Savior

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I am drowning; the sea is churning and rescue is nowhere in sight, but a ship lies just over the horizon, battling the gargantuan waves, riding them as they crash into its hull with their pounding, nautical power. A glimmer of hope shines upon my mind as I see her navigating the brewing storm as a child would his toy boat in the bathtub, breaking the waves avoiding the most imminent dangers. I lose sight of my savior as the waves bob me up and down like a buoy, lurching me back and forth like a rag doll, but I can see that she is headed my way, full speed ahead through the heart of the storm. I'm swallowing water, now, gulping it down against my will like a toddler being force fed his Gerber Baby Food, and, like the child, I am kicking and screaming with all of my might, hoping that she sees me, she notices me, she saves me from this horrible, unescapable fate. The boat is drawing closer now, and I can tell the crew has spotted me by their gait as they run across the deck, scrambling to position for my treacherous rescue. She is pulling up next to me and I can see the captain, a young woman, no older than I, who is screaming commands at her subserviant crew, barking orders left and right, desperatley trying to save my life. She is blonde, her hair, the same color as mine, is in a pony tail; her eyes, brown, large, and round lock onto mine at the same instant that I gaze up at her, and we connect, a moment of mamihapinatapai, the moment of a speechless aurora in which the two affected parties experience natural chemistry, but neither one has the ability to speak to the other. This moment seems like a lifetime, as we gaze into eachother's souls, but, while she is distracted by this eternity of a glance, a monstorous wave slams into the starboard side of the boat, sending it flailing back and forth on the verge of capsizing. I can see her begin to pull away as she takes on tremondous amounts of water, and the boat begins to sink. I do my best to swim over to her, helplessly searching for this woman whom I have fallen in love with, and, after what seems like hours of swimming, I find her floating on a piece of wreckage. I grasp her hand and look into those beautiful eyes and feel a happiness that nothing in this world has ever made me experience before. Floating on this piece of wreckage, I found the thing I have been looking for all my life. I may be freezing; I may be tired; I may be about to die, but I am complete. We float together to the bottom of the sea, lost in eachother's eyes until the last moments of consiousness, holding one another with a passion that cannot be explained with conventional language. Although death overtakes both of us, we share this final moment together, and to me, this is all that matters, because this moment is an eternity. As if I were stuck in limbo, I will never leave this second, nor do I ever want to because in this time, we will be together forever, and I would have it no other way...





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Medina D. said...
Jul. 18, 2011 at 12:56 pm

In a way, this story reminds me of the classic "the old man and the sea"

And the ending reminds me of "titanic"

The only criticism i have is that i personally think it might be too short and fast, so it didnt spur me too much. 

 
musicispassion said...
Jun. 28, 2011 at 1:33 am
this was amazing u had great decription i felt like i was watching from above as this was going on question what does mamihapinatapai mean u use big words don't want to sound stupid again
 
CarrieAnn13 said...
Jun. 26, 2011 at 10:51 pm

This is great, Finchy!  It has beautiful imagery and a great plot for a short story.  But I have a little bit of criticism:

'eachother' should be 'each other', it is not a compound word.  There are a few run-on sentences here too.  I know it fits with your theme, but not all of your sentences need to be so long.  People are lazy and prefer shorter sentences.  That's just something to think about. 

And it's not 'desperatley', it's 'desperately'.... (more »)

 
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