I pictured it in my mind a million times everyday, just waiting for you to appear. I never imagined this though, that a little yellow envelope could determine your fate for you. That it could hold more emotion then I had ever seen you show. That it could split my heart in half and make me drop to my knees in pain. I imagined you coming home with a scar, one that had a story, one that I could kiss with my tears. Or maybe nightmares that meant I could hold you as you cried. Your uniform folded in all the right places, holding memories, many you wished you could forget. The letters I sent you tucked away neatly in the bottom of your pack, each one carefully preserved as if they meant more then anything else. You medals silently gleaming with pride clearly worn in your guarded expression. Now the uniform is cold and buried with you. The medals carefully pinned, now mean nothing. Pictures now kept still and unmovable in your bottom desk draw. I always thought I had imagined everything, but this never crossed my mind. I imagined us meeting as if we hadn't seen each other in years not just months. I imagined the kiss, perfectly planned each of us eager to soak up each other. Like a flower just blooming under the careful care of the sun. I never imagined how I managed to make my way back out of the airport. I never imagined how my lips would stay untouched. I imagined the smile you would cause. The laughter that you spill and the caresses my skin longed for. I never imagined my lips being pressed together in fear and grief. I never imagined how everything would seem humorless without you there, and I never imagined how I would shudder at everyone's touch when all I really wanted was yours. That little yellow envelope, the one that showed no sympathy, the one that was completely business, the one that made me who I am now. I realize now as I rub my fingers over the letters I wrote, the paper now worn and rough under my fingers, that I'll never be the same without you. Maybe if I'm lucky when I'm gone, they will spare you the yellow envelope. Because all I ever wanted was your love.
Why you never came back
January 18, 2012