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A Letter to my Sister's Future Boyfriend

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Greetings!


For dating my dear little sister, you must be either a very special man or a complete creep who wants to take advantage of her. If you are her first boyfriend, then I suspect it is the latter. All you have to do to disprove my theory is visit our family! If my sister has conned you into deciding to meet us, then you are either very brave or very stupid. Again, I suspect it is the latter.


Anyway, I guess you should know what to expect.


As soon as your vehicle pulls into our driveway, you will be watched. If you are even mildly aware of your surroundings, you will see three short, dark-skinned men in military gear. These are three of the seasonal Filipino workers we employ on our apiary. One of them will be armed with a pellet gun and another will be armed with my dad’s bear hunting rifle. The last one doesn’t need a gun; he’s a bull wrestler. While these three men are dangerous, they aren’t the ones you need to worry about.


At our front door you will be greeted by dad and his double-barrel shotgun. One barrel is filled with rock salt and bacon rind while the other has an actual shell. This is a warning as to what will happen if you break her heart. Still, dad is not the one you should be the most afraid of.


No, the person you should fear most is my mother. She has the aura of a military general and the ruthless streak of a Mafia boss. It is a rare young man that is not intimidated by her. Personally, I don’t think you are one of these rare men.


But if you love my little sister despite her psychotic family, you do indeed deserve her love. If you stick around long enough to marry her, then maybe I can accept you as my brother-in-law. Maybe.



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This article has 232 comments. Post your own!

--sarah said...
Nov. 27, 2011 at 3:28 pm:
definitely reminds me of my family! i loved how humorous it was, but still so well written. great job!
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Nov. 27, 2011 at 3:35 pm :
Thanks for commenting! :)
 
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LifesIllusion said...
Nov. 25, 2011 at 7:25 pm:
Definitly made me laugh. Though I was waiting to hear what you would do once he walked through that door you know? I wanted to know how YOU were going to protect your little sister. That's just a suggestion because maybe you already do do something! anyway keeep writing:)
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Nov. 25, 2011 at 7:36 pm :
Thanks for the suggestion! :)
 
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Afanen This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 17, 2011 at 10:39 pm:
I wouldn't put it past my family to do this, sadly. :) Funny story.
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Nov. 18, 2011 at 8:03 am :
Thanks! I'm glad it was entertaining. :)
 
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AnimaCordis said...
Nov. 15, 2011 at 10:56 am:
I thought this very funny ( it remindes me of my family)i really like your use of using two possiblilites to describe the boyfriend, and then always going for the less attractive one. Great voice in this peice. It's so different from your other work it shows you have talent!
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Nov. 15, 2011 at 2:49 pm :
Thanks!  I'm glad you thought it was funny. :)
 
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IceFox416 said...
Nov. 14, 2011 at 6:35 pm:
Love it! You are great at writing humorous stuff. I feel sorry for the poor guy, though . . .
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Nov. 14, 2011 at 7:12 pm :
Thanks! :)                   
 
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Tink1350 said...
Nov. 11, 2011 at 11:29 am:
Omg I have a little sister and I would so print this out and give it to any boy she brings home haha. And btw, I just posted more chapters of my novel the ember pendant so if you could take a look at the new chapters when they get posted thatd be great! Thanks Carrie.
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Nov. 11, 2011 at 3:16 pm :
Of course I'll look at your new chapters!  Thanks so much for commenting. :)
 
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RayBaytheDinosaur said...
Oct. 18, 2011 at 11:29 am:
Haha xD poor guy lol cute story though!
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Oct. 18, 2011 at 11:01 pm :
Thanks for commenting!
 
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Emiri said...
Oct. 10, 2011 at 2:49 pm:
This is the funniest threat mail I've ever read! I love it! Poor guy, I'd hate to be in his position.
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Oct. 10, 2011 at 2:49 pm :
Thanks for commenting! :)  Generally threat mail isn't as funny as this.
 
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CoffeeKat said...
Oct. 8, 2011 at 9:37 pm:
Is it wrong I was laughing? This was so amazing--my Uncles promised that this is almost exactly what will happen when I bring a boy home for a Holiday. Very creative and funny. Brought a smile to my night. =) Cheers!
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Oct. 8, 2011 at 10:30 pm :
I'm glad this made you laugh! :)  That's the whole point of writing a piece like this.
 
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purpleink said...
Oct. 4, 2011 at 11:59 am:
I have a younger sister, so i totally get it. :) made me smile.
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Oct. 4, 2011 at 9:10 pm :
I'm glad it made you smile! :)
 
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