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Clumsy With You

By , Brighton, MI
A MONOLOGUE BY: KAITLYN GORDY


Our leading lady, SHELLY COOPER, is a fresh out of college women who has never found luck with love. SHELLY arrives home after a blind date with the rich and handsome Luke Silver. Her clothes are ruined from head to toe, with the blotchy spills of food and wine. One of her heels had broken off, mascara running down her cheeks from tears. SHELLY saunters into her house and plops down on the couch.

SHELLY
I’ve never been lucky in the field of love. Everyone knows it and it’s hard to hide. Oh trust me, it means something to me, but it has never been found. But he… he is perfect! The second I looked at him, it was instant intimidation, it took over my body. I got so nervous when I walked over to the table. In my mind I was hoping that it wasn’t my date, because he is just too good for me. So I stumbled a couple times with my steps, by the time I got to the table I was already sweating and panting from trying not to fall in my heels. Why do I have to be so awkward? (Laughing)Just walked right up to the table, said my name, sat down, and shut up. I shook so bad my soup spoon didn’t even have any soup on it by the time it got to my mouth, it either fell off the spoon, or I dropped it in my lap, unfortunately. So there he sat all suited up and charming, while I was on the other side of the table looking like a mess. Hands down the most perfect thing to ever happen to me and I ruined it, even the better things that came along I ruined, like Luke.

SHELLY crosses her arms, and lets out a long, loud sigh of sorrow.

SHELLY (cont.)
Now that I think of it, I shouldn’t have left like I did. Stormed out of that restaurant like the damn building was on fire! I was too embarrassed to say anything except goodbye. I made a complete and total a** out of myself; you should have seen the way he looked at me. He looked like a lost toddler in the mall, unbelievable. I am not expecting him to call for a second date.

SHELLY starts to tear up and her words become high pitched and rambled together.

SHELLY (cont.)
And now I’m going to have to be lonely for the rest of my life, and I’ll have to settle alone, buy some cats, and call it a day. This is so depressing; SHELLY the cat lady, all cooped up in her little house all by her lonesome self. Oh for I have destroyed all possibilities of finding someone significant.

Beat.

SHELLY (cont.)
(Normal voice) Maybe if I wasn’t so clumsy… eh what’s the point now? He probably has his rich and fancy friends, talking about me and I will become a permanent disaster, and this day will haunt me in my memory for years to come. Look, I even broke my shoe (lifts up shoe) trying to catch my self from slipping in the spilt water. That of course was after I bumped the waiter carrying it. If anything Luke will probably try to erase our date from his memory, and if worse comes to worst, he won’t be able to and will laugh at me in his mind for the rest of his life. Those stupid like giggles I heard coming from him. Yeah, that’s right, he was laughing at me the entire night. He knows nothing about me, because we didn’t really have the chance to talk. Well, he knows I’m clumsy and that I was a total wreck in his presence.

The phone starts to ring, it is an unknown number, and SHELLY ignores it.

SHELLY (cont.)
Who on God’s green earth could be calling me?! I shall hide my face from the world and become a hermit. For I will miss the sunshine and the outdoors, but there is no way I can face humanity. Not only Luke, but everyone else in the restaurant, including the employees. (Phone rings) Okay you stupid phone! I get it! Hello? Oh great it’s the restaurant manager.

Few seconds go by SHELLY ends the conversation with “Be right there”

SHELLY (cont.)
So yeah, that was the restaurant and they want me to come back when they close to give an explanation as to what the hell happened over by the booth I was sitting at.





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