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We'd Always Have Paris

Her name was Lua. I'm not sure what she looked like, or where she came from, but I could recognize her voice from anywhere. It was stern, as if she always knew what she was talking about, but simultaneously winded. It calmed me down, and excited me, depending on what I wanted. Lua said everything and anything I wanted her to say, whenever I wanted her to say it. Because Lua was imaginary. I guess I should go back farther than Lua, to the start of all this.

My therapist tells me I go through life with my eyes closed, and my heart plied open. When I write this down it looks poetic and sweet, but when she says it it sounds like an insult. I don't like to use the terms "lonely" or "depressed" but I'm not quite sure how else to describe my existence. I suppose it started out pretty bright. With hopes and dreams just like any other man. But soon things collapsed like they do in most stories. I started to spend my days in my room listening to the Grateful Dead or watching T.V instead of with friends, or going to work. Simply because, well, being alone was so much better. Being alone felt right to me in a way that socializing just, never did. Now I assume Lua was conceived out of some subconscious loneliness… but I don't want to get too hasty here.

So back to the story. Basically day in, and day out, I spent alone. Because I liked it that way. But one night my streak of solitude was destroyed by an intensely intimate dream about a girl, Lua. In this dream the girl visited me in my room. We spoke with our eyes, and touched in a way I've never been touched before. When I awoke from this fantasy my heart was beating so fast I thought it might poor out of my throat, and I was breaking out in a nasty sweat. I took a cold shower, and continued my day just like any other. Except that, it wasn't like any other. I had the lingering feeling of human connection stuck to me, I was in the daze of a man who had just fallen in love, and had the dirty mind of someone who had just experienced the most intimate sex humanly imaginable. What can I say? I was head over heals for the girl of my dreams… literally.

The next night I lit candles and fell asleep to the melodic music of my radio, in anticipation for another visit. Now this dream was even more intense than the first. It started in a snowy cave by a fire. I was alone, until suddenly, the fire went out with a big gust of wind. Everything was dark and all I could hear was the trickling water of the melting ice. Then a shiver rose to the small of my back, to the nape of my neck, and finally to the small thin hairs on my ear lobe. "You're not alone" said a voice. Now, this might sound creepy but hearing that voice, I knew it was her. And all of a sudden I woke up. Again finding myself in a pool of sweat accompanied by the heartbeat of someone who had just seen a ghost.

These types of dreams continued for days on end, and progressively, would continue throughout the day as well. Now I can't prove this, nor can I really explain how I was sure she was really with me. But I can say I felt her with an intensity that comforted and excited me to a level I've never been able to achieve post or pre Lua. So here I was, pathetically in love with someone I could never be with. I was a man obsessed with something he could physically never have... or so I thought.

Now, I hadn't told anyone about Lua yet. Not because I was the type of man who was ashamed of his feelings or embarrassed of his fantasies. But more because I feared if I revealed her to anyone she might not come back to me. And never being able to be with Lua again, oh man. Well that would be a fate worse than death. I started to become obsessed with Lua. I would try and sleep all day just to get a glimpse of her. On top of that, human contact became unnecessary now that I had her. People would call my house, only to get the machine. I stopped going to work, I became completely isolated. Only waking up for the human essentials. She had turned me into a sleeping machine. I had almost gotten used to this routine lifestyle, until something amazing happened.

December 5th. I woke up from a dream I can honestly say I don't remember. But I'm almost certain it had to do with Lua. I awoke to a clamor in my kitchen. My eyes were still crusted over and my body was sore from too much rest, if you can believe it. Nevertheless, I dragged myself out of bed and made my way into the kitchen. Okay, stick with me on this part because it sounds insane but I swear to this day I can still remember every detail that happened. So I stumbled my way into the kitchen looking down at my blue tiled floor, wondering why the tiles were so cold every morning when I woke up. When suddenly, I felt her. I can't explain the feeling except to say that when I looked behind me, she was standing there, just smiling at me. She was more beautiful than I had ever imagined she could be. I don't want to explain her beauty in detail for fear of judgment on your part, but let's just leave it as every mans' dream for the perfect woman. Standing before me, just smiling. I was speechless. "Don't question it. Just enjoy me.", she whispered in my ear. I wasn't sure if it was too much sleep, or lack of food, but whatever ailment had caused this miracle was a gift from above. So I did just what she said. I didn't ask if she was real, I didn't ask when she was going to leave, or where she came from, I just enjoyed her. We talked for hours about nothing and everything. I told her about how much I loved fried eggs with potatoes and ketchup. This made her laugh because ketchup and eggs don't go together. I told her about how I always tell myself to wear socks in my house because the floor is cold, but all of my socks have holes. This made her think up a solution for my cold feet dilemma. I told her about sometimes I try to cry, but the tears just don't come out. And how I miss how easy it was to feel when I was a little boy. This made her smile, because she said nothing was a feeling too. All of her reactions, so real, human, and pure. I got lost with her.

Suddenly it was dark outside and we had spent the entire day enjoying each other in a way I'd never been able to do with someone before. I remember we were talking about my delicious recipe for chocolate cake, when she looked out the window and frowned. Her eyes met mine, and she said it was almost time. I wasn't sure where she was going, or if she'd ever be back. But I knew asking would spoil it. I told her I wanted to do one more thing with her before she left. I got two barrettes from my closet, opened a photograph book to a picture of the Eiffel Tower and dimmed the lights. I put on Casablanca and we sat and watched the whole movie. My favorite movie. Emasculating as it is to love a classic love story, something just felt right when I was watching it. When it was over, I stood up and turned on the lights. "I guess it's time" I sighed. She nodded, and then something amazing happened. She looked at me, and I mean really looked at me, the way only another human could. Then she smiled and said, "We'll always have Paris." And that was it. She was gone after that. Never again did I hear her voice, or dream of her. But contradictory enough to everything else I've said, it was okay. Because after all,

We'd always have Paris.



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This article has 6 comments. Post your own!

Ajax said...
Feb. 6, 2012 at 11:34 am:
I wish I had your imagination and ability to express it.
 
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gopal said...
Feb. 5, 2012 at 7:27 pm:
I thought that I was short changed I wanted more
 
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droldham said...
Feb. 5, 2012 at 4:28 pm:
Nice flow - great evocative language - lyrical cadence and magical realism believability - Bravo! Encore!
 
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Calvin C said...
Feb. 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm:
Great piece of writing !
 
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rosello said...
Feb. 4, 2012 at 8:34 am:
I loved this romantic story with such a poetic expression of lonelyness. A classic story and well written too.
 
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kuny said...
Feb. 1, 2012 at 12:22 pm:
A most wonderful piece of writing !!!! excellent and magical !!!!
 
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