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Let’s find a way back to the heart of it all.
When I was younger I fell in love with falling in love. I was searching constantly for that one spark in meeting his eyes, and knowing, just knowing. Then I fell into a period when I stopped searching, and was content with being myself. And that’s when I found you, when I wasn’t looking, or searching, or finding, but when I was living.
When I sit by the sea, I remember you. When I lie on the ground, I remember you. When I take a shower with my thoughts to myself, I remember you. I constantly am reminded of your presence and how you would take my hand and guide me. And those moments are the worst. I can feel your calloused hands and rough edges. And for a moment it’s pure bliss to think you have not left. But you have, and that’s what haunts me. You are my happiest ghost. And as I lay here in our bed, alone, I remember clearly the nights spent of nothing but talking about everything and anything.
I could lie and say that I was fine, and that I didn’t miss any of our routine, and our special dates and nights. But that wouldn’t make me feel any better. And I know this is me being afraid of change, and my consequence for revolving my whole life on loving you, but I don’t regret it. Because I know I made you happy. And I know that somewhere inside of you, you miss me. Because I know I miss you. And how we loved, was something you cannot get from anyone, but me. So I can wait it out for me to find you again, I promise you I can. I can sit in my room and look through the box under my bed, and I can remember, and be reminded of us. I can dream for as long as I have to, I can.
I swore we would travel the galaxy together. I told everyone we would spend the rest of our days together. And if someone had told me two years ago, you wouldn’t be mine; I would have been shocked at that person’s bravery. I guess in the deep basements of my heart I knew you were too good to be true. And I knew I made you out to be more perfect than you really were, because you let me get to know your dark side. I remember that night, I made you so mad, and you broke every frame that held a picture of us. I remember crying, it was my fault, and I shouldn’t have said what I did. I remember apologizing, and I started to pack my things when you stopped me. I felt so grateful to have someone like you that I completely forgot your rampage. So the next day I went out and bought new ones like nothing had ever happened. And I remember that bruise on my face, I remember how you cried and cried. And I held you. I held you. I have forgiven you for a lot.
I remember how much you loved my hair, it was so long. I remember the next day after I came home to an empty house, I cut it off. With tears, but I did. It made me realize you were gone. But now my hair is back. And I don’t mind it, it just lingers in my mind every morning of how you would put your fingers through it and compliment it. Especially this morning, I am trying to get ready. But this morning marks a year; a year of being empty, a year of being lonely, a year of not being me, because I cannot be me without you. You completed me, now part of me is gone, for as long as I live. And now as I am trying to make my coffee, I am struggling, this happens every morning, I start to shake, and can’t keep myself from crying. It doesn’t last long though, only for a minute or so. It’s like I can feel you, holding your arms around me, holding me like you did. Telling me ‘Good morning’ and whispering sweet nothings that meant everything. You knew how to make every day an amazing one, no matter what had happened the night before.
As I make my way to my car, I click the unlock button and get in, and drive. I don’t know where I am going, and that part doesn’t really matter, I just need to be gone. And I know this is how not to live your life and this isn’t the solution, but it’s the last resort, I can’t deal with this unhappiness anymore, I can’t deal with the misery, and the memories. I don’t want to look at the stars and cry; I don’t want to be all alone with my thoughts every night with no chance of sleep. I don’t want to live with my sister and be a burden with her because I can’t handle a daily routine of a job. I don’t want this anymore, it’s not worth it. So my solution is to just end it.
And there it is my sweet bridge to freedom. And as I park my car and get out, I start feeling a little better within every step.
I am honestly unhappy. And I’ve been searching for that one part of me I gave up, which is that girl, that one girl that makes everything light. That one makes your lungs struggle a little to keep steady and you mind race with ‘How did you manage to get her?’ The one girl you want to love for the rest of your life. The one you want to have your name.
I am nothing special, just a regular and rare young male teacher that does not teach to coach. I have weird curly brown hair, and glasses. But I am okay looking. I hope I am at least. This morning I feel different though, I am in a fairly decent mood, it just feels like today will be special. And as I star up at my fan watching it move not wanting to start the day, it feels like I need to. So I do my routine of shower, teeth, dress, eat, leave. I get into my car and drive.
As I drive, I feel nervous, and then I see it, there is a girl standing at the bridge. My heart races, I have to do something. And as I notice who it is, her face, her freckles, her caramel colored hair, I realize it’s her. And as our eyes meet, I know I’ve saved her, not only her, me, because we have missed so much of each other. And now I realize, love always finds a way back. And now she trembles softly, ‘Evan?’ and all I can do is hold her, like I used to in the mornings.