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I’m haunted… haunted by the memory of you and what we were. Every time I think I’ve escaped, the ghost looms around me again, chilling my heart and deepening the cracks you created.
I sit in this crowded dining hall, surrounded by my friends, as we eat and laugh. As I turn my head though, there you are. Not that shimmering ghost, but the real you. You turn your head and our eyes meet- chocolate meets emerald- and I hate to break this connection. Even with those butterflies gone, off haunting with the ghost of the old you, I still feel my stomach in knots and I can’t help but hear the soft whisper of my heart, wishing we could just go back to what we used to be. There is sadness, and a look of being lost hidden in your eyes, and I know you’re starting to let me in again, even though you hate that and it scares you. In that moment, I’d give anything to be able to wrap me arms around you and tell you I’m here and I’m here for you.
The connection is lost though as he slips into the booth next to me, slipping his arm over my shoulder with a wide grin spread on his face. Yeah, I’ve moved on too. He’s nothing like you though- your exact opposite really. I meant for that to happen though, didn’t want a constant reminder of you around. My friends think he’s better for me though. Not that they didn’t like you, they just know this one won’t be able to hurt me as deep as you did. They just didn’t see you the way I did. He kisses me though, breaking through my trance, and I can’t help but look to you once we pull apart, curious to see if you saw.
You did, of course you did. Eyes hardened, a smile gets plastered on your face and a loud, unreal laugh erupts from you as you turn your back to me and begin to focus on your friends.
I try to do the same, try to make those same butterflies you gave to me flutter in as he smiles at me with a smile just like one you used to give me. I hate this though…hate that you did this to me…to us. I know you still feel that same connection that I do. We just keep coming back to each other; you have to notice that too. When I’m down, you’re the one I turn to to make it seem better, you’re the one always making me laugh, my dependable friend. You’re different though. That innocence, and softness has disappeared- I know it’s still there though. This cocky, blunt person you’ve become isn’t really you- and that innocence and softness, that guy that on the first day said he was nervous talking to me, that is the ghost that haunts me, and that is the person I miss. I hope you know that, and I hope you can find that guy in you again.
I look to you again and I think he notices, but he doesn’t say a word. He cares too much about me and I feel guilt flood into me. For a second though, I did catch your eye. The sadness is back and I know you see the same sadness pooling in mine.
My friends leave, leaving me and him alone. We talk and laugh, smile and kiss, but none of it feels real. I see you leave, no fleeting glance, and slowly, the rest of the people began trickling out of the hall until only a handful of people were left. That’s when I ended it. Not for you, don’t want to blow your ego up further with thinking that, but it is over with him now. With this ghost looming around me, it’s not fair for me to string anyone else along.
He leaves and I’m alone with my thoughts. If only I could have you see my heart- have you see all that it wishes for so you could see I’m not like the rest. I’m not looking to hurt you, I just think there’s such a potential for us to be something real. Think of the fireworks we could make.
With a sigh though, I let these thoughts drop, and I trudged back to my dorm. The night lagged on with a load of work and reading, but soon the tiredness grew too heavy and after slipping into my pajamas, I went into bed, waiting for sleep to take over. That’s when I heard the soft knock, tap-tap-tapping on the door.
Groggily, I opened the door and there you were- in jeans and that dark blue hoodie I’ve always loved on you. A war was brewing in your eyes- your perfect chocolate eyes that were gleaming, looking at me with such nervousness and intensity that my knees fell weak. I then felt that ghost fly off, as suddenly, there was no longer a haunting of the butterflies. Instead, they were fluttering in an amazing frenzy in my stomach, and I knew there in that moment, you were back, the real you.
Gently, you placed your hand on my cheek, locking our eyes in a deep stare, and you breathed out in a soft whisper, “I miss you.”