A Letter to my Sister's Future Boyfriend

July 20, 2011
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For dating my dear little sister, you must be either a very special man or a complete creep who wants to take advantage of her. If you are her first boyfriend, then I suspect it is the latter. All you have to do to disprove my theory is visit our family! If my sister has conned you into deciding to meet us, then you are either very brave or very stupid. Again, I suspect it is the latter.

Anyway, I guess you should know what to expect.

As soon as your vehicle pulls into our driveway, you will be watched. If you are even mildly aware of your surroundings, you will see three short, dark-skinned men in military gear. These are three of the seasonal Filipino workers we employ on our apiary. One of them will be armed with a pellet gun and another will be armed with my dad’s bear hunting rifle. The last one doesn’t need a gun; he’s a bull wrestler. While these three men are dangerous, they aren’t the ones you need to worry about.

At our front door you will be greeted by dad and his double-barrel shotgun. One barrel is filled with rock salt and bacon rind while the other has an actual shell. This is a warning as to what will happen if you break her heart. Still, dad is not the one you should be the most afraid of.

No, the person you should fear most is my mother. She has the aura of a military general and the ruthless streak of a Mafia boss. It is a rare young man that is not intimidated by her. Personally, I don’t think you are one of these rare men.

But if you love my little sister despite her psychotic family, you do indeed deserve her love. If you stick around long enough to marry her, then maybe I can accept you as my brother-in-law. Maybe.

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emmernemmer said...
May 28, 2013 at 3:09 pm
I love this story! I don't have a little sister but I have a little brother and I KNOW I'll have to talk to him someday on not being an idiot with girls/not to take advantage of them. I can just see him running home one day and explaining that he just got chased out of someone's house by a dad with a shotgun. I love my brother but he really needs that to happen to him. Love it!
CarrieAnn13 replied...
May 30, 2013 at 1:30 am
Honestly, I think that's a conversation every girl should be required to have with her brother: treat girls with respect.  You're an awesome big sister. :)  Thanks for commenting!
sadhya said...
May 24, 2013 at 4:08 am
a different one indeed nice!
CarrieAnn13 replied...
May 30, 2013 at 1:29 am
Thank you! :)
ItsMyLife said...
May 18, 2013 at 7:48 pm
I love this story sooooooo much! I don't have a little sister, but I have a friend that's younger than me. If she ever told me she had I boyfriend, I'd definately do the same thing! Keep up the awesome romantically humourous work!
CarrieAnn13 replied...
May 20, 2013 at 9:23 pm
I'm glad you liked it!  Thanks so much for commenting! :)
hannaj15 said...
May 9, 2013 at 9:36 am
I really like this letter. It is well written and simple. It is truthful. My only criticism is that this is not fiction. Since it  is for your sister's future boyfriend, he is real. Even if he doesn't read it, it is still true. Despite this, I love it!
CarrieAnn13 replied...
May 20, 2013 at 9:22 pm
Hanna, it's fiction because it won't happen.  It's complete hyperbole.  Anyway, thank you for taking the time to comment.
sarah98 said...
May 8, 2013 at 6:59 pm
sounds sooooo much like something i would do for my baby sis..and the family sounds pretty familiar too
CarrieAnn13 replied...
May 9, 2013 at 1:26 am
Thanks!  And although I may not be the motherly type, no one had better mess with my little sister.
yourlove-mywings said...
May 8, 2013 at 12:00 pm
this was a great story!!! i loved it!! I would totally write something similar to my sisters boyfriend!! ooh... young 8th graders... watch out!!! lol!! i loved it!!!
CarrieAnn13 replied...
May 9, 2013 at 1:26 am
Thanks!  I'm glad you liked it. :)
Miniterror said...
Feb. 26, 2013 at 2:17 pm
Dang! That's a crazy family. I enjoyed it.
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Mar. 10, 2013 at 7:46 pm
Thank you! :)
Ghalo1337 said...
Jan. 4, 2013 at 7:35 pm
I can imagine this with my own sister, I love your stories keep on writing
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:24 pm
Thanks!  But I'm done writing on Teen Ink for the foreseeable future.
LiveLaughLoveWriter said...
May 17, 2012 at 8:09 am

This was amazing! It was soo funny:)

keep on writing:)

CarrieAnn13 replied...
May 18, 2012 at 3:00 pm
Thanks!  I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Boota replied...
Sept. 15, 2012 at 2:16 pm
i love this it vaguely reminds me of my family.
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Sept. 16, 2012 at 3:51 am
That's good!  I was trying to make the letter somewhat relatable.
Taconut7 said...
Apr. 21, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Haha! That was hilarious!!!!!! Great job at making my day!
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