I know it's all there. I can see it, but why can't he? All the love, the passion, and the feelings. They didn't go anywhere, or disappear. We just simply pushed them down, deep down, inside of us trying to deal with the pain, the hurt, and the regret. Trying to avoid the tears, the fear, and the hatred. I know they are still there inside him. I can see it in the way he acts. I can see it in the way he looks at me differently than everyone else around him. How when he talks he tries to make himself sound sure of himself. Even I can see that he isn't sure. When we catch each others' eyes I can see the regrets that he has. I wonder if he can see the pain I hide, or the tears I fight back day by day? Does he hear the pain and quiver in my voice? Or the way I am different when he is around? Can he see I regret ever letting him walk away? I can tell when he hugs me that he doesn’t want to let go. I can see that he longs to kiss me again, and I often find myself wondering why he doesn't. Is he afraid to? Every time I see him I just want to scream, "I Love You!" as loud as I can. I never seem to have the strength nor do I have the courage to say anything. The feeling just drops back down to my feet where my heart sinks. I swallow my tears back and look down in hopes of gaining my courage. The courage fails me. So I continue to sit there in agonizing terror, longing to be his again. It is the shocking realization of reality that makes it all the more real and harder to be strong enough to say what I feel. At night I sit watching the stars thinking to myself, tomorrow I will have the strength. With the rising sun I awake to find the strength hasn’t come. I ask God, "Why don't I have the strength? Why are you choosing not to help me do this?" Every night there is no response. I feel alone, and very much helpless. It's like I am screaming for help in a room of people. Yet I am still not heard as if I am invisible, or not even here. My tears feel like fire as they run down my face. My hands seem powerless to wipe them away. So I simply let them fall feeling every burning tear. My heart beats faster and faster as it shatters into smaller pieces with every beat. I can feel my Guardian Angel by me along with my late grandfather. He looks at me with eyes so cold yet forgiving. Assuring me as my Guardian Angel wipes my tears smiling and looking at me with her beautiful eyes. I look at her trying to see someone like me, only to find a perfect, beautiful Angel looking back.
The Burning Heart
March 3, 2011