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Silence. It always ends in silence. Words sit in my mouth, waiting to be said. But should I even speak them? Should I release them and let them float their way into your ears?
That word is so annoying. Maybe. It isn’t a yes, it isn’t a no. It’s just a maybe. It’s a question unanswered. I can’t stand questions without answers. Questions without answers make me want to rip my hair out. They leave you wondering, waiting, hoping. But sometimes answers don’t come..
That’s really all I want from you. An answer. It hurts terribly, waiting here. Maybe. That’s what I have from you right now. You’re undecided. Do you want me, or don’t you? Probably not. I should have known better. The way it ended the last few times...I thought it would be enough. I thought I learned my lesson. Apparently not, because I came running back to you. That’s right, running. I was practically tripping over myself with excitement. I thought I had it right this time. Around you I felt safe, wanted, happy...
That was a while ago.
It’s been almost 5 months since I’ve liked you. Five months. Everyone tells me to get over you. Everyone tells me I can do better. I know I can. I know I can get most boys to do what I want in a snap, just by looking at them a certain way. But that’d be wrong. That wouldn’t be real. And that wouldn’t be you.
It all comes back to the maybe. I keep remembering the maybe. The way you smiled at me, the way you looked away whenever I mentioned my boyfriend, the way you kept telling me I was too good for him...
I can still remember those days, you know. I remember how many times I dropped your phone when you asked me to hold it. I remember how you would eagerly show me the videos of you trying to do a front flip. I remember the conversations you had with Ali, pointing out every flaw you could find in the guy I had been dating. I remember how you would walk as far to class with me as you could without making it seem like you were going out of your way. I knew you were. I’m not blind. After just two weeks I was no longer in love with my boyfriend. I was in love with you.
But after we broke up, things changed. You changed. Gone were the sweet looks and the flirty comments. Raised voices, dirty looks, and shouted insults replaced them. I was in shock. I still am. I thought you were different. You had become someone I would rely on, could confide in. I thanked God for you, happy my prayer was answered, happy you could help take away some of the pain from before...
The pain. It’s back now. It’s piercing, it’s loud. And now another pain is there with it. One from you. All the memories, the happy moments, the laughs...all put in a big box and locked. Every once and I while a memory escapes. Your voice echoes in my brain. I can see the ghosts of who you were before, hovering, speaking.
“You’re too good for him.”
“Here.” You stood up, turned around and offered a hand. You had that half smile on your face, the one that makes me think you were in pain. You’re so tiny, but you pulled me up with little effort. You always sat next to me, always...
Oh, great. I think I’m gonna cry.
I will be thinking of this Monday at lunch, with my eyes closed. I will reach to my left, feeling the empty air of where you used to sit before. I will think back to laughing at the video you let me watch on your phone, sharing earbuds and laughing hysterically. I will think back to when you told me I should be your girlfriend, but were too shy to actually ask me out. I will look across the room at where you sit now, and wish I was next to you...
I will refuse to cry.
All of that has been exchanged for the occasional text message on weekends, for the awkward silence when we’re forced to work together, for the skeptical way you look at me in class...
But there is still a trace of who you were before. I’m holding onto it for dear life. I’m scared you’ll disappear. The trace of who you were...
That’s my maybe. That’s why I’m still not over you. Maybe, maybe you’ll come back someday...