Lost Love Not Worth My Life

July 4, 2011
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My heart aches, probably from the all the pills I’d take
So I close my eyes, as my lips start to tremble.
As I think about you,
I hear a loud constant pounding.
I start to remember the times we spent together,
and how we said “I’ll love you forever & ever after.”
I start to think about our laughter.
I start to think about your face.
Your brown eyes, and your precious smile,
& How now all of that is separated by miles.
I start to think about the times you fell asleep in my arms and your beautiful voice & all of your charms.
I start to think about the way your touch gave me chills up and down my spine, that was all when you were mine. & That tear rolls down, the pounding gets louder. I start to remember all of the overwhelming feelings you gave me & such, and how I wished you knew I loved you this much. I’m crying loudly now,& As I fall to my knees I softly whisper “I’ll love you, forever and ever after”
The pounding stops, and I wake up to his laughter.
I open my eyes, and as I look up he’s smiling at me,
“You must’ve had a bad dream, but your okay I’m right here.”
I look at him with confusion.
He kisses me lightly on the cheek, and says
“ You were crying and saying please come back, I love you I can’t do this without you.”
I smile up at him as I’m laying in his arms.
He looks right into my eyes and says
“ Just know I love you, and I‘m coming, I promise you I‘m on my way, just don’t give up, please just don’t give up.” His voice is slowly fading. I close my eyes, it get darks.
I start to hear a gradual steady pounding. I open my eyes and there I am, in a hospital. I panic, and run out to the hall. I see my mom and she runs to hug me. She tells me how happy she is I’m alive and tells me she has good news for me. She hands me my phone, and as I read my messages, its him.
I didn’t care to read the messages, I call him. Ring, ring, ring, and finally, the voice I fell in love with answers.
I try to make words, but it just came out trembles.
He says to me, “Your mom told me what happened, I was on my way there when she called. Are you okay?, I’m so happy your alive, I miss you so much.” I make out the words “ yes I’m okay, and I miss you too”
He tells me to get home because he has a surprise for me. I hurry out of the hospital and go home. As I pull up to my house, everything appears to be normal. I open the front door nervously shaking. I open the door and he’s standing right in front of me. He hurrys to hug me and kisses my cheek. And before I even manage to make out words to speak as I silently cry, he gets down on his knee and says “ Will you marry me?, You’re the one for me I love you with all of my heart. The day I moved was the worst day of my life, I thought about you everyday that’s why I want to make you my wife. I don’t want to live another day without you. I want you and only you, I love you.” I pull him up off from the ground with a confused look on my face. I wipe my tears and look right into his eyes. “No.” He gets a sad look on his face and trembles
“b-b-b-u-t.” I tell him to not say anything. He starts to silently cry as I speak.

“I loved you so much, and you wanted nothing to do with me once you had people. I was there for you when you had no one, when you were sad and lonely. I gave you my everything. I thought about you everyday, I cried over you for months. I messaged you everyday, and never got a reply, and when I finally did get a reply you’d just talk about other girls. You told me lies, and I believed them. You told me you’d always be there for me, where have you been for the past damn months of my life? And the last time I talked to you it was about how I wanted to die and was ready to give up, the week after that I texted you, and guess what? NOTHING. And do you remember when you had a girl friend and texted me telling me all this sweet bull sh-t.
Then a week later you say you never want anything to do with me? Do you remember that, because that’s the only things that’s been in my mind for months. I love you, but I’m a changed person now, and not even you can save me, because you betrayed me, so goodbye.” I turn around and walk out of my house. I get into my car crying and drive into the middle of no where.
I take the rest of my pills and start walking to the light of the sun. As I walk I think about how much I’ve grown, I fall to my knee’s.
I look up into the sky then close my eyes.
I whisper “please forgive me, please guide me, I want to be better, I’m sorry.”
I open my eyes, and I’m back in my room.
I look in my mirror and smile.
I quietly say to myself,
“He’s not worth it.”

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