What Is With All The Undead?

February 23, 2011
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And so, after winter break, at a typical high school in Northern Virginia, the current obsession among teens could lead to this exchange.
Kaitlin and Josh are breaking up, right here on Senior Rail.
“Alright you want the truth.” Josh glared making his blond eyebrows grow together into an ugly worm.

“That’s all I have ever asked for,” Kaitlin replied.

“You are such a prude, spiteful, nagging…”

“Oh keep going, don’t let me stop you!”

“You know what, I’m done with you.” Josh shook his head and turned away, his shape moving away deeper into the crowd.

Kaitlin felt all eyes on her and she could barely contain myself. She wanted to hit something.
Instead, she turned to the nearest freshman and snapped.

“What are you staring at? Walk away you little twerp!” The veins in her neck bulged.

He looked like a cornered chipmunk as he skittered away. Freshmen!

She turned and glared at whomever was behind her before running to her locker.
She couldn’t handle French, not now, not ever.

“Wow Kaitlin, you blow up good.”

“It’s blow up well, Kenny.”

“Hey Kat, just calm down, it’s not the end of the world,” Kenny said as he leaned up against her locker door.

“Why…why…doesn’t he love me?” She tried to say in between sobs.

“Shhhh, shhhh, Kat it’s alright.”

“No, it isn’t. No one wants me!”

“Um, I bet there is someone out there who can handle you.”

“And do you happen to know who?” she asked, getting annoyed.

“The undead.”

“The undead! Kenny are you mentally sound? They are like dead!”

“No, really,” he said sarcastically. “But Kat, the undead are like in now. They are like the new skinny jeans.”

“So?”

“So an undead boyfriend would totally boost your popularity ratings.”

“They aren’t shoes Kenny. They could like kill you.”

“Yeah it’s like extreme dating.”

She tilted her head to the side and tried to picture herself with a vampire next to her and thought he did go well with her new grey uggs.

“Alright I’ll give it a shot.”

“Prefect, I’ll get the word out,” he smiled slyly.


Kaitlin Mcfee is looking for an undead boyfriend who enjoys walks in the moonlight, cold pizza, scary movies, and chocolate milkshakes.
She will be holding auditions on the auditorium’s stage on Tuesday, January 28 at 4:00
If your heart can’t beat, you should be there!


She tapped her pencil on her wrist as the hand on the clock clicked to 3:59. She was starting to regret having Kenny write up posters and paste them all over the school, and writing it on her wall. She really hated that he used her picture from Stacy’s Sweet Sixteen party. She looked like she was high and her nose looked big.

She sighed and glared at Kenny as he opened the doors and ran up onto the stage.

“Are you ready to get this show on the road?” He smiled wickedly.

“You are having way too much fun with this you know.”

“Yeah, I know but the Vamps have arrived.”

“Perfect.”

“Come on in boys!” Kenny yelled.

Five very pale, very hot, very dead boys walked up onto the stage with a look of hungry and boredom etched into their stone faces.

Kaitlin looked them up and down. None jumped up at her but she yawned and looked down at the roster.

“Darren? Are you here?” She asked the group.

“Here.” A cold voice whispered from the corner.

“Alright, you are first,” she said, not looking up to meet his red eyes.

He sat down in the chair across from her with his hands clasped.

“Sooo…” Kenny said looking Darren straight on, “Why did you decide to come?”

“I get lonely,” he answered.

“I’m just going to get one thing straight right now. I am not, and won’t ever be there for you just to feed on. I’m am not a meal.”

“No you are a whole buffet.” Kenny said under his breath.

“You are not really my type,” he said looking at Kenny.

“Okay! Next!” Kenny yelled, no screamed.

Next up was a Vampire from Idaho named Walter.

“Sooo…Walter how did you die?” Kaitlin asked the pale boy in a flannel shirt.

“Well, you see I was milking this cow and it bit me,” he said calmly.

“So you were bit by a vampire cow?” Kenny leaned forward trying to suppress his laughter. Kaitlin elbowed him in the side but she too tried to bite back snickers.

“Yes.” Walter looked down at his hands solemnly. “It’s so hard these days you know, to make friends. What with all the pressure.”

“So you decided to come so you could make friends?”

“Yes, I hate being alone.”

Kenny sat back and placed his hands behind his head. “Sooo, what do you usually do for fun Cowboy.”

“I like to jump from tree branch to tree branch, or play creepy music on my piano.”

“Fun.” Kaitlin turned to Kenny and they shook their heads in unison.

“Next,” they said together.


Kaitlin didn’t know whom she found creepier Walter and his tree branch fetish or Christopher and his obsession with little girls.

But Kenny said his favorite was the one with the cape. He said his name was Dracula Jackson (a vampire Michael Jackson), but Kaitlin thinks his name was something like Jake. Either way he smelled funny. It might be his cape.

Kenny yawned and grabbed his backpack and threw it over his shoulder.

“Sorry Kat but I have to get going. You can interview the last one on your own can’t you?” He asked, as he got ready to leave.

“No!” She jumped up.

“Kat this is hopeless. All these guys are creeps.”

“You seemed to like Darren!” She placed her hands on her hips and gave him a sideways glare.

“I said the undead would be good for you. Not me. No, I have to go babysit little John. My Mom has a date.”

“Great, your forty-year-old mother can get a date but I can’t!”

“I wouldn’t get too excited. It’s the principal and he is having hors d’ oeuvres at my place first.” He rolled his eyes, “txt me later, okay?”

“Maybe.”

“Kat.”

“I said maybe, okay and you know I mean yes, I am just mad,” she said crossing her hands over her chest.

“I know. See you later.”

She glared at him as he left just like Josh. She took her seat and turned to the vampire that sat patiently in the back.

“Ethan?” she called. He stirred and her heart jumped. She didn’t know what was with her. She was never scared of the undead. So what if they drink blood?

“Kat,” he inched forward and she swore he looked like a Greek God.

“Alright then, Ethan,” she said to the clipboard in her hands, “why did you decide to come…”

“Lets just cut to the chase are you free on Friday?” he asked leaning forward with a wide grin on his sculptured face.

She was taken aback. “Do you really know what you are getting into here?”

“I think I do. You want someone who can take you on. Become your equal.”

“Yes, but can you?”

He thought for a minute before propping his chin on his wrist.

“Most definitely.”

“Will you take me to a movie then dinner and actually walk me to the door afterwards?”

“Yes.”

“Can you speak at least five languages?”

“Six.”

“Call me at least twice a day?”

“Perfect.”

“Play cards and secretly let me win?”

“You are on.”

“Well then, I guess I could put you on a trial run,” she said critically.

“I’ll pick you up at five,” he said as he got up triumphantly.

“Oh and don’t be late!” She shouted after him. He just raised his hand in the air to signify he understood. She smiled to myself. She was actually looking forward to her date with the vampire.

Two dates and on phone call later


Kaitlin slammed her locker door in Kenny’s face and had to suppress herself from kicking him in the nuts.

“So how is it going with Ethan?” Kenny asked catching on to her destructive mood.

“We are over,” she said trying with all her will power not to cry.

“But I thought things were going so well between you two. I thought I heard wedding bells.”

“No exactly since he killed himself yesterday.” She started to walk toward French class with her head held sort of high.

“Wait he is like immortal? What do you mean he killed himself?” Kenny asked trying to keep up with her quick footsteps.

“He like burned himself to death or something. Apparently that is the only way to kill a vampire. He just couldn’t take it anymore with me.”

“Wow.” Kenny just froze in the middle of the hallway.

She turned to face him and stopped as well and dried up her tears that escaped freely.

“You know what? I think the whole undead idea was a total blow.”

“Yeah you are telling me or rather Ethan.” Kenny said scratching his head.

“We should have tried nerds. I mean they are so eager to please it would have been perfect!”

“Uh Kat maybe we should just call it a draw. I mean you are meant to be an old maid anyway.”

“No! Now go write up the posters. I want to have a date for the dance.”

She turned on her heels and walked straight past that freshman from the other day. Only this time she smiled straight at him and winked.

He fainted.





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