Nostalgia's Poison

December 13, 2011
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I will never be the same. The hold you have on me must be everlasting. Nostalgia's iron-clad grip clutches my soul and refuses to let go. I can't forget you. I can't move on.

We were four. I had to start school without you. You got to stay at day care,
but I had to go to school. "I'm smarter! Ha! I don't have to go, and you do!" I
resented that. Even in Pre-K I was already prideful.

First grade I had to get stitches. I was afraid the other kids would laugh at
me. I thought I was so ugly, undesirable. Insecurity already peeked his nasty
head around the corner. You told me, "You are not ugly! They're the ugly, yucky
ones for being mean." I loved you for that.

Second grade was when the big kids sang to us. "Jason loves Kayla! Jason loves
Kayla!" I blushed furiously. Later that week it changed to Jason loved Sandy. I
even joined in. Anything to keep the spotlight off of us. Why did I care so
much?

Fourth grade was a hard year. Divorce snuck her way between my parents. I wasn't
light hearted anymore. I quietly observed the other kids have fun from the
rotting, red swing. You always tried to make it better. Your cheesy jokes tugged
at the corners of my lips. My best friend.

Fifth grade, it was your turn. I wanted to comfort you, just like you comforted
me. I tried to tell you I knew EXACTLY what you were going through. I couldn't.
I was too ashamed. My walls were up, and they still haven't come down.

Last year, the brick barricade around my heart was missing a few pieces. I
confessed my troubled past. I wanted to be vulnerable for you. Finally. I
couldn't though. Not completely. My walls, still partially intact, were
strengthened when you never replied. I had poured out my heart and soul, I'll
admit it was virtually, but you never even acknowledged me. What happened to us?

I'm curious about whether or not you remember these little things.
Does your heart ache when you think about the years we've spent apart? Mine does. It never really stops. Sometimes, it's a dull pain. It's a faint knowledge that your absence still crosses my mind. Other days, your once familiar face haunts me. I miss you... I miss your warm, unjudging eyes. I never even felt your true embrace. The "what if" tears at my soul constantly.
What if we hadn't been so young? What if we never moved away from our hometown? What if you knew how I feel now?
I wish I didn't sing along to "Jason loves Sandy." I wish I didn't care so much about what other people thought, that it prevented me from having my own feelings.

I want to know if you long for the old times. Our times.
But most of all, I wonder if I'll ever be able to let you go.
I hope not


All I see is an occasional photo, now. Your new friends, new life. My heart stutters when I see the face of the boy I should have loved. I hope that we will find each other
again.





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