The Battle for Eastern Europe

May 16, 2011
It is a glorious day in Slovenia. There is only fifteen feet of snow and only thirty-seven cases of depression were diagnosed today. This is because soon there will be a great big celebration in the motherland. It is about to be Slovenian Independence Day, and that meant a great celebration in Mexico City, Slovenia, the capital. People would rejoice in the streets and send their kids out to get vodka, which comes with a Slovenian happy meal from the nearest McDonalds. On this day, it seems that the spirit of Slovenia is invincible. However, all is not well in Slovenia. For Slovenia’s arc nemesis Slovakia was plotting something big.

On the same day as Slovenian Independence Day, Slovakia celebrates their end of winter feast. Winter in Slovakia last from January first until January first of next year. Slovenia and Slovakia each tried to get the President of Calendars to be the key note speaker at their respected celebrations, but the President of Calendars chose to speak in Slovenia, since Slovenia’s currency of bear heads and badger pellets was worth more than Slovakia’s currency of new wives and depression. Slovakia was jealous that Slovenia could get the President of calendars to speak at their celebration, when all Slovakia could get was a lousy Bill Cosby impersonator. This was unacceptable in Slovakia, and a threat of war between the two countries dawned.

It is 10:45 AM on Slovenian Independence Day, and the President of calendars is about to speak. The President of Slovenia, Borskakolv Abcdefghijklmnoponov, had just finished introducing the honorable President of calendars. The President of calendars began to step to the podium, where he would deliver a speech that would change lives. As soon as he reached the podium, a bullet went right through his chest. The crowed panicked and screamed as the President of calendars fell to the ground in agonizing pain. The President was swiftly rushed to the nearest Slovenian hospital, which was shared with a Slovenian Burger King. The doctors hooked up the President of calendars to an I.V. of pure vodka. Such a remedy would cure any Slovenian man within minutes, but unfortunately, the President of calendars was from Azerbaijan and passed away at 11:17 PM.

Shortly after the shooting, a man named Borskakolv Alphabetanov was arrested. With a last name like Alphabetanov, it was clear that he was Slovakian. The Slovenian military interrogated him over the shooting for a long duration of time, but Alphabetanov remained quiet. Although the Slovenians did not speak Slovakian, they knew that the Slovakian government had something to do with this shooting, and this meant that the first shots of the Mexican-American war between Slovakia and Slovenia were fired.

Slovenia started to mobilize their troops the next day. The Slovenian army was not one to mess with. It was customary that every child at the age of seven would go out on a test of manhood. The child was give three matches, a pack of cigarettes, and only enough vodka to last for twenty minutes (three gallons worth). The child had to come back and must have killed a bear with his bare hands and bring back the head. If the child did this, then he became a man. Naturally, everyone managed to pass a test this easy for a Slovenia. However, the Slovakian army was a force not to be reckoned with either. In Slovakia, children at the age of seven must wrestle a wolverine to death and rip out its heart with their bare hands in order to become a man. This war could potentially be the bloodiest war in the history of ever.

It has been three days since the President of Calendars was shot. The Slovakian army began to mobilize their troops shortly after they heard of their success. The Generals were hard at work planning an attack on Slovenia, lead by High General Metvisch McSlovakiacov.
“We are lucky that the bullet hit the President of Calendars.” Said High General McSlovakiacov. “We only had enough money in the budget to buy one bullet.”
Tension grew in the war room. The leaders all knew something had to be done about their weak economy in order to fight a war with Slovenia. They consulted the best economist in all of Slovakia for advice, Vasily Poopatrov. Poopatrov was a nine year old man who could count higher than anyone else in Slovakia, for he was once an exchange student in Haiti, where education is much better. Poopatrov had some bright ideas to offer to the table, but everyone in the war room wondered: would they be plausible?
“We need to place a tariff on goat milk, since in Slovakia we grow the finest goat milk in the entire world.” Said Poopatrov. “The only reason people do not buy out goat milk is because they are scared of the massive amounts of lead traces in it, when all Slovakian studies have shown that lead prevents outbreaks of being a little girl.”
The generals knew that Poopatrov was right, and sent a messenger to the president of Slovakia’s approval to impose a tariff on goat milk. The messenger got on the most expensive and finest donkey the Slovakian government could afford, since they were too poor to purchase telephones. The donkey was off at the swift pace of three miles an hour and would arrive at the president’s desk in a little over an hour. Though only ten years old and lacking the ability read, the President of Slovakia was a wise man. His name was Katie Lanmessercov, and once he received the letter and had his thirty-five year old wife read it to him, his face turned pale. He knew what he had to do and approved of the tariff the next day.

It was been four days since the tragic event in Slovenia took place. Everybody in the world tuned in to their television non-stop to see how Slovenia would retaliate. At 3 PM on April 22, Slovenia attacked. Slovenia sent their heavy cavalry to attack Slovakia. The heavy cavalry was Slovenia greatest weapon. It consisted of twenty-two members riding bicycles, armed with pistols from the 17th century. Slovenia’s technology was far superior to Slovakia’s. It only takes Slovakia four minutes to reload their pistol after a single shot, where as it took Slovakia half an hour to reload a gun, if they were lucky enough to have more than one bullet. At least three people where hit by Slovenian pistols. The bullets naturally just glanced right off, but it did cause the Slovakian victims to experience a little bit of pain. This day would go down in history as the most tragic event in Slovakian history. All of the world watched the event in horror and now realized that this war would be even worse than they imagined.

The following morning, the UN Security Council called an emergency meeting. Almost every single nation was represented and debate got underway immediately. Unfortunately, instead of working together to produce a resolution, every single country chose a side. Support for Slovakia and Slovenia was divided up evenly and this meant that World War III had begun. In the United States, bills were presented all over congress to declare war on Slovakia, but as usual, the congressmen of opposing parties just questioned each other’s patriotism and filibustered about how USA is going to become a Secular Atheist Islamic State if we don’t pray hard enough, so nothing got done. Mexico tried to pass a bill to enter the war on the side of Slovenia as well, but 100% of the Mexican population had already illegally immigrated into the United States, so that bill did not pass either. Russia was preoccupied with being too cool to get involved. China was to busy beating the USA at everything. Ethiopia’s currency of famine was making a comeback in the world economy, but they were still far from having enough money to go to war. Also the entire nation of Denmark called in sick, so they were not able to support either side. Similar thing’s happened to every other country around the world except for one. The only nation that offered assistance was Canada, but neither side wanted Canada’s help (no one wants to receive help from Canada; not even Canada wants to be Canada). It became apparent that this was a war that would be fought only between Slovenia and Slovakia, making this affair personal.

It has been five weeks since Slovenia and Slovakia have gone to war and the casualties were great on each side. Slovenia had five bottles of unopened vodka shattered, making it the worst tragedy in Slovenian history. The act of shattering unopened vodka bottles was in clear violation of the Geneva Convention. Due to that heinous act, the war would be taken to the next level. Slovakia was devastated from the Slovenian army sending every Slovenian citizen a letter saying “You are a huge jerk and need to get a life.” For the first time in history it was not a glorious day on either side.

It has now been two months since the start of the war. Both sides knew that they had to end the war soon, because at the start of this war, they only had enough supplies to last thirty minutes. Each side needed a hero. Luckily, a hero emerged in Slovenian. High General Durska Covanov devised a battle plan that was fool proof. The president of Slovakia was in hiding since the second week of the war, and all the Slovenians had to do was capture him in order to end the war. He was impossible to find until now. Everyone knows that he would never be without his fire flavored vodka. All Slovenia had to do was follow the stench of the finest vodka in all of Slovakia to Katie Lanmessercov’s Kremlin. Durska Covanov invaded Slovakia personally.

Monday, April 11, 2014. Durska Covanov sets out on his journey, and already the stench of Lanmessercov’s vodka was strong. Covanov followed the stench to a town called “Herpderpgrad,” which literarily translates to “city where chairs are occurring.” Covanov wondered the town until he came to a strange site and smell. There was a thirty foot statue of Sanchezavichnov, the national hero of Slovakia. Sanchezavichnov was a goat famous for winning three and a half national goat racing competitions, and was highly revered among the Mexican-Slovenian community. Surely Katie Lanmessercov would be hiding there. Covanov, armed with only the fighting power of laughter and a rubber band, kicked down the door and stormed right in underneath the statue. Covanov proceeded to follow the stench of the finest vodka in Slovakia, but was stopped by a chilling and malicious voice
“Halt,” cried the mysterious voice, “You will not go any further!” Suddenly the most feared man in all of Slovenia appeared before Covanov’s eyes; it was Hamsterman, one of the most evil and feared super villains in Eastern Europe. He wore a hamster suit that he made in his mom’s basement, also known as the hamster lair, where he resided. He had the power to do anything a hamster could do and would prove to be a very difficult foe for Covanov.
“You shall not pass me unless you can defeat me in battle,” said Hamsterman, “You must name your duel and we shall then engage in combat.”Covanov thought hard about Hamsterman’s weakness, but it was apparent that he had none.
“Very well,” Replied Covanov, “We shall engage in a game of ‘go fish’... to the death!” Hamsterman let out an evil laugh and ready himself in the “go fish” battle position.
“I agree to your terms; however, if I win, I want to take your wife. And if you win, I shall grant you some of my powers.” Said Hamsterman. Covanov was confused as to which wife Hamsterman wanted, for Covanov had fifteen wives all under the age of fourteen, but he agreed to the terms anyways.
“There is however one small problem,” said Covanov, “I do not have a deck of cards on hand.”
“Nor do I,” snarled Hamsterman. “It seems that I must go to the store and purchase a deck of cards, and I shall buy the finest deck of cards that four billion what ever currency we use can buy.” Four billion new wives and depression was the equivalent of .00000001 US dollars. “Stay here until I return from the store.” Said Hamsterman. Hamsterman got into his giant hamster ball and rolled off to the store, leaving an open path for Covanov. Covanov took advantage of this and ran as fast as he could to the stench of the finest vodka in all of Slovakia. Eventually he came to a door. There was a sign on the door that said “This is not where Katie Lanmessercov is hiding.” Covanov knew this was a trick. He quickly ran to entrance, kicked the door down and marched right in. It was to his horror to see that the sign was honest. Katie Lanmessercov was not there. Instead it was Covanov’s arch nemesis: Commander Communism. Commander Communism was an evil man with the power to practice Communism better than anyone else. The two warriors stared at each other for a brief moment and then Commander Communism let out a shrill laugh.
“We meet again Covanov,” said Commander Communism. “You may have gotten away last time, but this time I shall kill you and then share your possession equally with everyone else.”
Commander Communism then quickly attacked with his fourth strongest attack: the punch of 1000 fist. Covanov tried to dodge, but was hit dead center in the chest.
“Ouch, that kind of hurt a little bit,” said Covanov. “I do not have time for your silly games Commander Communism; I shall end this using the powers of friendship and karate!” an epic battle then began to take place between Commander Communism and Covanov. Each one of them came at each other like graceful wild animals, using attack after attack. It seemed like there would be no clear winner, until Covanov pulled his strongest attack: the laser snake, and defeated Commander Communism.

Covanov roamed the halls of Lanmessercov’s citadel until he came to a room that said “Hey ya’ll I’m actually really here this time – Katie Lanmessercov” Covanov took his with this door and went through it to find Katie Lanmessercov sitting on his throne of evil.
“Hey ya’ll I didn’t invite nobody like this, who are you,” said a confused Katie Lanmessercov.
“I am Durska Hajklsfhelaukhcklavich Covanov of Slovenian, and I have come here to end your evil ways,” cried Covanov.
“Oh yeah I figured that my sings would trick you using reverse psychologicals,” said Lanmessercov.
“Um, sir it’s actually reverse psychologies,” said Katie Lanmessercov’s only guard.
Lanmessercov then pulled out a bow and arrow and shot his guard right in the chest, killing him on impact.
“Well that will learn you to be so un-smart, It’s common knowing about reverse pscyhologicals. What an idiot,” said Katie Lanmessercov. “Now then I think it’s time we fought to the death Covanov”
Before Katie Lanmessercov could do anything Covanov had already shot his rubber band at Lanmessercov.
“Ouch,” Lanmessercov said. “That kind of hurt. You are a big jerk and now you shall see my true form.” Suddenly Lanmessercov’s exploded and a large amount of smoke appeared. After it cleared the true identity of Lanmessercov was revealed. It was the most evil super villain in the world: Captain Pirate.
“Captain Pirate! I should have known you were behind this,” said Covanov.
“Now that you know my true identity, I must go back to the national Slovakian military base and resume rule there. HAHAHAHA,” Lanmessercov then got on his evil pirate ship, which he hid by writing “This is not Captain Pirate’s evil ship.” Captain Pirate got away, and Covanov knew that one day he would finally end this war but fighting Capitan pirate once more.

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Erecura said...
Oct. 16, 2011 at 3:31 pm
I liked the writing, howerver your portrayal of slovakia was innacureate. i used to live there, but i know this was fiction so it was fine.
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