Midnight Musings: The Widow

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I’m writing this to you because, well frankly I don’t know why. I guess I’m just tired of hearing people give “helpful” tips on how to cope. I guess I’m just ready to actually sleep all night without seeing your face. I guess, in all, I’m just really missing you.

Everyone has their own opinion of what’s going on, maybe that’s the reason I don’t feel like I need to have one. I mean, you’re gone, how am I supposed to just label that and walk away? You were the first person I said I loved and the first person I vowed my life too. I know other people miss you too but, it doesn’t feel like a universal missing. They miss a daughter, or a sister, or a friend. You want to know what I’m missing? I’m missing an arm, a lung, a wife, a friend, a secret-keeper, the person who held me and I believed they loved me. I’m missing the one person I opened up to. I’m missing you.
I’m a thirty-three year old man, being told I still have time to fall in love again. Again? Why would I ever want that? Another ten years of holding my breath to see if there is an eleventh? Being married to you was my time as a happily married man. Now, now I’m classified as a widow and that’s exactly what I’ll be. I don’t want anyone else reaching for my hand during the saddest part of a movie or curling up to me like I’m a warm pillow. No, I’ve had all of that.
I want my obituary to read ‘forever married to perfect woman, even now.’ It’s not that there aren’t any pretty girls or women looking for love. But between you and me, it just wouldn’t be fair treating a woman like she’s first in my book when she’s really second. You’ll always be first, and it’s the one thing we always agreed on. Now don’t give me any of your stares or eye rolls. You might think I’m just being stubborn, and maybe in some ways I am, but it’s the way I’ve decided to be.
It’s getting late so I suppose I’ll stop writing. Our little girl starts school tomorrow, can you believe it? It feels like just yesterday she was three weeks old and being cradled in your arms. A lot of things feel like that. Mostly just you. She’s growing more and more like you each day and I know one day I’ll have to sit down and tell her all about you. She’ll have a million questions, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to answer them all, but I’ll try. I just hope I can do justice to the perfect wife and mother. Yeah, you can eye roll at that. Good night sweetheart, have a drink on me.

Love,

Still your husband.





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G-ma said...
Sept. 29, 2011 at 7:58 am
OMG  Ms ally that was a very warm heartwrenching story, it brought tears to my eyes and made me wish for someone like that!!!   Great job!!!  keep on writing!!
 
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