A Letter to my Sister's Future Boyfriend

July 20, 2011
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For dating my dear little sister, you must be either a very special man or a complete creep who wants to take advantage of her. If you are her first boyfriend, then I suspect it is the latter. All you have to do to disprove my theory is visit our family! If my sister has conned you into deciding to meet us, then you are either very brave or very stupid. Again, I suspect it is the latter.

Anyway, I guess you should know what to expect.

As soon as your vehicle pulls into our driveway, you will be watched. If you are even mildly aware of your surroundings, you will see three short, dark-skinned men in military gear. These are three of the seasonal Filipino workers we employ on our apiary. One of them will be armed with a pellet gun and another will be armed with my dad’s bear hunting rifle. The last one doesn’t need a gun; he’s a bull wrestler. While these three men are dangerous, they aren’t the ones you need to worry about.

At our front door you will be greeted by dad and his double-barrel shotgun. One barrel is filled with rock salt and bacon rind while the other has an actual shell. This is a warning as to what will happen if you break her heart. Still, dad is not the one you should be the most afraid of.

No, the person you should fear most is my mother. She has the aura of a military general and the ruthless streak of a Mafia boss. It is a rare young man that is not intimidated by her. Personally, I don’t think you are one of these rare men.

But if you love my little sister despite her psychotic family, you do indeed deserve her love. If you stick around long enough to marry her, then maybe I can accept you as my brother-in-law. Maybe.

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This article has 234 comments. Post your own now!

Taconut7 said...
Apr. 21, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Haha! That was hilarious!!!!!! Great job at making my day!
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Apr. 23, 2012 at 11:19 pm
Thank you!  I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Regia said...
Mar. 13, 2012 at 10:48 am
Haha, so humourous and convincing! Such a delightful touch of reality and protectiveness even through the laughter-invoking language and general story outline. Thank you for writing!
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Mar. 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Thank you for taking the time to comment!
Surobhi_Moitrayee said...
Feb. 29, 2012 at 4:18 am
really very nice :) i really liked it i also liked your book reviews...please try the revies writen by me :D
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Feb. 29, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Thanks for commenting! :)
Lillie M. said...
Feb. 13, 2012 at 2:12 am
So cute! I can completely relate this to my family xD
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Feb. 13, 2012 at 8:06 am
Thanks! :)
M.A.Author said...
Feb. 1, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Love it. It is one of those articles that it a complete treat to read. The only thing I have to say that is not 100% positive is: I was hoping to find out exactly WHY this family has so much security. I like it fine the way it is, I'm just curious.
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Feb. 1, 2012 at 10:07 pm
The family lives in a rural place where guns are common. And they're very protective of their youngest daughter. Anyway, thanks for commenting! :) I'm glad you enjoyed my story so much.
SarasotaWonder said...
Jan. 12, 2012 at 6:10 pm
Funny, unique, and spunky. I have to say I've loved every single one of your works!
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jan. 12, 2012 at 9:47 pm
Thanks so much! :) I'll get right on reading yours.
holyblondecheerleaderbatman said...
Jan. 8, 2012 at 6:53 pm
i really like it....
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jan. 9, 2012 at 6:13 pm
Thanks! :)
sany.lastflame said...
Jan. 8, 2012 at 6:05 pm
Wow! Ok this is seriously one of my favorite pieces of work I've read in a while. It is very humerious, yet true! Love it! I like the way you talk in this. Quirky yet seriousy. Like "Hahahahaha. Be scared. Be very scared." It's relatable too. What a great talent.
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jan. 8, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Thanks very much! I'm glad you liked it. :)
Zinaidia said...
Jan. 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm
This is so funny, yet it has a little bit of seriousness to it. Very interesting, I have not seen anything like it on this site. Very well written, and I like how you started with him pulling into the driveway, and making it into the house. I believe you cut it off a little quickly. You could have added how he meets you and finally your sister, and what to expect at the next visit and so forth. But maybe you were going for the short and simple approach. Overall, it was great.
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jan. 8, 2012 at 4:54 pm
I was going for the short and simple approach. Anyway, thanks for commenting! :)
IamtheshyStargirl said...
Dec. 31, 2011 at 11:51 am
Heh heh heh :) Very nice!
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Dec. 31, 2011 at 10:21 pm
Thank you!
Malsie8 said...
Dec. 23, 2011 at 7:31 pm
Wow! Definitely didn't expect something as humerous as this from you! It's great to see that you have a dynamic ground for writing! Really I have nothing bad to say about this piece, it was funny, entertaining and purly relatable!
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