An Unclear Sense Of Right And Wrong

March 10, 2011
By , jaipur, India
“He’s married.” My mind kept repeating over and over again, yet I just laughed at what he said. I didn’t want to, I wanted to walk away but my brain was no longer attached to my body. I was disgusted with myself. I had always been a good girl and I never did anything wrong. I never missed a curfew. I didn’t smoke or drink. My parents trusted me and I had never broken their trust.
My boyfriend trusted me as well and I loved him with all my heart but lately things had been crumbling and I couldn’t ignore my growing attraction for him, who I met a few days back at the gym.
I found him charming, funny and mature. But I know that I was just a kid to him. Yet he told me that he was attracted to me too, but I wondered about his intentions. After all what would a 26 year old man would want from a 19 year old girl????
We said goodbye and I walked home denying his offer for a ride because I didn’t trust myself around him, and sitting behind him on his bike holding him tightly was just way more intimate than talking to him.
I let myself inside the apartment unable to meet my roommate’s eyes; I got in the shower as the hot water poured on my head I soaped myself vigorously. I knew I was getting clean but somehow I still felt dirty. The guilt had coated me with a layer of grime and dirt.
I was just so ashamed with myself; still I couldn’t help but hurl myself out the door when he asked me to come down.
I caught my breath at his tall muscular form. He asked me to take a walk with him and I did. After a few minutes our hands brushed each others, and then he finally held my hand. My insides were on a war. The guilt was losing to the many tiny flowers of happiness which were blooming inside me.
I looked into his eyes and I felt like I was melting. As he lowered his gaze to my lips, I looked towards his too. I knew I should feel guilty but I couldn’t remember it,
Then he put his hand under my chin, lifted my face and slowly brought his lips down, brushed them against mine and lifted his head. He smiled at me. I don’t know what my face portrayed but once again we resumed walking as his thumb slowly traced circles on my hand.
He dropped me off but I didn’t let him come up as the short term happiness paved the way for reality.
I went to my room, stood in front of the mirror and stared at my reflection for a long time. My lips were still tingling with anticipation, my cheeks were faintly pink and I was feeling loved.
Then my eyes spied a picture of me and my boyfriend, smiling happily at each other and the guilt overtook my body and I broke down crying.

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