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Never Look Back

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“What is he looking at?” I look down and tap my pencil nervously on the desk. I look at the clock, my nails, and anything other than him. I can feel his eyes on me still. Why is he staring at me? Does he want to talk? But that wouldn’t make sense. We are nothing to each other now. I start to play with my dead ends, picking at them one by one. I try to act as if I’m completely entertained with my fried hair. I don’t want him to know I know he’s looking at me. Ugh what does he want from me? Why would he think I want to talk to him, or even look in his direction! He disgusts me now. Ever since that one day things have been so different…
I close my eyes and rest my head on my arms, thinking back to that day, I can see it perfectly. The bell had rung and the day was finally over. Although for me I had volleyball practice. I was walking down the hall to where my locker was. Thankfully my boyfriend’s locker was in the same hallway too. That always saved me some time. Brandon and I had been dating for six and a half months. Things were rough at times but over all we were head over heels for each other… So I thought. I could see his tall stature in the distance; his back was faced to me as he was talking to one of his best guy friends named Ty. As I got closer I walked slower and more hesitant. When Ty saw me first I motioned for him to be quiet so I could scare Brandon. He did as he was told and continued his conversation. Right after that I dropped my book bag and ran right toward Brandon, Jumping as well; I landed on his back and wrapped my legs around him tightly. I giggled as Brandon cursed a bit and then grabbed me while I spun around to face him. “Hey beautiful, you almost broke my back!” I shrugged and gave him a flirty smile. “I’m so sorry, forgive me?” I pouted and batted my eyelashes. “Of course I can” he leaned down and kissed me so softly, every time we kissed the world stopped. The passion between us was undeniable. Then Ty interrupted us with obnoxious coughing “get a room” I gave him a stink eye and grabbed my book bag. I always ignored his friends. They were just jealous that they didn’t have a girl. I then grabbed Brandon’s hand. “Common babe help me with my stuff please? “I motioned him to my locker across the hallway. “I can’t Jen, I have to get to Mr. Shims class right now” “for what? “Help in bio, I’ve got a C” I frowned but knew it was more important for him to do well. “Okay fine, well text me after my game…wait are we still hanging out this weekend?” I smiled with hope in my eyes. “Yeah I think so, we were going to the beach right? I say we leave at like 11am.” Okay sounds good, I can’t wait!” “Yeah It should be fun, but hey score some points for me ok babe” “Okay I will.” I walked over to him and gave him another sweet kiss and hug before leaving to head down to the gymnasium.
After getting my volleyball stuff from my locker I walked quickly down to the gym to change for my game. As I walked into the gym, the other team was already there, I knew this game would be a piece of cake, I wasn’t even worried. I changed and tied up my hair into a high pony tail. I knew it was about to be game time. After leaving the locker room, I placed my stuff on the bleachers and found my best friend Rachel. “Hey girl, you ready to kill it today?” “Heck yeah I’m ready to show some chicas how to really play volleyball!” I laughed; this game won’t be so competitive, which is nice sometimes, we can actually goof around and smile. Thinking about smiling I thought about my smile, which made me think of my braces, which lead me to think “oh my god my mouth guard” I can’t play without it, it’s a big rule in volleyball. “Rachel did you see my mouth guard?” “Uhm no, why would I know where that thing is?” “Your right but can you help me think where it is. “Sure, did you check your bag? “I ran over to my bag and tussled through my school clothes. Nothing was there, where was that stupid thing. My coach was going to kill me if I didn’t have it and that’s when I started to freak out. Our coach blew the whistle to prepare us for warm ups. Crap I’m dead. The only thing I could think of was my locker it had to be in there! I ran up to my coach already nervous. “Coach I can’t find my mouth guard, but I’m almost positive it’s in my locker can I just run up there really quick to get it.” My coach looked upset but he let me go anyways “Hurry up, you have 10 minutes until game time, and you still need to warm up and serve” I nodded my head and took off.
Running down the hall, and up the steps I slowed down and started to walk, turning the corner I froze. My heart beat was pulsing faster than it already was and my hands were starting to shake. I just froze, almost stuck in neutral I could hear my heart beat in my ears in my eyes had instantly filled with tears. At the end of the hall by my locker was Brandon, bent down kissing her. The girl he promised me he had nothing with. The girl he said was just his friend. The girl who always got in the middle of our relationship, that almost made us break up 2 times. And I’m not that type of girl to break up over something silly. This girl was bad news and I was witnessing my worst fears right in front of me. I knew it. ! Why would he lie about this for so long, why he would build this up just to drag me along? Why would he make me fall in love with him, just too eventually throw me to the side. Was our whole relationship a lie!? This wasn’t even a simple peck on the cheek or lips either, this was a full on, hands everywhere make out. The way he kisses me I mean kissed me…. I held my breath and pulled away from the corner, I didn’t want them to see me. What am I supposed to do? I knew I had to pull it together. Taking a few deep breaths I told myself to pretend that never happened. To act as if I’m still going to the beach, and that I’m still going to kiss and hug Brandon, to act like he didn’t just cheat on me after almost 7 months. I waited for them to separate and waited just long enough for the other girl to leave. Right after I appeared around the corner and walked down the hall while looking down. Brandon called my name as I could hear fear and surprise in his voice. “Jen, babe? What are you doing up here? Isn’t your game starting?” I ignored him, and kept my eyes on my shoes. Once I got to my locker he came close to me. “Jen?” more silence. I could tell he was getting nervous. He tried kissing me on the cheek and I ignored that too. “Babe what’s your deal why are you acting like this?” I wanted to scream and at him, and cry and never stop, but I had to keep it together, I just had too. I would not show weakness in front of him. When he put his hands on my waste I shrugged him off. After I found my mouth guard at the bottom of my locker I grabbed it, slammed my locker shut and stormed away. He grabbed me and turned me to face him, we locked eyes and that was it. I was looking into the eyes of a cheater, a liar, someone with such a deceiving cold heart, someone who was full of crap, someone who hurt me like they would never understand. Someone who I thought I knew. Tears streamed down my face like rain on a window. Every tear crashing into the floor with pain and hatred. “Baby what’s wrong? Why are you so upset?” “Why am I upset? Are you kidding me!? Please don’t ever talk to me again, don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t even breath in my direction, I hate you!” Pushing him away from me I started yelling. “And I hope you have a great time with Samantha! You two fit well with each other, your both lying, dirty, worthless human beings. I hope she treats you better than I did….oh wait she can’t. ! Because she will never love you like I do…did. Brandon it’s over!” I left sobbing barely catching my breath and makeup all down my face. Brandon didn’t even say anything or try to stop me. He knew what I saw and he knew he had just broken my heart. Or maybe he didn’t, but that was the end and I was never turning back.
The bell rang and it was the end of class I jumped up and wiped my mouth, was I drooling in class? No wait I had been crying, they were tears. I wiped my cheeks and fixed my makeup with my tiny mirror. I’m mad at myself that I just replayed that over again in my head, it’s been about the millionth time, but I told myself I would stop thinking about it months ago. That was actually the first time I cried since I thought about what he did. Right before leaving the class, I glance over at Brandon who was getting his book bag from the floor. He looks so upset. I think he saw me crying while I was “sleeping” I wonder who else saw. We made eye contact for a few seconds and I could feel this intense pain in my chest. Like a weight was just dropped on my heart, and then there was this pull on my stomach, followed by a nauseous turn. I shook my head and walked out of class. When I said I was never turning back I meant it.



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