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September 16, 2010
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Heart beating faintly, barely noticed, barely heard, barely felt. Lungs expanding, releasing, a constant rhythm. Brown eyes, deep like the ocean, dark like the hazy skies of dawn, gazing into my own. My hands trembling, yearning to be comforted, my knees weakening.
I sit on a cushion to keep my knees from giving out. I sink into the couch, my limbs heavy. He sits with me, reaches for my hand. I focus on my breathing: breathe in, breathe out, relax. Absolute silence follows. Absolute calm.
His hand, warm, comforting, enveloping mine. I am vaguely aware of my head leaning toward him, resting hesitantly on his shoulder. The tears come suddenly, unexpectedly, instigated by the pressure of his hand over mine and the pain that is throttling me. By the feel of his broad shoulder beneath my cheek. It is difficult to breathe. My heart pounds harder. My eyes fill quickly, flood my lids, spill out onto my lashes. Warm wetness seeps out of my eyes and drizzles down my cheeks. He holds my hand tighter.
An inhuman, animalistic sound escapes my lips, a sound of internal suffering. I am no longer in my body; I am a spectator, a ghost watching from the ceiling of this place. I sob, my sides heave. My shoulders are weighted down by thousand-pound burdens. Air catches in my throat, I choke on my own breath. My eyes are drowning in tears and my body quickly follows.
Then, he rescues me. I am a spirit, I am dead. But I am slowly returning to my body, the one that is being devoured by uncontrollable sobs. I am no longer watching from the ceiling. He grabs me in an embrace and I suddenly return to myself with a jolt. I tremble with misery.
I am weak, so weak. I can no longer support my weight. I rely on him, the only one I can count on to protect me. He will hold me, he will watch over me. I fell and he caught me. I was drowning and he saved me. Only him.
I feel his arms wrapped around me, his hands on my back, his chin on the back of my neck. My cries are muffled by his warm, broad chest. Time loses value. I am lost, but he is holding me on Earth. Trying to keep me there. Only him.

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Stormythrone said...
Sept. 26, 2010 at 4:45 pm

Good start :) Lots of detail. I would love to know the whole story behind it and what signifigance he is to her. Great job, youre a very talented writer! Keep writing.


starxoxo23 replied...
Oct. 2, 2010 at 3:58 pm
thanks, i really appreciate it (:
starxoxo23 said...
Sept. 25, 2010 at 5:31 pm
Thanks for the comments everyone! I'll work on the ending and try to post an updated version soon. However, I'm probably not going to elaborate any more on the girl's reason for being so sad. One of the reasons I didn't explain her sadness is that it's often hard to pin down exactly why you're feeling a certain way, and that's part of where her sorrow comes from - the unknown. Lol that probably doesn't make any sense... but anyways, thanks again =)
Aidyl said...
Sept. 25, 2010 at 5:30 pm
Amazing job communication emotions here! I could feel so vividly what she was feeling. I only wished I could have known more about who she was or why she was so upset. Good job! :)
starxoxo23 replied...
Sept. 25, 2010 at 5:32 pm
thank you (:
DifferentTeen said...
Sept. 25, 2010 at 3:08 pm
Sometimes I feel like I'll never find the feeling that I can share with someone. The feeling that you descibe so well in this piece. Excellent job, keep writing.
starxoxo23 replied...
Sept. 25, 2010 at 5:33 pm
thanks so much :)
BrielleM said...
Sept. 25, 2010 at 9:33 am

That was very very good! :)

I agree with the others, though. It does seem a little incomplete. Haha. A little incomplete. If that even makes sense.

Anyway, I'm very curious as to why she's sad...I wish the characters were describes more because the story leaves me wanting to read more about them!

starxoxo23 replied...
Sept. 25, 2010 at 5:34 pm
thank you!
starxoxo23 said...
Sept. 25, 2010 at 9:10 am
thanks for the comments guys (: i will work on improving the ending.
Elisabeth said...
Sept. 24, 2010 at 9:44 pm
Agreed. The ending seemed incomplete, I want to know why she is so sad.  I do really like the emotion the character is giving off though.
thepreechyteenager said...
Sept. 24, 2010 at 8:53 pm
retty good :)  I thought the ending was a little incomplete feeling, though.  It just felt like that wasn't the natural end to the story, a little unsatisfying  I did like however, the amount of emotion the charcater had in the piece, it made the piece very strong.  You had some pretty good detail and vocabulary in this, too.  Good job :)
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