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Edited Version of Confusion

The world seems like it's collapsing around me. I can't tell him. I just can't. Well I guess I can, but I won't. I won't tell him that I'm the reason his new replacement for me is gone. I won't tell him that I still want him to be there even though I do everything in my power to keep him out. I won't. I just won't.
I saw him today in the hallway, he looked so sad. But the sadness quickly disintegrated into instant anger when he saw my face. I looked away. He knows it was me that caused the messy breakup between him and Sarah. Why can't I just suck it up and confess to him already? Her face still stares at me whenever I close my eyes. The wicked scene instant replays in my dreams of the day I told her the supposed truth of what happened between Matt and I. Matt and I... Didn't that used to be 'us'? Where did that go?
The scene is stuck in my head. I told Sarah the 'honest truth' that he broke up with me for another girl, and cheated on me. She apparently broke up with him as soon as second period started. Of course that wasn't my intention. Breaking his heart I mean, all I wanted was a fight that could make him break up with her and send him crawling back to me. Guess I didn't think hard enough...
Sarah switched schools today. Was it really all that bad? Did I ruin a girls life by simply telling the lie I thought was reality? Guess I did... Now I see why he hates me... Maybe I hate me too. Matthew waltzes down the hall the way I always loved about him. His walk is like he's walking on a clear path, like life cant put a finger on him. But this time it's different. He's walking toward me.
'what did you do!' it comes to mind that maybe he wasn't coming over here to tell me he loves me back.
'And what exactly do you think I did?' makes sense. I answer his direct question with another, that way I'm in the clear so he can't yell at me.
'Don't think I'm dumb. You convinced her of some messed up lie that I cheated on you. When you know all to well very well what happened between us.' okay ouch. Why don't you just drive a stake through my heart while your at it. Instead I come back with a calm statement.
'No Matt I don't know. You never told me exactly what happened all I know is that there was another girl involved. But I didn't tell Sarah anything.' How did I get so nonchalant about lying? I used to start blabbing and crying and all red. Now it comes out better than the truth itself.
'Don't mess with me Claire. You know about John and what happened that night I came in on your two's 'study session' oh you were studying all right.'
I'm sorry... What?! What john? I don't even know a John! 'Did you see my face?'
'no I saw your hair. And I know your hair. The beautiful golden sunset still makes me smile' he trails off then just stops and walks away. Is there hope? Can he love me back?

I run over to my best friend Marissa. She's her usual self, always wanting to beat someone else up for me. Or the occasional sacrifice into the fire. Today I'm whiny and in need of support so I'm running and I sorta fall into the hug she holds out to me. And I miss. The ground is harder than I suspected carpet to be. Did I hit something? I did. I hit the sharp edge of the table Marissa was sitting at. My head is bleeding. Suddenly her words are frantic but calm as the whole world spins and starts to turn white. See, I was right. My world is collapsing down.



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