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Always.

“I love you,” I whisper to the empty cemetery. I’m on the verge of tears. I visit every day, yet it gets no easier. The stabbing pain in my heart stays.


Don’t be melodramatic, I tell myself. It’s not physical pain. My heart’s just broken.


Just a sign, that’s all I need. A sign I’ll be okay. Something to help me through this. Something that tells me it won’t last forever.


I wish he would’ve been forever.


He was that guy, the boy all the girls fell over, the one the guys were jealous of. He was perfect. He always had long hair, down to his shoulders, dark brown aside from one bleached blonde streak. He had a nose ring, though not the scary kind. He was that sort of alternative punk kid that no one would mess with out of admiration, even though he was about as tough as a teddy bear. Only five foot four, always sweet and gentle. He wore ripped skinny jeans and hoodies every day and he was never a skater kid, always focused on his music. And he was incredible, musically. His voice, his energy, his extreme talent…That was what got me. He was the exact opposite of what you’d think.


I had never been so interesting. Plain, shy, quiet. Pale blonde hair and gray eyes. Simple. I didn’t like attention, and maybe that was because I never got any attention. Except his.


It all happened so fast. He blinded me by his beauty. And not just the way he looked; the way he talked, the way he walked, the way he just was.


And then he was growing thinner and becoming more fragile and shrinking before my eyes. I was losing him and there was nothing I could do. He had refused treatments until he met me.


“I had nothing to live for before. Now I have you,” he’d said. I had laughed and put my head on his chest, where I never felt out of place.


More tears came and I found myself sitting down in front of the stone. I missed him so much; it hurt just to think about. Why did we have so little time together? Of all the injustice in the world.


I remembered one of our last conversations. He had told me he was dying, that he was sure his life was almost over. He told me to forget him. I had practically screamed at him.

“You can’t. You won’t die. You remember what happened to my father. Not again. Not you.” I broke down sobbing and was inconsolable for hours.


Those last few weeks, I dutifully stayed by his bedside. He was only seventeen. I stayed, but I wouldn’t just watch him deteriorate. I couldn’t do it; I loved him far too much. He was only seventeen.


The last thing I said to him was a long speech, where I finally told him I loved him. I sat down next to him, nervous. I was braiding my hair, something I was known to do when I had something to say. I’d practiced the speech dozens of times in front of my bedroom mirror that morning.


“Just say it, Mae.”


“I don’t trust people enough. You know that. It took me so long to trust you, too long, and I regret that. I trust you to stay alive, if not for yourself, for me. I can’t live without you. There’s no point in living if you’re gone. So please stay. For me. I love you. More than anything I love you and I need you, because if you’re gone, I’m gone. Maybe not in body, but in soul.”



And then I stopped because I realized how cheesy I sounded. He didn’t care. He just hugged me tight, keeping me in his arms for as long as he could and said, “I love you. I love you so much. I wish I’d said it sooner. Never let go.”


I choked on the sob stuck in my throat. No, time didn’t heal. Pain and grief don’t fade; you just learn to live with them. I’m usually a quick student, but I refuse to learn this lesson. That would be letting go. And I’m holding on for as long as I can.


Staring at his grave, I understand that he’s gone. He’ll never kiss my forehead as a replacement of “hello” or read me some silly love poem or play me a beautiful song on his guitar. I’ll never hold him again or fall asleep to a movie, only to wake up with him watching me, like I’m more captivating than anything he’s ever seen. He’ll never stroke my hair or caress my face or cook dinner for just us two. He was an awful cook, but the meals we shared were the most delicious I’d ever had. It’s hard to wrap my head around the loss of all the things I loved, which were all tied up in what was him.


I wipe my tears and brush the downy snow off the head stone.


“I love you,” I whisper again, hoping that, wherever he is, he can hear my words loud and clear. That he’s looking down and smiling.


***


“Sweetheart, you have mail.”


I turn toward my mother in surprise. “From who?”


No one sends me mail. I’ve hardly talked to anyone since the funeral. Just my mother. I spend all my time writing, reading, and sleeping. It’s not healthy, I hardly eat, but I couldn’t care any less.


“There’s not a return address,” she muses. “And it was just left on the doorstep. Anyway, it has your name scrawled on the front.”


I sigh and take the envelope from her, walking upstairs mindlessly. It feels thin, probably a short letter of condolence from some forgetful relative. Nothing of importance.


I throw it on my dresser. I can’t read any more of them. It’s unbearable. Every time I see the words “I’m sorry for your loss”, I get sick to my stomach. It feels like my heart is breaking all over again.


Of course, my grandmother, who doesn’t understand the pain, will push me to write a thank you letter, so I may as well read it and check if it’s anyone worth talking to.


I rip open the envelope, being careless. Who’s going to notice if the letter’s a little torn? Certainly not me.


Dear Mae…


I drop the letter to the ground as my grasp loosens. I can’t continue. Not because of the words themselves, exactly.


The handwriting.


It can’t be.


Either someone’s playing a very cruel joke on me, or love truly does defy death.


Dear Mae…

Don’t be sad for too long. Please be alive. More than alive. If I can’t be so, promise me you will be. You can say your soul is gone, that with it went your heart, but I have it right here, if that’s the case. With me. So it’s never gone as long as you hold on.


I miss you. Know that I do, wherever you go, whoever you meet. Know that I’m yours. Know that you’re mine. Know that this love will never die. Know it will last forever. So don’t worry. Relax. Live. Just be. I’m always watching down on you and I’ll always be there for you. If you ever need me, all you have to do is think it.



I love you.
More than you’ll ever know.


Your angel,
Jordan Young



“I’m not letting go,” I whisper. And then louder, “I’ll never let go.”


And I won’t. If he’s looking down on me, if he’s always here, then I want this to last forever. I’ll weather the hurt if it means I can hold on to him. We’ll be together again, even if only in the stars.


“I love you.”


And I can almost hear him whispering back, softly.



Join the Discussion


This article has 19 comments. Post your own!

wordnerd54This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
today at 10:32 pm:
That last line... Absolutely perfect. Great job; that was very touching and intriguing to read.
 
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AsIAmThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 9, 2012 at 1:19 pm:
I really love this, for a ton of reasons! Firstly, I love all the little threads woven into this - why didn't he think he had anything to live for? what happened to her dad? what's her relationship to her mother?, and how they promise more answers in the full story. I also like how he's not the typical romance novel character - he's this punk guy with long hair and a nose ring. The character development is also great, and I cant help but love him and hate him at the same time, fo... (more »)
 
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BluBliss said...
Feb. 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm:
There's so many little stories inside this big story- her father's condition, her loss of her father, her living with her grandmother, and the whole personality behind Jordan. I really liked it. You must've put alot into it. I like your writing.
 
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immortal1290 said...
Aug. 22, 2011 at 10:56 am:
This was amazing. It's realistic and I almost cried just reading it! It was a little confusing when it switched between past and present, but I think it was necessary to show their relationship before he died.  
 
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paige14 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 18, 2011 at 12:19 pm:
This is really good. It grabbed my attention from the get-go and made me cry at the end. My only criticism is that the switch between past and present tense is kinda confusing and doesn't really make sense. But this is still an amazing piece. You're a great writer.
 
JustAnotherOwlThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 19, 2011 at 7:29 am :
I know it can be confusing...But I just don't know how else to do it...Because some parts have to be in past tense. Thank you, though! :)
 
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BreeTayler This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 16, 2011 at 8:23 pm:

... This story meant a lot to me.

I can't exactly put too much thought in this particular peice. Simply because it's a touchy subject.

But it's extremely realistic. And don't even get me started on your style of writing... It's genius.

I cried my eyes out.. I'm still crying actually lol ... But the ending has filled my heart with peace. So thank you for that. And excellent job. You are quit the writer. :)

 
JustAnotherOwlThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 18, 2011 at 10:10 am :
Thank you so much! I'm glad this piece has been so well recieved! :)
 
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CreativelyCleverThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 12, 2011 at 8:17 pm:
Really touching and I hope you'll write more ! (:
 
JustAnotherOwlThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 13, 2011 at 5:56 pm :
Thank you! :) And this is basically what my novel is based on, just with more to it...So I will be posting that pretty soon.
 
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CarrieAnn13This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 12, 2011 at 8:09 pm:
I'm not normally a person who cries, but I just cried over your story.  Man, that was amazing!  I remember reading this in the forums and you've only improved on it since then.  This was really, really touching.  I'm favouriting this.
 
JustAnotherOwlThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 13, 2011 at 5:58 pm :
That's amazing! Thank you so much! :) And I believe I entered it in one of your contests.
 
CarrieAnn13This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 13, 2011 at 6:32 pm :
That's where I read it!  I remember it won the contest and rightly so.
 
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BriarRose This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 11, 2011 at 6:13 pm:
I cried. This is really touching and beautiful. wow.
 
JustAnotherOwlThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm :
Aw. Thank you! :) That means a lot to me!
 
MorenSoreThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 13, 2011 at 1:16 pm :
WOW! that was amazing.
 
JustAnotherOwlThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 13, 2011 at 6:07 pm :
Thank you! :)
 
JessiSawrus replied...
Aug. 17, 2011 at 5:39 am :
Just recently signed up on TeenInk and i'm honestly not regretting it! your story was one of the first i read on this site and i am definitely gonna read more of this story and the others that you have to offer! you have amazing talent! tagging this as my DEFINITE FAVOURITE! xXx
 
JustAnotherOwlThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 18, 2011 at 10:11 am :
Well, thank you! :) That really means a lot!
 
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