Pure as snow

You’re walking away again and I can’t help but wonder what you’re thinking. Sitting in your car, we seem so close. Singing along to songs on the radio, my off key voice contrasting with your baritone. The trees fly by so fast as we drive and I wish all my insecurities could do that. I’d love to send them out a window, watch them disappear into the background like the moon behind trees at night. Holding hands with you I feel complete, but it’s hard to erase all the moments you don’t speak to me. What would happen if I told you all my secrets, all the thoughts I’ve had about us? What would you say if I told you that sometimes I crave a different guy, a guy from my past. Maybe your eyes would get dark and the veins in your neck would stand out like they do when you’re mad. It’s not that I don’t love you, I merely miss you too much in the silences we seem to keep around us. How can you caress my skin so gently and then ignore me for hours? The contrast between the emotions is raw; it makes me ache like the time my dog died. Maybe that isn’t a fair comparison; you’re not a dog or dying. I don’t know what I would do if you were. Dying, that is. I know I’d miss you, but maybe I’d welcome the new freedom. Freedom from the heartache constantly in my soul.


“I love you,” you whisper while tucking a strand of my dyed hair behind my ear. Brown and blond strands mix together, reminding me of a time I wore my thoughts on my sleeve. I look back into your forest colored eyes, searching deep to see if you’re speaking the truth. Something passes through your eyes and I flinch inwardly. How often do you see me but think of her? I know you still love her, even in our most special moments you mention your memories of her. Maybe that’s what keeps my feet planted firmly on the ground. I can’t dance in the sky with your love holding me up because she’s always there, waiting to break what we’ve created. Falling is the hardest part of being in love. I wake up each day wondering if I’m about to fall. What happens when you decide you don’t need me anymore? Once you’re over her, will you toss me away like an old play toy?


Secrets are flying in the darkness around us as we stare at the stars. You say you can’t sleep because of everything you’ve seen. I know it’s not just the death of your friend that keeps you up; it’s the death of your past love that haunts you. I want to tell you that I won’t hurt you like she did, that I’m here for you. All you need to do is let me in. I can’t though; the words just won’t leave my mouth. So I lie here with my broken smile, wondering if you see the lone tear gliding down my cheek.


I’m sitting here in this cold room, watching the snow fall out the window. I wonder where you are, if you’re thinking about me. Why can’t our love be as pure as the snow coating the world outside my window? It’s undefiled, ready to take on whatever comes at it. Eventually it will melt, but it’s always ready to fall again the next year. I wish I still felt that way, that I could fall with no worries once again.





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