The One I Always Went Back To

September 14, 2011
By , New York, NY
How long have you been here? Two years, three years? I wonder why that scares me. No one's been here that long, been so close to me for that long. I like to deny exactly how much I love you. 

I was so awkward when i first met you, like Ugly Betty. I was Ugly Betty when I first met you. And we'd talk for hours, and we unraveled each other's minds. I wanted to know everything about you, your fears, your dreams, what you think about when you're trying to fall asleep, everything. In that time you made me who I am today. And I was in love, but I didn't believe it. And I wanted you there, so I didn't risk it. 

Seasons changed, summer became fall and we moved on. And there was another girl, and she was nice, and funny and beautiful and I refused to believe it. You'd ask for advice; I'd put on a stale smile while inside my head I was screaming for you to love me. Love me as much as I love you. But I moved on too. The love we had for another bred distance between us. But I think even then you were always there. I still went to you.

I wanted you more than anything. Not him, not anyone else. You. I wanted your arms around me, I wanted your soft kisses, I wanted to hear your voice first and your voice last, and everything that he did felt wrong. I wanted you.

Then I had the courage to tell you that, but god I'm the worst at timing. You were with someone else, and I was in love. And the distance came back. You changed too, and my love would change to match.

You moved 900 miles away, settling into the Deep South without a word. And I didn't love you. I didn't love anything. Or I loved the guy I left; I guess my heart's fickle like that. What was surprising was that you were still there. Drunken calls wishing you could be with me. Detailed conversations about your new life and your new friends. They made my life more livable; I don't think I ever told you that. 

I was so happy to have you there. I think you were happy to have me too. We were special for each other; we could be the rawest form of ourselves. No masks, no lies, no deception. Just ourselves. How often do you come by people like that in a lifetime?  Not often enough, that's what scares me.

I like being with you when we're alone. Everything always feels so natural. Watching the fake-suburban skyline on a mountain, inebriated with you. We always felt so natural. 

Laughing with you, crying with you. Meeting your family, taking walks, texting till 3 am, everything as long you're there. I loved every moment I shared with you.  

Do I love you still? Do I want to love you? I don't know, but please don't leave.  





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