A Special Moment

September 1, 2010
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"Everything is going wrong Jake," I sobbed, "first my friends desert me for cooler ones and then..." I sobbed louder.

"Everythings going to be okay Jessica," he reassured me.

My life had been going wrong ever since Sadie deserted me, I thought. Sadie Wilkins used to be my best friend. After she left me for more popular people, all of my other friends went with her. My mother was the only one there to comfort me. Then, she died in a car accident and my world came crashing down. Now Jake, my boyfriend, is the only one I have left.

All I could do was cry and cry into the shoulder of Jake, who was patting my back reassuringly.

"I'm sorry," I said, "you must think I'm an awful baby." Only sobbng harder. We were sitting outside in my backyard and the stars were brighter then ever. A chill went down my back as he put his arm around my waist.

I turned my face toward his and stared into his deep blue eyes. I could feel his warm breath on my face. I knew what was happening about a second before it came. We moved closer and closer together until our bodies became one. I felt his soft lips on mine and though it only lasted a second, time seemed to freeze, and I wanted to stay there in his arms forever.

It was our first kiss together. Everything had changed, everything was different. I was a little scared, but ready to embrace it.

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rhymertapperdreamer This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 4, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Hey lissy!  It's "The Hippo". :)  Nice story!  I think the begining was a little over-the-top, but the last two paragraphs are really good.  Nice use of imagry!  What happens next?!?
Lissypiggy replied...
Sept. 4, 2010 at 5:23 pm
HAHAHAHAHA! "The Hippo" I didn't know you where on Teen Ink! Thanks for the feedback everyone!:)
thepreechyteenager said...
Sept. 3, 2010 at 6:02 pm

I really liked this :)  I thought everything was very good.  You might have but more words like "heartbroken" and "alone "to describe her mental state after what had happened to her.  And I thought you might have compared the embrace she shared with Jake to how she was ready to embrace the new level of their relationship.

Other than those two little things, I thought this was absolutley perfect :)

Can you comment and rate my story, "Encounter"?

Sonata16 said...
Sept. 3, 2010 at 4:28 pm
I really like it, but I think you could have led up to the kiss more, giving more anticipation. I feel like you gave the story away, because it was just too short.
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