“I love you.”
“With all my heart.”
“To have and to hold from this day forward.”
“For better or for worse.”
“For richer.”
“For poorer.”
“In sickness and in health.”
“To love and to cherish.”
“From this day forward,”
“Until death do us part...........”
“I do.”
“I do.”

Those are the words that you hear when people decide to leave their state of one and become a person of two. “I do” is only two words that change people’s lives forever, for the best. They are happy. They are the newly wed couple that every one either congratulates, or envies. But, in that vow, they say, “Till death do we part.”, and yet, that one little mistake can become the destruction of that vow.

My name is Niqui. I am 27 years old. My husband and I are middle school sweethearts. We have two beautiful children and I am pregnant with my third child. Yet with all blessings, we are suffering one of the worst things any married couple could go through. No, my husband has not died, and neither am I dying. But I made a huge mistake. My husband doesn’t trust me anymore. He won’t even sleep in the same room as me. He hates me. I can’t say that I blame him. I love him more than anything. He is the father of my children, he is my other half. The arguments we have had have come and gone, even more recently, they keep coming and not very rarely going.

Today’s date, March 9, 2025. Our seventh anniversary. I guess I can’t really say that I am surprised by what is happening between us. My parents had a young marriage and divorced. I remember that feeling of sadness, hurt, pain, humiliation, and need. I was in need of my parents fixing it. I was in need of them getting back together, patching things up, staying in the same house. I needed someone who was my age who I could talk to, who understood what I was going through. But then again, I was only 9. Anyway, today is our seventh anniversary, and I was trying to plan something spectacular for us tonight, but he won’t answer his phone. Yesterday he came by to pick up the kids and only talked to me because he had to. My heart sank. He looks a me with disgust, hate, and hurt.

For me to live with this type of feeling is like living with a knife stabbed into your heart and never being able to get it out. Based on our fights before, I have been stabbed over and over again. He is one of the most caring and loving people that I know. But one of the things that xscares me the most is his anger. He is one who can be happy and one little word you say can bring you right down to hell. He never did touch me, never put his hands on me, all he did was say things. What he said was always from the past. It never was, “You’re ugly”, “You’re worthless”, no, it was always something that I had did or said in the past that he will never forgive me for. He has said it, and I know that he means it. What he brings up and what he talks about makes me just want to go back in the past and change what I said or did. But I can’t and he consistently brings the past back into the present. Scars were left when I made those mistakes, and when he brings them back up, he stabs me one more time leaving a scar of the things I have done. Those scars will never go away no matter how hard I want them to. I have done my share in making matters worse and now, there is no way I am going to be able to turn this around. What is done has been done. Saying I’m sorry won’t help it at all. Trying to make up for the loss time, the mistakes I made, the bad things I have done......

But, yes, he is the most caring person I could ever know despite his anger. When we first met, he was, and still is the one most women wanted. He could always read me like a book. He knew every detail that went into me. One day when we were in sixth grade, I was sad. Hurt. One of my friends had cut me deep, and I just couldn’t take it. She used me, and embarrassed me. That day, he came up to me and asked what was wrong. I didn’t know it yet, but he knew everything that had happened. He came up to me, kissed my forehead, sat down next to me right in front of my locker, held me tight and said,

“Niqui, forget what she said. You know the truth, and so do I. I am here for you and I’m all you need. I will forever be yours and you mine.”

He gave me one last kiss before he got me up and we went to lunch. This is the loving and caring part of my husband. But I have put that on the back burner for now.

When people say their vows, they say, “Till death do we part,” and we are expected to fulfil that vow. Because of me, I am the reason that this vow will not be carried until death. People say it’s a sin. Yes it is. I guess you can call me a murderer. I have murdered this honest, loving, caring person’s heart. It’s forever shattered and I know that I will not be the one who is able to repair that heart. Once something is dead, the same thing will not come back. You may get a replica, but it’s not the original. Something new, something that was not there before. Because of me, we will have to see what that new heart holds. Will it be forever a dark black pit full of hatred, or will it be a heart of forgiveness and love that may not have the door open for me?

Yes, the scars will forever stay with me, but all I can do is remember the good times that we used to have when he was actually in love with me. When I didn’t have to worry about anything. Those times have now past into distant memories, memories that I will never be able to get back. I don’t just have scars on the outside but, also on the inside. I will never be able to forgive myself, and I don’t hate him for not forgiving me. For holding all the regrets inside.

I know you are asking what did I do. What is it that I am regretting so much that I know I can never take back? I don’t really know how to put this, so I am just going to come out and say it. The sin that I made, the pain that I caused, the hurt that I have, all of it started from that one little kiss the other man gave me. The one little promise of never revealing this to anyone. Guilt and pain took over my life and it is making me hurt so much inside. But the truth will be revealed to everyone that we know in about 4 months. Everyone that walks by us will see that the baby I am carrying is not my husbands. The little soul inside me doesn’t belong to my life partner...... It belongs to that other man.