lost forever

By , chennai, India
A professor is killed in a robbery. A special kind of robbery. Not for money. For some ones soul. A soul which belongs to Diana. A woman who believes that beauty is pain. A kind of pinch that can make you or break you.
My dreams have been getting vague. Everyday that passes and I am forced to live without him.. My special someone. He was my life. It was young love. I am breaking inside, feeling hollow. It's killing me. I am dying a slow, painful, bleeding death. I am just not able to get over it. How could he do this to me? Leave like that. Leave me in the dark to face the big bad world outside who doesn't care about me, who never accepted us.. He listened to the world not his heart. One must always listen to ones heart. It's the best possible way to live life. Success may not be guaranteed but sense of contentment is. Peace on earth. Harmony. Love. Everything we live for and are wiling to die for.
Someone just made it very hard inside. Can't figure out if it's good for me or bad. I thought we were like sea otters.. They always hold hands while sleeping because they don't wanna drift away. Turns out I was wrong. We weren't like otters. We were in love, passionate, great about it until something happened. The trust was broken.. It's called betrayal. Feels like I am the only person on earth. Surrounded by people but still lonely. Loved but too scared to return the feeling. Trashing everybody inside me and slowly dying myself. Read somewhere it's not love that changes it's men. Can't even call him a dog because dogs are faithful creatures. Is he doing this on purpose? Is it a test? A test of anger, jealousy.. His insecure emotions. I feel so bad about this. Maybe it's for the good. Everything that happens is for the good because gods hand is guiding it. I still have faith in that supreme force called God. That's one thing that can never be snatched.

Don't want to move on, don't want to trust him again. I am stuck in the middle. In the middle of nowhere, with mist surrounding me. Making it difficult to see clearly. Making everything look dangerous and bad. "oh god! Get over it. He never deserved you." Screams my brain but is my heart ready to listen? A typical example of head vs heart. I suddenly realize that I have to go to school. I drag my feet to the bus stop. My eyes look all red and squinty but I can't help it. In school I am distracted, don't want to talk or listen.. Just think. My friends try pulling me out of this. They fail miserably. Seconds, minutes,hours, days, weeks , months pass by. Everyone has learnt to accept me as the quiet one. I am walking to my locker with my hair hiding my face when I see him.. I am clearly hallucinating. I need to stop thinking about him. It's going too far. I start screaming and run away. I see him again and again but one day it's different. He's talking to me. I realize that its really him. I find my eyes watering, find it hard to concentrate on what he's saying. This time I have already learnt my lesson. I am not going to let him do that to me again. No way. He's not getting me this time. I have stayed alone long enough. Shut myself up. I don't want anyone to get close to me like he did and then leave destroying everything. He calls, texts, sends emails but he is not getting a reply. Then I see him back to his true colors. Smooching someone in the corridor. Glad I got over it. I make a mental note to myself about not trusting anyone. Then I see him turn.. Only to find that it's his brother and not him. He's standing right behind me telling me how much I matter, how much he still loves me, how much he's tried getting over me but hasn't succeeded, he apologizes. It's weird how people think that one apology can change everything. Did he count the number of letters, mails I sent him? Then why is it bothering him so much now? He reminds me of all the valentines, the time he used to sneak out of class to see me, the times we spent together doing our homework, the days I used to be really fussy. The evenings we used to sit together and gossip, the nights we spent dreaming about each other. He had filled every tiny fraction of a second in my life. It had been too hard without him. I cant trust him enough. He's lost me forever..

I open my book. A note falls out.. I don't want to look at it. The handwriting is unmistakably his. The note is thrown in the trash and life goes on. Until one fine day I find out that he has cancer. A very critical stage of it. I shouldn't care now but I find myself getting close to him because of this reason. I think he's going to die. I don't want him to go. I want him to be mine for ever and ever. I quit everything in life to take care of him. He gets better. Slowly but it's happening. I am glad I realized that he mattered before I completely lost him. The lesson is not staying away. It's learning to love. Learning to accept and forgive mistakes before it's too late. Learning to tell the person how much they matter before you lose them.. Because only people you love have the right to hate you.





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