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Breathing heavily I hugged myself tightly – into a very small ball – willing my eyes to cry. I needed tears, needed something to do other than feel and think about the pain that coursed through me.
Please cry, please cry, please cry, please cry, please cry…..
The tears didn’t come. I rubbed me eyes in frustration, the throbbing in my chest growing. Lying on my crumpled sheets I looked around me room, trying to focus on anything else. The door in front of me was my only protection from what was out there.
Every time. Every time this happens to me. I fall in love, get attached, get hurt – and end up like this all over again.
You so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid…
I glanced past my door to my cupboard beside it and saw the photo of me and Danni. I buried my head under the cover of my arms as the agony resurfaced. Memories flooded through me – us together lying side by side in my bed in the morning, us walking hand in hand in the park, us laughing over something ridiculous I always do, us fighting….me alone.
A sob escaped and I moaned, still no tears.
The bedroom door creaked open and he was there - standing in his favorite, torn up jeans and looking as bewildered as ever. Either way, he still looked good and the sight of him tortured me. Danni walked in slowly, so slowly as if scared he would frighten me. I didn’t move. No point. Where would I go? We shared an apartment and he was bigger and stronger than me.
Unhurriedly, he sat beside me and slid his arms around me. I flinched and inched away but he didn’t hold back. Pulling me closer to him till be head rested against his muscular chest.
Even in pain I couldn’t help but think how hot that was.
When he touched me the throbbing in my chest grew and I was filled with grief. Tears slid down my cheeks freely now and I pounded my fists against him in resentment. I was weak. I needed him. I couldn’t stand to be alone. Danni kept on holding me, catching my tears and providing me comfort by just being there. He didn’t kiss me or make any other move on me. He just let me ride out all the emotion and for that I was grateful.
“Shh…let it go...” he whispered.
“You bloody b******,” I grumbled, my words muffled by his now tear stained shirt.
I wasn’t looking at him, but I knew he was smiling.
I let him hold me and when I was ready I broke free of his hold and wiped the wetness off my face.
“You okay?” he asked quietly.
I nodded. I did not want to talk about it but I knew he would.
“Stop it,” he said. I glanced at him, confused at his sharp tone.
“Stop what?” I sniffed.
“Stop comparing me to every other guy you met. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m not-” I said, automatically denying it.
Danni pulled me towards him again, his body pressed up against mine and his nose barely brushing mine. He brushed my lips with his fingers and murmured.
“I’m not going anywhere. So you better stop leaving me behind.”
He kissed me softly and we stayed in each other’s arms on my bed, on my crumpled sheets.
I nodded to myself. But it’s hard to believe something good can be real when there has been so much proof against it.
But maybe, maybe this can be different…