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Stuck

This is a story about two people. One of them I am in love with. The other is in love with me.

I’ve tried so hard to turn them into one person. I can’t change another person, but I can change myself. So why can I not force myself to fall in love with the sure thing, the one that is sure to love me back? Why can I not forget about the other, the unattainable one, who I have foolishly loved for all of this time?

I have done myself no favors by hanging onto any last hope I can get. I know my feelings will never be reciprocated, and I know it would be better for me if I just let him go. He had finally made it clear it wasn’t going to happen. I wished I could have just taken that answer and walked away. I wish I could have found myself in the arms of my sure bet, so I wouldn’t have to be so lonely anymore. I didn’t have to be by myself, and I didn’t want to be.

It hurts to think I could be with him right now. He could be holding me in his arms, happily showing me the physical affection I had been craving but had never received from the other one. We could be touching lips right now, eyes closed and no thought of moving away in the near future. I know I would have been happy with that. But I didn’t know it soon enough.

I regret telling him no. I regret doing to him what the other had done to me so many times. I am such a hypocrite for being upset with him for doing exactly what I would have done. I can’t hate him for it. I can’t hate either of them for it. I am just like them, in both of their situations at once. Granted, neither of them know of the pain from the other, but it’s still all there and alive in me.

I promised myself I would never hurt anyone like either of them hurt me. But now I see I already broke that promise. Whatever one did to me, I inevitably did to the other. I couldn’t help it; I saw nothing else that I could have done. All I could think to do was hope that, somehow, someway, they could understand what I was feeling and why I was doing this.

The one I loved was both easier and harder to handle. The only pain I made him feel was guilt. I hated making him feel this way, however, and I worked so hard to change that. Still, with all I tried to do I could not get through to him. I angrily wondered why he was being so difficult before I really understood what he was going through.

When the other came along, I immediately saw myself in him. This fascinated me. I could finally understand how it truly felt to be on the other end of the deal, doling out the no instead of receiving it. I had believed it wasn’t so bad. I had just thought the one I loved was being stubborn, not that he truly felt the guilt he was describing to me. But now I understand. Now I understand just what I put him through, and how awful he had felt when I did not believe that this could possibly be hard on him.

I know that guilt now. I understand that wanting to love him back, and the guilt when I realize I can’t force myself to love him when I have already pledged myself to another. I know the need to lie and say I’ll get over it just so I don’t hurt the one I love any more than I already have. I know and I understand everything now.

I’m stuck now. I’m stuck with the pain and sorrow of being in love with someone who will never want me, and being loved by someone whom I can never really want. And because I understand each of their pain, having felt it myself, I cannot make myself feel anger to either of them. So now I am stuck with all of this pain and hate and anger, with not one person to direct it towards but myself.



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