Twice dead, twice the pain.

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I was once dead. And that almost a year now. I died of a broken heart. The pieces were lost and I couldn’t find them. I died by drowning in my own tears. Rivers of tears which were quite strange for they were as salty as the sea. My mind was lost. I was dead but I walk. Maybe I’m a zombie. Yes, I’d rather be.

But you came. You revived me. You breathe into me. You gave me yours. Yours was mine. I was turning back into a human. I laugh, I smile, and I feel the love radiating from within me. I felt the joy of being loved back, though you never said the three magic words to me. I felt contented just by seeing the smile from your bloody red lips. The sound of your laughter was music to my ears. Your presence gave me hope. I have forgotten how to live and love but you brought the emotions out of me again. The sun was up again and I knew this is another day, a new beginning. The pain of yesterday was almost faded and I barely felt the pang of seething pain. The pain that once killed me. The pain that almost erased my chance of meeting you. The pain that could have chased my opportunity of appreciating life because of you. Everything in me now revolves around you. My world, my life, my heart, all is here thanks to you. When you peek into my heart, all you would see is you, everything about you that saved me.

Days without you are empty and useless. Hours were passing at a terribly slow rate. The pain was bearable though, I was just worried something might happen to you without me knowing, I was worried you might not know me the moment we see each other again, I was worried you might start going out with other girls, I was worried I’d lose you though you was never mine. Silly worries of course.

But I was wrong, they were never silly, I guess you could call them part of a girl’s intuition. Every worry which I thought were silly became true. Slowly…very slowly that I could everything biting into me, every single part of my fragile body. The heart which I thought was at least a little whole was terribly broken again now into a thousand more pieces, into much more smaller pieces. The sound of your footsteps walking away was like an icy knife cutting through me. The sight of you too contented in her arms was like poison gradually taking effect in my veins. I guess it was.

I could picture myself. A girl with messed hair. A girl with puffy eyes from all the crying. A girl who lost her ability to sleep sue to fear of dreaming of the one who had once save her but plunged her back into the river after sometime, now in the deeper part. The girl who skipped meals because she lost her appetite. A girl who thought about countless possibilities, whose words were mainly “what ifs?” and “why?”.

Erasing the picture in mind was entirely impossible. I pitied myself. And I didn’t even have the chance to tell you that I Lo… well never mind, you wouldn’t care, I’m sure. My happy mask was useless now. Everyone knew. Everyone felt. Everyone except you. You of all the people.

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you. Hard is even an understatement. It’s beyond hard. It’s killing me. Killing me for the second time, it does.

So I got up and retrieve he shovel. I am going to bury myself to avoid being killed for the third time. May I RIP.





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