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I’ve started to collect moments. Obviously they aren’t tangible, I can’t put them in a jar, or stuff them in my drawstring bag to lug around with me, and sometimes I can’t even see them. But they’re there. I put them there. In my head where I know I won’t ever lose them.
My biggest fear is that I’m going to run out of time. I make these plans like I have the power to define my life when I’m only 17. Who am I kidding? I can plan all I want, and cut out pictures of wedding dresses, and research vacations to Australia, and look for Job openings in Washington D.C, but I seldom remember that time is running out. In all reality I might not get to a single one of these things. Everyone says the Mayan Calendar is just going to start over, but what if the world really does end in 2012. Man I’d feel like an idiot. Now that I think about it I’d be really pissed off. I would have wanted to do something completely different with the 17 years I’d been alive so far. Never would I have stepped in the doors of my high school. I can honestly say that I loathe every square foot of that building. I would have traveled. I would spend every single weekend at my lake house out on the boat. I would have only done what makes me feel happy and alive. I feel like I spend a great deal of my time dissatisfied with what I’m doing. My job is monotonous, school is a waste of my time, I absolutely despise the team I’m on, all I ever want to do is sleep. I wake up, every day, at 5:45. The sun isn’t up yet, it’s still dark, and I am not happy. Not at all happy. I just want to sleep and feel warm, because it’s always very cold when I first wake up, at 5:45, in the morning.
I guess I just have such high expectations for what life is, and what I think it’s supposed to entail. I expect the world out of every minute. By now I’ve sort of realized that you can’t fit the world into the minute, I don’t even think that you could fit the world into a lifetime. But nevertheless, that’s what I want. I want to feel the presence of the people I love, all the time. I don’ think its right that you ever have to be away from those who make you happy. That’s probably what gets to me the most, my boyfriend is in college, so I only see him maybe once a month if I’m lucky. The everyday wear and tear of life is just so heavy to carry around all the time. I wish that I could just be one of those people without much of care, who just go with the flow, and live in the moment. I’m so consumed with what’s coming next, and things I can improve on, and when the weekend is coming, that I lose track of what is right in front of my face. I just over think everything, and count down the hours until I get to go back to sleep. That’s not how you should live though. It can’t possibly be healthy to wish your life away, I know I’m going to regret it, I already do. But the same old routine, for 365 days, for the last four years, is really starting to catch up with me.
Here’s my day for you.
5:45 – Wakeup, put face on, do hair.
I’ll keep sleeping. I’ll sleep as long as my heart desires. Cuddling up next to zach because he’s always so warm, and I’m always so damn cold. Oh I know I’ll have a fire place, in my room. How wonderful that is. The flames dance in front of my tired eyes, reds and oranges lull me back to sleep. Warmth spreads through my weary body; I look at Zach who is smiling in his sleep. that happens more often than you’d think. I’m jealous of that. My king sized bed envelopes our bodies and the down pillows cradle our heads. I pull the comforter up around my chin and drift back into my much needed, much adored, and craved, sleep.
6:24 – head upstairs for breakfast with dad
I wake up again; I turn to Zach who is still happily asleep. I look at the clock, 10:45. I roll over and close my eyes again, more sleep sounds like the perfect thing to do.
6:48 – Time for school. That sucks.
A kiss on my cheek wakes me this time. Zach has decided that it’s time to get out of bed. I stretch out my long legs and reach my arms high above my head. That was a wonderful sleep. “I love you” Zach will say. “I love you more,” I’ll reply. It’s early afternoon, about 12:30 and I’ll peel back the covers and place my feet onto the heated wood floors. I crack my neck, left, right, and then stand up ready to start my day. I’ll grab the grey hoodie lying over the back of the chair next to my desk. I get lost in there for a second before my head pops out and my arms slip through the sleeves. With my hood pulled over my head, and my thumbs through holes cut into the sleeves, I turn to Zachary who is smiling back at me. He’s always smiling.
7:20 – Bell rings, the day begins. I hate school. I hate school. I hate school.
Breakfast time! Boy we love to have food. Food is seriously the greatest thing. I will eat whatever I want today, and I won’t feel guilty about it like I usually do. We’ll have an elaborate refrigerator, filled with delicious ingredients for a breakfast of champions. Eggs, sausage, biscuits, orange juice, French toast, pancakes, I’ll create a buffet! Zach will love that. I’ll gather everything I need, preheat the oven, dig some skillets out from the cabinets, and begin to make breakfast. The eggs are cracked in the bowl, add a little milk, some cinnamon sugar, dunk the bread, swirl it around, then plop in into the pan. French toast is a specialty of mine; my dad taught me how to make it. I’ll make an egg dish too, with pieces of sausage and bacon throughout. I’ll leave the spinach and peppers on the side though, Zach isn’t much of a vegetable guy.
2:34 – School is over, sweet. Now poms.
We’ll watch a movie next. We have a movie room of course. Movies are one of our favorite things. The projector screen stretches the entire length of the wall and large Bose speakers are placed strategically along the perimeter. We won’t settle for anything less than the most prestigious surround sound system. Which movie would we watch? Gladiator? That’s Zach’s favorite. Why choose one? Who am I kidding? A movie marathon. Oh yes that will definitely happen today. We’ll pick probably five movies, and have popcorn and Sprite… actually diet Coke. Maybe I’ll put some cookies into the oven to munch on as well. Oh and those little hot dogs wrapped in Pillsbury croissant rolls. Yum! Snacks! Zach will really like this idea, he loves movies more than I do I think! I’ll have him bring some warm blankets and we’ll curl up on the giant couch and watch movies together. Maybe we’ll even fall back to sleep. I’ll have to be careful not to burn those cookies.
2:45-4:24 – Poms practice. Easily the most hated thing in my life. It is time consuming, it is horrible, it is my life.
As I emerge from the kitchen Zach’s face will light up when I reveal the platter of snacks that I have prepared. You can always count on food to bring out the ear to ear smile he has. We will plop down onto the couch, which consumes our bodies as we sink into the down, I’ll put the snacks in the middle of us and we’ll lay side by side, munching, and smiling. We’ll watch Across the Universe first… my choice of course.
4:25 – Leave for home to get ready for work
The movie has ended. Zach probably would be complaining the entire time as a sit wide eyed, singing along to my favorite Beatles songs, clapping my hands, and dancing around like a fool. Zach is used to this kind of behavior though, it didn’t take long for him to realize my abnormal personality, I wonder why he stays with me, nevertheless, he says “I love you” as I land next to him once again, after my interpretive attempt of dancing to “Strawberry fields forever”. All you need is love.
4:40 – Eat dinner as fast as I can (My mom works really hard to have a meal ready for my by 4:30 and I always feel horrible that I don’t even have the time to enjoy it. Ridiculous)
Another movie? More food? Why not.
4:50 – Leave for work (Repeating in my head “four hours, four hours, four hours”)
Zach will pick the next movie. I feel kind of bad for making him sit through my first choice. I know deep in his heart he loves Jims Sturgess’ serenades as much as I do… even if he won’t admit it. We will descend back into the kitchen. He’ll open the fridge, I’ll open the pantry, and we’ll stare at the contents, pondering the choices. Crackers and cheese? Veggies and Dip? No zach hates that. Cereal?
“How about this?” Zach will say as he pulls out a tray of leftover steak and mashed potatoes. Typical boy.
“Your really hungry aren’t you” I’ll reply. Of course Zach is hungry, I don’t think that I have ever seen him turn a cold shoulder to a meal. It is about dinner time, why not go out for dinner? A nice dinner. We can dress up! A night out after a day in. Perfect.
5:00 – 9:00 – Work. Men’s Warehouse. Measuring overweight rednecks, which are pissed off that they have to wear a tux for their best friend’s wedding. Pathetic general public. Draining. I’m bored and exhausted. However, I’ve gotten really good at the fake smile thing. ( I have poms to thank for that)
We should probably take a shower. We have been lounging around all day eating food and dancing, well, I’ve been dancing.
After our showers, we’ll get ready for dinner. Zach will most likely complain about having to dress nicely, but perhaps he will surprise me. Every so often, he really cleans up, with neatly pressed khaki pants and may favorite white Vans. He’ll apply a couple sprays of Calvin Klein cologne and smile at me, and I will smile back.
Zach will sit on the edge of the bed reading out loud from a book while I get ready. My hair resting naturally in its curly and whimsical state, and my eyes darkened by makeup will pop from the rest of my facial features. I’ll pull my skirt up over my hips, and tuck in my black blouse. My black feather earrings will hang loosely beside my neck and curls will fall gently down my back. I’ll look to Zach, who has been patiently reading to me, and ask him, “How do I look”. He’ll look up and Beam at me, like he always does, making me feel like an angel, when in reality I know I’m nothing near.
“You look perfect,” He’ll say. I’ll scuff of his exaggerated comment and We will be one our way.
9:15 – I’m finally home. I love my home. I love my family. It feels really good to be home.
We’ll arrive at our most coveted steak house, our stomachs rumbling with hunger. We’ll order diet cokes, as always, and enjoy a pleasant conversation across the candlelight. Zach will order rib-eye, and I will order halibut, our two favorite meals. Once the food arrives our conversation will stop as we rave on and on about how delicious our dinners taste. We’ll carve off a bite and pass them to one another, sharing our tastes and comparing our dishes. Zach will order Crème Brulee for desert, and we will place the shallow dish in the center of the table and enjoy the final course to a delectable dining experience.
With our stomachs filled to the brim, we will gather our coats and depart toward home.
9:30 – Here, there’s a couple options, if I have homework, I’ll do that, but if I don’t have homework I’ll workout.
Now that I’ve satisfied Zach’s craving for steak, we can continue with our original task, being to watch a movie. Zach will pick this time. His choice will involve action and aliens, as always. I actually enjoy his movies most of the time, so although the alien wars are nothing compared to Jim Sturgess, I settle in next to Zach on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, and enjoy the movie.
10:00 – Shower. Warm shower. The best shower.
The flick will come to an epic close, and I’ll stretch my legs long beneath the rest of my body.
“Bed time?” Zach will suggest, and I will comply. However, such a magnificent day could only end with one thing, hot chocolate. So I will prepare Zach and I mugs of cocoa, and top it off with a tower of whipped cream. We’ll sip on our steaming cups of greatness as we read together in bed. I’ll be reading a murder mystery and Zach will, of course, be reading a sci fi Thriller filled with zombies and vampires. He really is a nerd at heart.
10:30 – I have tea, I am in bed, I am happy. If I’m not asleep by this time, I’ll most likely be reading.
A kiss, an “I love you”, and a smile would be the concluding pieces to this perfect day. The lights will dim, I will snuggle into zachs open arms, and we’ll fall easily into a deep slumber.
11:00 – Sleep.
At the end of the day, my head hits the pillow, I hold my breath for a while, and then I exhale. My day, good or bad, will end, and every morning when I wake I will be blessed with 24 more hours to fill. Each hour may be painstaking, and as a push through each day awaiting a break from routine, my perfect life is never far from imagination. Fantasy or reality, I’ll take on my life by storm.