The Truth

November 20, 2010
My Love,

It's hard to imagine myself as I was before I met you, just two short months ago. All those day I'd spent alone, wondering if there was someone who could accept me as I was. I was looking for you. I just didn't know it yet. I saw you every day. I watched you when I thought you were busy, and then you'd look up, and I'd look away. But there were a few moments when our eyes met, and for a single, brief moment, it felt as if you could see into my heart, my soul. It felt as if you were searching me, looking for the very same thing that I was. It seemed so innocent. I never imagined you would make me feel like this....

We talked on the weekends, and I began to understand why you acted as you did. I began to understand the way you think. Soon enough, I felt as if I understood you. And I felt safe talking to you. I knew I could trust you not to judge me, because you were just as afraid of judgement as I was. But I could never judge you. Then came the kiss.

That first kiss knocked me for a loop. I could think of nothing after that, except the way it felt being held by you, the way your lips felt as you kissed me, your hand on my face. I couldn't that day. And when I went home, I asked what I was afraid to ask, "Why?". You told me that it was because you were grateful, but that felt like something more. So I challenged you to search yourself and you did. You weren't sure what you wanted. You were afraid, just like me.

That day, when you asked "What do you want?", I questioned what answer you were hoping for. I was afraid to be honest for fear of rejection, but something compelled me to take that leap. And when you said yes, my heart nearly exploded from the rush of joy! I could think of nothing after that, except that I had found someone who accepted me as is. I had found someone who, like me, had been alone. But you weren't searching. You've told me that you could never hope for someone like me; but you could do so much better.

I think I realized that I was falling for you before I had time to acknowledge the fact that you wanted to be with me. Remember the day you held me? That day, we stood in the cold, surrounded by people, lost in the warmth of each other. That's one of my favorites. The day at the mall is another fond memory. That day, walking beside you, holding your hand, looking at things, talking about random objects and ideas; I wouldn't trade that day for anything. Seeing you that happy made me feel like I could take on the world. Ever since that day, I feel like I should be protecting you from all of the pain and darkness in your life. I would take on the demons of hell, if only to see you smile as you did that day.

I asked you to teach me martial arts. You gladly obliged my request, I think just for the sake of having more time together. Then you offered to teach me how to dance. It seems to me as if you're making all of my dreams come true. I know that's an impossible notion, but it feels as if you've been sent from heaven. My fallen angel with broken wings. You may be able to protect yourself, but you can't heal a wound that you can't see. You're broken, lost inside, but you don't have to be alone. I'm here, and I always will be, unless you say otherwise. That's a promise.

There are not enough words do describe everything that I love about you. You are so strong, inside and out. It's almost heartbreaking to see you standing strong, knowing that something dark brought that set jaw and proud stance into existence. There's so much pain in your life, past and present, and yet you still move forward, day after day, forcing yourself to live the life you should have been living all along. Everything, from your proud stance, to the look of fear you get when I tell you we need to talk; everything about you is graceful, strong and elegant. Everything you do, you do with grace. So many things I love, and not nearly enough words. None of them are good enough.

You are so loving, so gentle and caring. Understanding. There is never a time when I'm upset, that you don't take my hand and promise me that everything will be fine. You hold me when I can't help but cry. You take my insecurities and show me how foolish it is for me to think that you would ever be displeased with me. So many times you've reassured me; telling me all the things about me that you would never ever change. And when you say it with such sincerety, how can I not believe every word? When you hold me so close and whisper those sweet words in my ear, I can't help but fall more in love with you.

Thinking back to how I was, I can't see myself ever not loving yuo. I think I have from the very start. You were so different when I first met you. Now that I know you, now that I understand you, I can see what you hide beneath your mask. I know when you're upset or tired, when you aren't feeling well, or when you're brooding, just with a look or a touch or a word. I see you, the real you. A black angel of compassion. My black angel. You've become comfortable around me. You've shown me what you won't let anyone else see. You've shown me your pain, your heart, laid at my feet. I took your heart, your pain, your love and I promise I'll always keep them safe. I never imagined you would ever make me feel like this. The truth is,I'm in love with you. I just couldn't tell you before now. I love you, Jordan.


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