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Fighting The Inevitable

I walk into the front door with goosebumps dominating my body. Just standing here in this sterile place has me feeling on edge and ready to bolt at a moments notice.Everything about this place is white and clean, just a facade because at least a million people have died here in this very building.I see through the scoured floors and rooms which reveals another story entirely.I consciously ignore the room of grieving friends and families that have lost their loved ones because only in a matter of time will i be stuck to feel their remorse myself. My heart painfully condenses as i push the button that will bring me to the fourth floor where the cancer patients are being held. As i stop in front of his door, i find it hard to open it. Despite my prayers and gut wrenching sobs, i know that it is all futile. The doctors are trying the best that they can, but in the end, i know I'm going to loose him.Even though i brave myself, my eyes are not ready to take in the full force of what this disease has done to him. My eyes grave over his see through like skin, and hoe prominent his eyes are now that they have sunken into his face.Eyes that are circumscribed with purple bruises for a variety of reasons and that long ago bore such all engrossing and consuming happiness. I used to secretly believe that he knew all along that he had cancer and that's why he was such a inimitable and ardent person who had to try at least everything once. But i know now that his disease hit him just as hard as it hit me. I'm making my way towards him while simultaneously trying to keep both my pain and tears inside. I know he hates it when i break down. I know he wants me to be strong. But he was always the strong one in our relationship and i can't bear to live this lie any longer. He's not OK, he's dying! And i refuse to sit by and let that happen to me best friend. A friend that i have loved since i can remember and haven't yet gotten the courage to tell him. But sitting here nearly a foot away from him watching as his life is slowly dissipating, hardly seems like the best time to tell him, though at this rate it very well may be my last. I gently grab his cold, dead like hand and wrap it securely in mine, hoping that the warmth emanating off of me will make its way to him.
"Alec hey how are you doing?"
It takes awhile before he can actually comprehend what i said and when he does his face breaks into a bleak smile.
"Iris! I'm doing good." It's such a lie that i feel tears well up in my eyes. "I just came to say...i hope you get better and..." But no matter how hard i try the words just won't come out. He squeezes my hand with all the strength that he can muster up and i feel my heart shrivel in size in my heart because i can't even feel it. Even in his sick and debilitated state his beauty is something that never fails to render me speechless. He's going on and on about what he's going to do when they finally let him out of the hospital which has been his home now for some time and i i cant bring myself to tell him that he probably never would. But as he goes on and on about everything and nothing at the same time, i see the little boy that i grew up with and the young man that has always taken care of me and before i know what I'm saying the words " I love you" slip out of my mouth.
For a long while he is silent and i fear for the worst. But before my imagination can think of all the horrors that must be rushing through his mind he smiles and says, " I love you to Iris." He takes my other hand and pulls it tight within his chest. " I know you worry a lot. About me and my life, if it should ever end too soon, but i promise you, everything will be OK."
And before i can his words fool me, he starts coughing gut wrenching coughs until blood is spilling out of his mouth and his whole body is convulsing. The doctor is in the room now and the nurses is shoving me out. I stand outside looking in at a best friend who i love and who loves me, but cant help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness at how wrong his words were. Everything wasn't going to be OK because he was dying and there was nothing that i could do to prevent it.





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Ayme. said...
Feb. 5, 2012 at 1:52 am
it's wonderful!
 
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