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Cold, Bitter, Stupid, Love
“How could you?” I choked out painfully. How could you!
“Sweetheart,” He began softly.
“Don’t sweetheart me.” I hissed angrily.
Vixen sighed, his breath coming out annoyed and impatient.
“Lily please.” He begged. “Please just hear me out.”
“Why should I?” I nearly screamed. “I already know what happened!”
He sighed again, combing his fingers through his dark unruly hair. His warm hazel eyes held more than enough pain.
I was suddenly aware of a chattering sound, and soon discovered it was my own teeth. It must’ve been at least past midnight. And in the middle of October, the cold Portland air was anything but merciful, nipping, and swirling at my nearly numbed face. My skinny jeans did little to keep me warm, neither my leather boots nor thin sweater thrown over a thinner long sleeved shirt. I’d been expecting an entire day in the warm indoors.
The lights to my house and every other on the street were off. At this hour, every decent person was asleep. But then again wasn’t it was clear to me Vixen was obviously not decent? If he’d had the cruelty to have cheated on me tonight?
“Lily…” He began again, in that sweet, honey thick voice he knew I couldn’t resist. But I blocked him out, thrust up my walls, and turned away. I wanted nothing more to do with him. He was a b******. A stupid, heartless, b******.
“Shut up.” I whispered painfully.
“Shut up!” I screamed this time. And now tears were threating to pour out. I choked down my sobs and put on a determined face. Or the most determined face I could manage.
I wanted nothing more than to sprint toward my house, bolt the door shut, scamper to my room and collapse onto my bed and cry and cry and cry. But Vixen’s gaze still held me. And so I stayed. With a pounding, aching, pain numbing my body. Or maybe that was the cold. Either way I didn’t really care anymore.
“Lily please I’m begging you, just listen to me for five minutes.” And there were those sweet, warm, hazel eyes again, pleading at me. Tearing me apart from the inside out.
The image was still burned in my head; we’d been at a party, a typical thing for high schoolers to do. Vixen and I had been cuddled tight together on a tattered couch in the midst of our wild friends hollering, drinking, and singing, and yet it had still been so perfect. Then I’d gone off to get us each a drink. I remembered heading toward the kitchen, fighting my way through the crazy crowds, and when I’d finally managed to escape with our drinks, I’d stumbled out of the crowd into a circle of people staring wide-eyed at something spectacular. I’d set down the drinks and had begun to make my way through the crowd. That’s when people had started staring. With eyes full of nothing but sorrow and pity. It’d made me confused, but not for long. Because that was when I’d finally made my way to the front of the crowd. And I could clearly see what everyone else was seeing. My Vixen, being pinned to the ground by another girl. No, girl was too generous of a word, w**** was more accurate. No decent high school student dressed like that and got away with it. And there they were, full on making out.
I remembered my head spinning, my gut churning, tears threating to pour out. But all I’d done was calmly walk over to them. I’d nudged– well, pushed the girl away, and had been left glaring at a clearly surprised Vixen. I’d only given him a cold, hard, look of pain, and disgust before storming away.
It still left a huge painful, gaping, hole in my heart that I knew Vixen was surely aware of. He knew me too well not to know I was hurting inside.
“Lily you didn’t see what you thought you saw.”
That’s when I lost it. I laughed like what he’d said was just the funniest thing in the entire world. And then I stared at him coldly. Like I would a pile of dead rats.
“Are you telling me I hallucinated seeing you making out with a w****?” I scoffed. “Ya. Right.” My arms were crossed tightly across my chest. I hate you.
He took a sharp intake of breath. And then brought his fingers to his temple, in clear frustration. “No Lily, that’s not what I’m saying. Please just–“
“Just shut up Vixen!” I was really loosing it now, and I couldn’t contain my tears anymore. So I just let them flow.
He took a cautious step toward me, gently reaching his hand out but I dodged his touch.
“Don’t…” I whispered hoarsely. I couldn’t believe any of this was happening. Vixen and me had always been so close, so in sync, right from the beginning. How could this be happening? How could all of my dreams be falling apart right in front of me? More tears escaped.
He let out a sigh. “Lily please don’t cry… I hate to see you cry.”
And maybe he was telling the truth then, maybe he’d been telling the truth the whole time tonight and I just didn’t want to listen. But nothing was making sense anymore. I just wanted to find comfort, and the only way of comfort I knew was Vixen’s arms, and obviously that wasn’t going to happen.
“Please Vixen, just leave me alone.” I whispered.
“Lily I didn’t mean for any of that to happen, I swear.” His painful whisper made me look up. And I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Vixen was crying. There was no mistaking it; his eyes glistened too bright for me to think I was going crazy.
“Lily, tonight it was her that came over to me. She started flirting and stuff and I tried to tell her to go away but she wouldn’t listen!” He sounded like he was in so much pain I flinched.
“She started touching me and then I started yelling at her.” He brought his gaze up to meet mine, and I could see that his tears were flowing heavily now. “Lily I swear I did everything I could to get her away from me but I just couldn’t!” More crying. He must be telling the truth…
“She tackled me… and I couldn’t get her off.” His voice had been reduced to a creaky whisper. I could see the pain in those warm hazel eyes of his again. And this time I wanted to comfort him so badly. But I didn’t know what to say. How to start. Where to begin.
“Lily please forgive me.”
I tried to say something again, but I just couldn’t. I just stood there in the freezing cold, staring at him. Not having a clue what to say.
And then there was that painful whisper again.
“Please say you’ll forgive me.”
I sighed a deep breath. And took a step closer to him.
Suddenly there was a vibration in my jean pocket. The sensation jolted me awake from the dreamlike state I’d been in. It was Vixen’s phone. I’d completely forgotten I’d had it.
“Here, let me get that baby.” He held his hand out for the phone.
But something about what he’d said hadn’t sounded quite right. No, not what he’d said, how he’d said it. I just didn’t know what. So I took out the phone and opened the text message for myself instead.
“Lily!” He protested. But it was too late now.
Hey babe sorry bout that b**** of yours we should met somewhere quitter nxt time k? ;) and btw i could feel u gettn hard thru my skirt ;) wanna come ovr to my place and do it? ;)
“You heartless b******!” I screeched. And through his phone at him as hard as I possibly could.
“Shut up!” I backed away from him, feeling a terrible ache inside my stomach. I want to die.
“I can’t believe you!” I shouted. Lights were coming on now. People were sticking their heads out their windows to see what had woken them up. I didn’t care. Let them listen.
“You can take your shitty lies and get the hell away from me! I never ever want to see your stupid face again!”
“Well none of this would’ve ever happened if you’d just had sex with me!”
I was taken aback. What the hell? Was he really yelling at me for not having sex with him? That’s what he was blaming all of this on?”
“Are you f***ing kidding me? Are you telling me this is all my fault!”
I was so mad at him. So mad at everything. Half of me wanted to stay out here in the freezing cold and smack some sense into him. But I knew plenty of people were staring. I’d have enough explaining to do to my parents when they got home tomorrow and heard from my neighbors. I didn’t want more to deal with.
“Just leave me the hell alone Vixen!” I screeched before he could say anything else. “I never want to see you again!”
And before I’d given him a chance to form another stupid lie, I stormed into my house and slammed the door as hard as I possibly could. I scampered up to my room with hot tears streaming down my face. I threw myself onto my bed and sobbed.
It was gone now. All of it. I used to be so sure Vixen and me would get married some day. We’d always been so perfect together. I just couldn’t believe he was gone.
And that he’d lied to me. That stupid b****** lied to me.
I’d almost forgiven him too. I’d been so close to taking him in my arms and telling him I’d forgiven him. It made me sick.
I felt so hollow inside. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I couldn’t believe he’d lied. And I’d almost believed him.
If I’d almost believed him tonight, who knows how many times I had in the past year we’d been going out?
I sobbed all night. Choking, and screaming, and just wanting it all to end.
When my parents came home that morning, they came into my room at once. They took one look at me. And knew that the neighbor’s gossip was true.
“Oh, honey.” My mother cooed, and took me in her arms. And I started sobbing all over again. My dad left after a few comforting pats on my back. There wasn’t much he could do anyway. I hated the entire male race right now.
After my mother had gotten me to stop sobbing she made me breakfast. Just toast and some tea. I didn’t want to eat it; afraid I’d choke it up later when I was sobbing. But my mom told me I had to eat. So I did. I didn’t taste any of it.
I hated Vixen so much. I wanted to die. But then I wouldn’t be doing anything but giving Vixen the satisfaction of knowing he’d gotten to me. So I didn’t. But then again, I’d known for certain for at least the first few months of us he’d actually cared for me. So I wanted to find some way to make him pay. To make him realize what a stupid mistake he’d made. I thought of his best friend Tyler, how he’d liked me for a while before. How close he was to Vixen. I picked up my phone and dialed his number. The phone rang once and then he picked up.
“Hey Tyler.” My voice was still mangled from all the crying but I managed to sound decent.
“Um, hey what’s up? I heard about you and Vixen…”
I choked back a sob and forced a smile. “Ya, turned out he was an ass. Look, I know you used to be into me… so whatya say?”
I could practically hear him grinning. The bad boy side of him I’d never known, coming out of hiding.
“Sounds great angel.”