My Love for You

March 22, 2012
The year was 2009. I was in love and I knew it. I know that you may think I don’t know what the true meaning of love is yet, but let me tell you, I was in LOVE.

He was and will always be my first love. He made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. He would always call me his queen, his everything, and I loved it. We grew up together. Our dads were close, so we were together a lot. But then every thing changed when my parents got divorced. I would see him from time to time at church or at parties an such, but we never really got to see each other.

About a year or two later, I saw him again at church. I honestly believe that that day, I thought I was in heaven. His beautiful brown eyes,his curly hair, HIM. I put my stuff down and wasn't really sure if I should go up and see him or just keep my distance. So I started talking to one of my friends, and shot him a smile. Right away he came up to me. He gave me a big hug and asked how everything had been going. I was speechless. Honestly, I just couldn't think straight. After having that moment, we talked for a good 20 minutes before the service began. The entire time, I didn't hear a thing. I was in my own little world just thinking about him. My mom could see that I wasn't really in the zone with everything. But she didn't bother me.
After an eternity it seemed, church was over. We were going to leave right after, but my mom started talking to my aunt. So with the time, I talked to him. It was only a few minutes, but it felt like forever. My mom came and got me and we ended up leaving. I was so mad. My mom just HAD to ruin that moment. I went to my dads the next weekend, so two weeks went by without seeing him. It was as if eternity kicked in.

The next Sunday, he was there. At first, I didn't see him. But I guess he saw me. He came up to me and gave me a hug. His friend came over and we all started talking. At the end of the service, I hugged him before I left. When I gave him that hug, he slipped me a piece of paper. I was careful not to open it until I was home and in my room so my mom wouldn't be suspicious. I open it carefully, gently, cautiously. In it was a number. I remember that I wanted to do a back flip! I was so excited.(Corney right?!) I just couldn't believe that I had his phone number. So, I decided to wait and call him. I waited until two days later. I think that I just didn't want to seem desperate.

Anyway, I called him that Tuesday night. When I heard his voice, I could guarantee my heart had skipped at least 10 beats. Our first conversation was one of the best. He made me feel great. He made me feel like I belonged an that I was had a place in his heart, in this earth. Everything was perfect for me. There was no sad place for me to go to or to be in on a daily basis. He was my medicine and I liked it. It was as if I was in another world when I thought about and/or talked to him. That world where I could say, do, or be anything that I wanted and was never judged about a thing. We ended up together for about a year. It was the most perfect year of my life. That year couldn’t have been ruined by anything. It was.........perfect.

That year went by so fast. It wasn’t even right. But, the end of that year, I will admit, I made the worst mistake I could have ever made. I called him one day. I needed to talk, I felt sad, I missed him, and I had to talk to the one person that i knew would cheer me up. He actually didn’t cheer me up. Instead, he made me even more mad.

Towards the end of our conversation, I had said some things that I totally regret. I had heard from one of my friends that he was holding hands with another girl at school an I asked him about that. He told me that it was nothing, that it wasn’t anything at all. But I didn’t believe him. I knew that he loved me and he had expressed that many times, but I still didn’t believe him. So I told him to $&#! off and never talk to me again. That was the first day I had ever heard him cry. I cried. I was sad, hurt, distraught, and I felt neglected. He told me that the wouldn’t even talk to any girl anymore, he said that he would do anything in the world to keep me with him. I didn’t care. I was done. I told him that I loved him, and he knew that. He had told me that he loved me, and I knew that, but I didn’t want to have to experience that type of pain anymore.

I stopped texting and calling him. He would send me a message every day, and call me every once and a while. But I just ignored it. Then, one time, I did answer the phone. But it wasn’t him who had called. It was his older sister. She called and told me how depressed he had gotten. How sad he was. How I had torn his heart into pieces. I felt bad, but I still felt betrayed. I told her that I loved him, and I always will. But I couldn’t be with him anymore.

I didn’t see him at church for another two years. Every time I would think about him,I would start to tear up. Memories, flashbacks, too much to handle. It made me feel terrible inside and out. I was so messed up with my emotions, I wanted to just die. I had hurt him, bad. You can say I did shatter his heart.

I must say, I do still have a place for him in my heart. I know I don’t in his. If there is anything I could say to him, I would write this out for him,

Seem like it was Yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I
walked away
Only if I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
Theirs nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you
But I know you wont be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything
i just couldn't do and I've hurt myself by
hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I
won't admit
Sometimes I just wont to hide ' Cause
Its you I miss
You know its hard to say
goodbye when it comes to this

Would tell me I was wrong
would you help me understand
Are you looking down upon me
Are proud of who i am
Theirs nothing I wouldn't do to have just
one more chance
to look in to your eyes
and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything
I just couldn't do and I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day, I would
tell you how much that
I've missed you since youve been

Oh its dangerous
its so out of line
to try to turn back

I'm sorry for blaming you for
everything I just couldn't do
and I've hurt myself

By hurting you

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