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A Letter to my Sister's Future Boyfriend

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Greetings!


For dating my dear little sister, you must be either a very special man or a complete creep who wants to take advantage of her. If you are her first boyfriend, then I suspect it is the latter. All you have to do to disprove my theory is visit our family! If my sister has conned you into deciding to meet us, then you are either very brave or very stupid. Again, I suspect it is the latter.


Anyway, I guess you should know what to expect.


As soon as your vehicle pulls into our driveway, you will be watched. If you are even mildly aware of your surroundings, you will see three short, dark-skinned men in military gear. These are three of the seasonal Filipino workers we employ on our apiary. One of them will be armed with a pellet gun and another will be armed with my dad’s bear hunting rifle. The last one doesn’t need a gun; he’s a bull wrestler. While these three men are dangerous, they aren’t the ones you need to worry about.


At our front door you will be greeted by dad and his double-barrel shotgun. One barrel is filled with rock salt and bacon rind while the other has an actual shell. This is a warning as to what will happen if you break her heart. Still, dad is not the one you should be the most afraid of.


No, the person you should fear most is my mother. She has the aura of a military general and the ruthless streak of a Mafia boss. It is a rare young man that is not intimidated by her. Personally, I don’t think you are one of these rare men.


But if you love my little sister despite her psychotic family, you do indeed deserve her love. If you stick around long enough to marry her, then maybe I can accept you as my brother-in-law. Maybe.



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This article has 232 comments. Post your own!

DaylightDarkness said...
Jul. 23, 2011 at 11:21 am:
LOL!!! Very Nice!
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 23, 2011 at 7:33 pm :
Thank you! :)
 
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Kailey4 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 23, 2011 at 9:03 am:
HAAHHA!! Very nicee:)
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 23, 2011 at 10:24 am :
Thank you! :)
 
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sophietle This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 22, 2011 at 11:49 pm:

Lol! This gave me a much-needed laugh. I love the snarky narrator, and your flow of ideas is very nice. 

Just one thing: the narrator never mentions what part he/she plays in the intimidation of the boyfriend. Since he/she has such a low opinion of theoretical boyfriend, it would be interesting to hear about how he/she would go about testing the boyfriend's mettle. Unless, of course, you prefer to leave that to our imaginations...? (tries to hold back flood of mental images)

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CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 22, 2011 at 11:52 pm :
The snarky narrator is me, sophietle!  And I wanted to leave it to the readers' imaginations as to what I will if he breaks my sister's heart.  Trust me, it won't be pleasant *holds back maniacal laughter* ;)
 
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Kailey4 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 22, 2011 at 7:53 pm:
Thats really nice and easy t imagine!! Are you really going to give that to your sister's boyfriend?:)
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 22, 2011 at 8:02 pm :
Of course not!  I'll tell him; that way I can be sure he understands! ;)  Thanks for commenting.
 
HelloYouGoodbyeMe replied...
Jul. 25, 2011 at 7:20 pm :
haha this is very amusing!! It is like something I would do to my future sisters boyfriend. Its funny and very creative. good job!
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Jul. 25, 2011 at 7:21 pm :
Thank you!  I'm glad you like it. :)
 
born2bewriting replied...
Jul. 31, 2011 at 1:21 pm :
Hi! Okay, I really loved this piece. It's very funny, but in my family it's entirely true. I think if you went a little further with why you should fear the mother more would make a great ending :) Still, great work! And I would suggest reading this to your sister's future boyfriend someday.
 
Emma-Riley replied...
Aug. 2, 2011 at 8:02 pm :
ok that is HILLARIOUS (i hope thats what ur going 4...) i luved it and can kinda relate cuz my dad is kinda that way 2.
 
CarrieAnn13 replied...
Aug. 2, 2011 at 8:03 pm :
Thank you!  Yes, I was going for 'hilarious'.  As well as 'threatening.' :)
 
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