March 20, 2011
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I know we were meant to be together ever since the first time i saw him. I'm pretty sure he knew it to. Of course if he didn't know that we were meant for each other we wouldn't be standing in his room making out. i heard him whisper in my ear "i love you Ivy" i smile and whisper back "i love you too Cam". i felt his lips trail over my collar bone alone my jawline and finally back to my lips. We fell back into his bed and i felt his hands go up my shirt and my hands went under his shirt feeling his muscular body. i let out a pleasureful moan. then the door to his room opens and there in the doorway is my younger sister Anna. I knew by the look on her face that she was gonna tell mom what i had been doing. "Anna what the heck are you doing here" it was a dumb question because i already knew my mom had sent her to spy on me. "i.. i... ummmm mom told me to come find you" she sounded embarrassed. I peeled myself off of Cam which was not easy since he still was holding me to him. "Ivy im gonna go now I'll tell mom your busy" she said her face was red. She walked out of the room and i already knew what was gonna happen... As soon as i pulled away from Cam which was pretty hard since we were tangled together. i walked out of his room and followed Anna out to her car we drove home in silence. "Are you gonna tell mom what i was doing?" i mumbled she looked over at me quickly and scowled "of course im gonna tell mom ARE YOU CRAZY WHY WOULDN'T I TELL HER!" she yelled "you know your not suppose to be with HIM" she yelled again "don't tell her come on Anna you know what will happen if you tell" i said i felt like i was six inches tall i knew mom would lock me up in my room and forbid me to see Cam again i wasn't gonna let that happen. i heard my phone ring it was Cam i answered. "hello" i said "Are you OK? im sorry for getting you in trouble" he said in a voice like silk "its fine your worth the trouble" i said "Ivy i love you is there anything i can do to get you out of trouble?" "i don't know probably not though" i said sadly "well if you find out anything tell me OK" "will do" "sweet OK i got to go bye love you" "love you too bye" i hung up and some car hits us. My head slammed the back of my seat and i got knocked out. When i woke up i was in the hospital and my family and Cam were standing around my bed i sit up groggily. "who are you people?" i asked i truly didn't know anything that happened or who these people were.

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RunningFree said...
Dec. 3, 2011 at 9:02 pm
There are a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes, but those are easy to fix.  When you have a new person speak, you have to start a new paragraph.
At the beginning I could tell you felt some passion towards the story, but towards the end you kind of rushed to the conclusion.  I wasn't sure what was happening at times.  I also agree with RJ, if she can't remember who they are, she can't tell the story because she wouldn't remember the story.
Tbug1997 replied...
Dec. 7, 2011 at 5:58 pm
i think i wanna delete this what do u think
RunningFree replied...
Dec. 8, 2011 at 9:29 pm
Go ahead, I don't care :)
..RJ.. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Only problem I see is that you kept telling us who they were in HER perspective at the end when she can't remember who the are.

Otherwise, I love it. Great work. :)

livelifeforreal replied...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 11:34 pm
i agree. it is a beautiful story but it doesnt really make sence that she tells us who they are and then she no longer remembers
Tbug1997 replied...
Apr. 7, 2011 at 4:42 pm
hey i hate to be one of those people who write comments on their own work but can anyone give me any ideas/opinions on how to become a better writer
..RJ.. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 7, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Work on spacing, length, and always write what you know. If you are guessing throughout the story, it's not going to be as good as if you know what say, snow looks like if you're writing about that.

length- try short and long stories and see what works best for you.

Spacing- this all has to do with the mood of your story. if you want it slightly mysterious, more spaces(but the sentences all have to be good, and not just fragments) If you want it fast-paced and not much thinking ... (more »)

..RJ.. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 7, 2011 at 5:44 pm
I think you did most of that though. good job.
Laura B. said...
Mar. 22, 2011 at 3:38 pm
perfect u painted a pic for me to horrible.
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