You use to captivate me with your ongoing lies. These wounds won’t seem to heal; this pain is just too real. I tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone but though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along. I shouldn’t have to be this way. The shadows creep closer and closer so that they are nearly engulfing me. Silence blinds me, darkness numbing me so that I feel nothing around me or even throughout my being. Like the song states: “Desperate plans make sense to the low lives…” It is what is coursing through my mind. Deciding whether I should take my life or live on. It is a debate whose answer is hard to find. It’s why I never tell you what’s on my mind because that is always a debate that never finds it’s answer. The band Sixx AM says that: “Life is beautiful just open your eyes…” I have yet to challenge these lyrics. The only lyrics I don’t challenge from them is that I don’t want no one to cry at my funeral. It’s funny how you can think of this logic when contemplating death. I sigh once more and try to find logic in the fight in my head. Death pulls and screams while life begs and tries to make me see the lighter side of things. I swear it doesn’t get any easier. I finally make my judgment. I stand up and take a deep breath and look in the mirror. I place my hand against the cool glass and take one last look at myself. I drag myself to my window and climb down to the branches of our tree and climb to the ground. I shove my hands in my pockets, grab my Mp3 and turn it to Sixx AM’s song My Funeral. I walk into the dark city to the tall bridge over the creek. I take a breath and climb on the edge of the bridge. I look down to where they will find my mangled body and take a breath. I think of the family I’m leaving behind and the friends that have come in and out of my life. Just as I am about to walk over the side I hear footsteps walk up behind me. I don’t even bother to look. Seeing that I’m not moving, the other person climbs onto the bridge side right next to me and stands beside me. Curiosity getting the best of me, I finally look over and see that it’s you standing beside me. You, the one who caused all of this and made me consider taking my life, are standing right beside me. You take my hand in yours and give it a slight squeeze. I look back at the fate I was about to choose and sigh once more, ready to accept what I’m about to do. Then, out of the blue, you say “You jump and so do I. I know I caused this and for that I am more than willing to accept this fate.” I look back at you and into your eyes searching for truth and sincerity. You lean forward and put your lips to mine. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ever cause you pain and I’m not going to let you take your life for something I did. I love you.” I look into your eyes and see that you really mean what you say. I let out the breath I have been holding as you climb down not breaking our connection. Ever so slowly you ease me down as well and when I am safely back on the solid ground you hold me in your arms tightly as I cry my eyes out in your shoulder. You kiss me and apologize saying you are going to make this better. I nod and cry some more until no more tears can escape my eyes. I catch my breath and look up at you. You put your hands on my cheeks and look me in the eyes and then press your lips to mine. You walk me down the road to the little park with swings where you sit on a picnic table and pull me onto your lap. You hold me close without letting me go. “Don’t ever try and take your life for something I did. Your life is more important than anything in this world. You mean everything to me. You are my world and every breath. I can’t lose you.” You say to me. I nod against your chest still in disbelief that just seconds ago I was about to end my being. You lay back on the table pulling me with you so that I lay beside you with my head on your chest. Little do we notice that we drift off into a slumber until the early rising sun awakens you. You gently lay me flat on the table and position yourself around me so that the sun may not disturb me. I awaken to the touch of your lips on mine and still can’t believe that you are actually here. Tears well in my eyes but I fight them back. You kiss me once more. “Wake up. Wake up. Mandy, wake up!” You scream. I look up at you puzzled. “I am awake what are you talking about?” You still keep shouting for me to wake up. Then I am in my room. I sit up and glance around confused. That’s when I realize that it was all a dream. Tears well up in my eyes again and spill over onto my cheeks. You really are gone. It was only a dream. It seemed so real yet it was a dream. You were so strong and loving. I could have sworn you were here one last time but no, you are still gone. Taken from me by your illness only a year ago but that won’t stop me from seeing you. Nor can I ever really accept that you are gone. I blame myself for it every day yet every dream you visit me in, you tell me not to blame myself. You say it was your illness that killed you, not me but it’s hard for me to see it that way. I curl up in my fetal position and lay there once more seeing only your face and your smile. I smile to myself and begin to cry some more. A majority of me died along with you that night, the only lively part of me was because of you. To which I shall not ever forget you.
November 20, 2011