It was another morning when she woke up beside him, emotions rushing back to her. She loved him of course, but everything she felt about him was... conflicting. There were some days when she just wanted to be with him, to have him hold her in his ebony, toned arms and to feel his warm skin. She wanted to wrap her arms around his neck and hug him as tight as she could, to listen to him breathe and just be with him. But some days, most days actually, she’d reach her hands out to touch him and he’d withdraw, an icy look crossing his eyes for just a second. But it always disappeared as quickly as it would come. So distant he was, like with every word she spoke the further he’d dig himself into a hole. The kisses were no longer a moment when her heart swelled and she felt like everything she’d ever wanted was wrapped around her waist, more like a still, awkward time when her eyes stayed open and she looked at everything in the room, anything... just waiting for the moment to be over. He told her that he loved her, and he held her hand tight and told her that he’d always be there and she wanted to believe him, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. There was no way that two people that really loved each other as much as they said they did would sleep on opposites sides of the bed, back to back not turning over once to kiss the other on the neck. Every spark they’d once had had fizzled out, leaving nothing between them but memories and pictures of them cuddled up with each other in their new apartment. They were so excited, so happy to finally be together day in and day out, they were so sure of the fact that every single day they’d go home to each other’s open arms... ready to be loved. But just maybe being around each other all the time was the worst thing for them. Their mindless conversations were slowly filled with awkward silences, with moments where their eyes shot to corners of the room and back at each other only to find that the other wasn’t gazing at them affectionately, with a look so tender that they’d fall into each others arms and just be. It was gone, all of that was gone and it was awkward, stiff, uncomfortable, and nothing was the same. As much as she wished for that feeling to come back possibly with somebody else... she just couldn’t leave him. She sat up in bed and looked over at him, he was asleep and his shoulders were stiff like he even resisted her touch in his sleep. She thought about putting her hand on his skin, to rub his forearm and pull him into a hug and kiss his neck but she stopped herself and climbed out of bed going to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. She sat at the breakfast bar in their small apartment, which used to be laced with photos of their random road trips, long drives, and times when they just felt happy enough to take a picture of anything. Back when they were really in love, but now it was completely organized, their stuff organized by his and hers... no longer just ours. She sipped her coffee and looked down in her cup, she felt trapped in the walls of her apartment. As much as she wanted to be free and move back with her friends who have always been there unlike the distant boyfriend she was once so in love with... she just couldn’t. There was something in her that still wanted to love him, and no matter how many awkward moments passed between them, she couldn’t let it go.
July 19, 2011