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Sorry I Lied
Of all the girls in the entire school, he had to pick her. Did he know it would kill me just to see it? Was he really doing this all on purpose to hurt me?
It couldn’t be true. I just wanted to get away from anything and everything that reminded me of him. I hated him! Despite his imperfect perfection, despite the way that he would whisper my name and cuddle me close, despite my ardent adoration for him, I was now to determined to forget that - all of it. I couldn’t last another minute like this.
I hated him. I hated the way he had used me. I hated the way I had believed his lies and his charming smile.
But more than anything else, I hated her...the girl.
Alyssa Harrington was her name. She had been my best friend through middle school until she suddenly began to hate me during our freshman year. Everyone already knew that she was far prettier than me and more popular, but to this day I do not know what really made us split apart.
Maybe it was his fault. Even back then, I had him wrapped around my finger and she knew it. Maybe she was already planning for this day, the day when she would heave everything precious away from me and tear my dreams in two.
But now things were different.
Tears blinded me as I ran down the dark street in an attempt to get as far away from them as possible. I felt a gnawing anxiety inside my stomach as I ran; there was a stitch in my side but I didn’t pause to catch my breath. Hot tears burned my flushed cheeks. Why hadn’t I prepared myself for this? It was bound to happen.
But how could I have prepared myself for being abandoned? The boy who had once brought butterflies into my stomach, given me the feeling that my heart had skipped a beat, had left me…probably for good. I used to feel utterly helpless whenever he looked my way. Now, I felt utterly hopeless.
I had fallen yet again.
At last, sweating, flustered and fatigued, I crashed into my living room, flung myself on the sofa and buried my face in the pillows where no one heard me scream. No matter how hard I tried to forget, images of what I had just seen replayed in my mind, over and over again, reminding me of the worst moment I had ever experienced in my life.
How could I ever forgive him? How could anyone even ask that of me? My heart screamed out in agony at the betrayal I felt now, both from my old best friend and the only person who had ever meant anything substantial to me. I was surrounded by “what if’s” and “what could have been’s” that hurt to even think about. I was enveloped by my sorrow, dying hatred, abhorrence and I wanted to just wallow in my own self-pity.
“She’s such a wh…” I paused, the word I was looking for lingering on the tip of my tongue. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. “I guess they deserve each other!”
There was no word wicked enough for what he’d done to me. No name terrible enough for what he now was.
“A cheater,” I whispered, though no one heard. “A cheater!” I repeated louder, finding pleasure in screaming out my vexation.
I never wanted to see him again - ever. The sight of Alyssa in his arms, his fingers running through her dark brown curls was sickening and yet was trapped in my mind’s eye. The same hands that I saw cup her chin and stroke her cheek had done the same to me just this morning and whispered the coveted words of, “I love you.”
But he hadn’t really meant it. I guess he never did.
I have no earthly idea how long I sat there that night, waiting...waiting for something - anything. I don’t even know what I was waiting for. Part of me longed to see him, hoped that maybe, just maybe, I had been wrong and jumped to conclusions too quickly. But inside, I knew that it was all too true.
Suddenly, there was a slight tap on the front door.
Cautious and yet curious, I stood up and wiped my eyes. I could feel the mascara running down my face and knew that I probably looked atrocious - but at the moment I didn’t care.
When I opened the door, I caught my breath.
It was him.
We stood there for what felt like hours just staring at each other. There was a pathetic look in his endlessly deep brown eyes, the eyes that had won me over so many times in the past. I hoped he would speak first because I didn’t know what to say - but he apparently felt the same.
“How could you do that to me?” I said at last, my voice coming out in a croaking whisper. “I trusted you.”
“Sam, I-” he began, but his voice trailed off. “I’m sorry,” he said at last. “It isn’t what you think.”
“It isn’t?” I asked, stepping out on the porch next to him and closing the door behind me. “Alright, enlighten me. What is it, then?”
He shrugged his shoulders. I could tell he was lying.
“We’re just good friends. That’s all,” he said not very convincingly.
“Oh, so you just kiss every girl you’re good friends with?” I demanded, stepping closer. It took every fiber of my being to keep from slapping him then and there and I even felt my hand twitch at the thought.
“Sam…” he whispered giving me that smile that always made my heart melt like butter on warm bread. “It’s not like that.”
Tears began to well up in my eyes again.
His features were outlined even more drastically in the dim glow of the porch lamp. His face appeared more mature than I had remembered, with a dark look etched into his breathtakingly handsome features that seemed understanding and yet mysterious at the same time.
With one hand behind my neck, he stepped even closer like he had for the first time so many months ago. I knew what was going to happen next - and I don’t know why I didn’t stop it.
His mouth took mine.
I couldn’t believe that I had been so stupid to let him get the best of me again. But I felt myself kiss him back. At the feel of his warm lips on mine, I hated myself through and through and, most of all, I hated and loved him at the same time.
At last I came to my senses.
“Stop,” I said, stepping away from him in disgust. I could just picture Alyssa Harrington standing right where I had been, getting the same gorgeous smile and penetrating gaze. “Don’t you touch me again.”
I’d had it. This was enough. No more of these games. No more of using me just for fun and pleasure - he could have Alyssa for that.
No. I was done.
“Get away from me,” I said. “I never want to see you again! You went behind my back and cheated on me with Alyssa. How could you even do that to me?!”
He didn’t respond for several minutes. I knew that I had won.
“Sam,” he said at last, stepping away from me. “I’m sorry I lied.”
“No you’re not,” I replied. I turned to leave, opening the door just a crack. Expecting him to say something, I hesitated, but only slightly. When he didn’t speak up, I just came back and said: “I can’t believe I ever kissed you. I can’t believe I actually listened to you.”
The effect of my words seemed to hurt him and I found smug satisfaction in this.
“I hope you can someday forgive me, Sam. I should have told you,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets.
But I knew that was never possible. Fed up at last, I shoved the door in his face and returned to my quiet place of comfort where I could sit and brood to myself. I knew that I would never get over this, never be able to look at him the same way again. Because even if I did find it deep, deep inside of me to perhaps forgive him...inside, my heart would never forget.