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The Monster

I can think of a lot of ways to damage you. Multiple ideas of revenge are running through my head every second, waiting to be picked and acted upon. It takes every fiber of my being to keep those feelings suppressed, so that I don’t do anything I might regret later, when this mood of anger has passed.

Yes, I know it will pass. It always does. It all follows a formula. First, you do something that you really shouldn’t. You’re always too oblivious to notice, and always deny it if it’s pointed out that you might have done something wrong. Then, I get mad, or hurt, or, more likely, a bad combination of the two. After that awful thoughts fly through my head, filling my mind with fantasies about me finally becoming brave enough to tell you exactly what I think of your oversized ego.

That period might last for minutes, hours, or even days. I can’t control my own thoughts, only my physical expression. I give all I have to hide it, make everyone think nothing’s wrong when all the while I’m plotting ways to finally give you a taste of your own medicine.

Then, as soon as it comes on it stops. You are the start to my feeling this way, but you are also the only key in stopping it. I talk to you, you make me laugh and smile, and I forgive you. I forget why I was even so mad in the first place. I tell myself that you’re never going to do that again, and if you do you don’t mean it, so I shouldn’t take so much personal offence.

I really don’t believe I would get so upset, had you not be so hypocritical. I go through so much to look past your imperfections, but you strive to find and emphasize mine. You see something I say, or something I do, and you take it in the worst way possible. You say you can’t trust me anymore, which you know hurts me more than anything else. You say my apologies aren’t enough, that if I really cared I wouldn’t have done it in the first place. But I can’t rewrite the past, no matter how much I want to.

Only when I think I’m going to die from the sadness and regret do you suddenly decide to act like nothing’s happened, and go on like we always do. I’m more than happy to do this by now, as I’m so drained from the depression you’ve caused me that I can’t do any more than just give in to you again.
Even with all you do to hurt me, I can’t stand to think about losing you either. I depend on you to make me feel happy. You like to make me laugh, and that’s one thing I’m more than happy to give you. I feel good when I see you smiling, and I wish you’d do it more often. Your smile makes me forget about the monster that comes out when you’re hurt or mad. When you’re smiling, I feel like I can take that monster and shove him away, into a place where he will never be able to take you and your smile away from me ever again.
I keep telling myself I’m going to try harder. I say to myself I’m going to be perfect from now on, never saying the wrong thing ever again, so that you will never be upset with me ever again. If you never get upset with me, I reason, then I will never have to deal with the monster that lives inside you, and I can just have you and your smiling face all the time.
But of course, that doesn’t happen. As soon as I think I’m safe, I say something or do something and I’m suddenly walking on eggshells again. I know one wrong move will make the path underneath me give way, and I will fall right through. And because you will be the reason I fell, there is no chance you would try to save me. I won’t even have a shot.
The only thing I can think of is to go on shutdown. There is no way I can make a wrong move if I don’t move at all. I just sit, and I wait for you to calm down and for the path beneath my feet to turn back to safe, solid ground. Only then will I trust myself to move again, with small, cautious steps at first, until I am sure the monster is dormant again. After I am sure I won’t be seeing that side of you for a while again, I will fully relax, and let my guard down again.
I know how stupid I am for letting my guard down. I should never allow myself to become so vulnerable around you when I know what you’re capable of doing to me. But I just can’t help myself. Something about you, the you that isn’t possessed by the monster, is so safe and inviting. I feel like I want to trust you, and I would do anything for you to trust me.
When the monster isn’t around and terrorizing me I’m happy to share everything with you. I don’t care that I’m giving you much more information that you would ever give me. I know the real you, the one that the monster can never truly take away, would never dream of using it against me.
But the monster can. He can and he does. Quoting me, word for word, to catch me for something I supposedly lied about. Even when I point out that my statement can mean something totally different when it’s out of context, it doesn’t matter. All the monster cares about is finding a reason to get mad, so he can start the draining process all over on me until I’m nothing but a physical being, not really mentally there. And then, just when I’m about to sink into nothingness, you will come and bring me back. The monster will fall away again, and we continue. Just like the formula states.
You’re never going to let go of your hold on me willingly. And I’m never going to be strong enough to escape you on my own. When I want to escape I’m not mentally or physically able, as I’m too suppressed by you and your hurtful words and actions. The only times I’m strong enough to leave are the times when I wouldn’t dream of wanting to. And that’s exactly the way you want it. So no matter at what stage in your vicious cycle you might be in, I’m always going to be stuck right by you, and the monster’s side.





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