My Lie

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I'm sitting here, reminiscing about all the days we’ve ever spent together, all unforgettable and forever engraved in my memory. I particularly recall the day, when you were flipping through my journal and questioning me about writing in pencil “Aren’t these things supposed to be written in pen?” I answered so quickly, that it seems like I respond in my mind instead. “Because I mostly refer to you, and when I’m ready, I’ll simply erase.” The last word burned the tip of my tongue.


Sometimes I wish that I won’t think of you as frequently as I do. It’s…uncontrollable, just as involuntary as it is to breathe. It’s still strange to me after all this time that I still end up enjoying the thought of you. Although on the rarest occasions, I feel this hopelessness, that’s so hard to overcome, when I see you. Those are the times I truly wish I could just take the eraser of my pencil to certain parts of my life and with one swift motion, instantly forget you ever happened, only if life was as simple as that. As if all of this could possibly just be a figment of my imagination. What sucks through was the day I actually spoke to you without hurting, no uneasiness, nor rush in my stomached. I guess I’ve just finally gone numb. I remember our walk; it was quiet which is strange because I still remember those long talks that made us absolutely inseparable. It was strange almost uncomfortable seeing your hand in your pocket like that, maybe cause I’m so used to seeing it holding mine. Those few moments we were together felt as if they lasted a life time. The silence between us felt like a thousand pounds. I sat down and you sat right in front of me fidgeting with that bracelet you always wore. I could see your thoughts running by a mile a minute through your eyes, as you collected your words one by one. I even thought of leaving, but I found that moment so intriguing to the point where I clung onto every word you said.


Finally you uttered those 3 words that I had longed to hear, “I miss you”. My reaction wasn’t what I had originally planned. Those words were paralyzing, I was motionless, speechless, reviewing them over and over in my head. I suddenly gained the valor that I needed all this time to say “I don’t miss you.” That had by far been the biggest lie I ever told. When I think about it on the rarest occasions, I can’t help but thank him for opening my eyes and teaching me without even realizing. Even when I think about how we used to be with the stupid mess ups, break ups, and make ups. I was so used to us that in my naïve mind I thought we would always be part of one another’s lives. I fell in love with the IDEA, nothing more nothing less. What if I hadn’t walked away that day and forgotten about you? I guess I’ll never know and that’s what makes life so beautiful. Taking it day by day and accepting my everyday challenges and embracing it even if I'm not sure of the outcome.





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Rick Overton said...
Sept. 2, 2011 at 6:37 pm
This is a very nice piece, brought back some memories of my own. Thanks (=
 
Maggz said...
Sept. 2, 2011 at 8:23 am
I absolutely LOVE your voice in this article.<3 keep writing!
 
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