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I Said I'd Never Let You Go and I Never Did
When Jerry dropped me off at the hospital, I begged him not to leave. I told him that if he left me in the room with you, I might cry. He simply told me that if might stop you from doing what you there in the first place and drove off. I almost yelled his name to get him to come back, but I knew it wouldn’t work. That’s Jerry for you.
I walked through the entrance and approached the front desk. I asked the lady at the front desk and asked her what room you’re in. As I thanked her, I walked to the elevator, got in, and pressed the third floor button. When the doors opened, I walked into the hallway. The strong smell of bleach and ammonia didn’t bother me since I’ve been in hospitals a handful of times. Only twice, have they ended in disaster.
When I reached room 313, I took a deep breath, and stood in the doorway watching you. I noticed that your watching “Chowder” on Cartoonetwork but you’ve got your headphones in to you’re iPod. When I walk in, you look over and smile. I walk towards your bed and sit in the chair next to it. When I sit, you grab my hand and lace you’re fingers in mine.
I look at our hands, and then look at you. When I look into your hazel eyes, my black one’s start to water. When a tear comes, you wipe it away with your free hand. Every tear that comes, you manage to catch. But after the last and final tear, for that moment, I asked you why you over dosed. You simply said that you didn’t want to live anymore.
I could tell you didn’t think about the question. It’s like you had either been asked that numerous amounts of time, or you were already prepared for when you were asked. I sat there some more looking at our hands. Then I asked you if you remembered when I told you that the last place that I wanted to see you was in a hospital. You said that you did. So I asked yo why you’d want to kill yourself and if you got caught, you knew youd be in a hospital, where I’d have to visit.
After two people I love very much died and I’ve been dealing with that since I was seven and ten, I couldn’t believe it almost happened again. When I asked you why you didn’t want to live anymore. You said because your mom died, you had to choose between your sister and your grandma and at the time you had to choose, you didn’t want to live with either. Since you didn’t want to be used for Social Security checks and sleep on the floor, you picked your sister. The only reason why you picked her was because she lives three hours away from me.
I thought it was sweet but I was still mad. And you could tell. You said you were sorry, but it felt like it was the right thing to do. Sort of like a spur of the moment thing. I still couldn’t believe you tried to take your life. As I started to think about it more, I started to cry again.
I know you hate it when I cry but I couldn’t help it. I almost had another person that I love taken away from me. I don’t know how to deal with this type of stuff. I’m only 13. It’s just too much. I honestly have no idea how I could deal losing you, I tell you.
That’s when you tell me that I’m everything to you and that I’m all you have left. I stop crying and look at you. I couldn’t tell if you were being serious or if you wanted me to stop crying. You looked serious but I’m not sure. How is it possible that I’m everything to you and I’m all that you have left?
You tell me that everything you just said is true and that everything we’ve been through I’ve stood by you; I never left. And it’s true. I never did leave your side. You scoot over so there’s room on the bed so I can lie next to you. I get on the bed, lay my head on your shoulder, and close my eyes.
We stay like that for a really long time. Every five minutes, you tell me you love me and I say it back. Eventually I fall asleep and I feel you kiss my forehead. When I wake you tell me that you always end up falling asleep on you but you never get tired of it. I finally look at you and you look back at me. You lean down to kiss me and we kiss for a really long time.
When it’s time to go, I call Jerry and tell him to pick me up. I stayed with you from the start and end of visiting hours. I get off the bed and lean down to kiss you. I say bye and head downstairs. When I reach the parking lot and find Jerry’s Mustang, he asked me if I cried. I nodded my head.
He said it’s what I needed to do but not to worry because everything is going to be fine. As he drives me home, it starts to rain. I lean my head against the window to feel the coolness of the window. I think about all that’s happened. As I’m thinking, I hear my favorite song playing, “Have Faith In Me” by A Day To Remember. When the chorus starts I really think about the words.
I never did let you go. And I never I will. Just as long as you don’t.