I lashed out at you that day. That day when I couldn’t take the pain anymore. You told me to leave as I started to cry in front of you. With my tears came those stupid memories.

I remember our first kiss together as a couple. We were nervous, didn’t know where to put our faces and hands. So we just kept them away from each other. Finally, with one unsettling breath in, you came closer to me and gently pushed me against the wall. I closed my eyes, waiting patiently while breathing in your lovely aftershave. I felt your hands caress my face and slowly run down my body. Our breathing got shaky then, as my hands pulled on your shirt to get you closer to me. I don’t think you ever nervous kissing someone until you met me. Finally, our lips met in the middle of the silence and said hello. A fire started to burn then, slowly but surely. You felt it, I felt it. And I loved it. I didn’t even know how to kiss before you kissed me. You taught me how to kiss, to hold, and to love.

That day I stared at you with tears threatening to boil over and sprint down my face. You didn’t even look at me. You just had your hands shoved in the pockets of your jeans. I loved those jeans. On the front pocket is where I doodled my name and a little heart greeting you good day.

Thinking of your jeans, I remember how we used to be. After that kiss, we were inseparable. I had the guilty pleasure of displaying my affection for you in public. Sure, it might have been rude and maybe awkward. But I was so wrapped up in those chocolate coffee eyes that I didn’t care. And neither did you.

We used to cuddle during movies and laugh at the most random times just by looking at each other. You would hold my hand and squeeze until I looked at you and started smiling. And sometimes if you were really bold and really happy that day, you would wrap your strong arms around my waist and kiss quickly on my neck, which is why I never wear perfume on my neck anymore, because you complained of how it tasted.

But besides the obvious public displays of affection, you would tease me and play our little games with me. And when we were alone, that slow burning fire would ignite into something incredible that would leave us gasping. We tried to hang out with each other as much as we could, usually at the movies because it was nice and dark. My favorite movie became UP, because we went to see it again after we cuddled watching it with our youth group.

Some days were great; you were always smiling and looking at me like I was the most perfect girl in the world. Those days we would stay up late talking about everything and nothing. But most days were horrible and we became distant.

I eventually got angry at you and stopped talking to you. You came up to me and asked me what’s wrong. Actually, no, you went to my friend to tell me that. Your such a coward. I got angrier at your sudden shyness. So I marched up to you and scolded you for being such a baby and a jerk. Then I told you nothing was wrong. But instead you yelled at me for being emotional and sensitive. You told me you didn’t care about me. You told me you were fed up with the way I wanted to talk to you every couple days. You were fed up with me. And you continued to yell at me. And I took it all.

In your anger, you went after my friend. You saw how much pain it caused me when you acted like you actually liked her. We both knew you didn’t. You in fact hated her, you didn’t like me hanging around her so much because you thought she was annoying and clingy and you couldn’t get to me because of her. So it was like a stab in the back when you laughed with her and told her to text you sometime. I turned away and walked off to some of my other friends because it hurt so much. I stopped talking and calling you for three weeks. You didn’t do anything about it but instead told me that you never liked her, you hated her. Still do probably, because I can see your annoyance every time she appears in the same room you’re in.

Then finally, something snapped inside of you and you suddenly became the sweet and charming boy I once knew. You said that you missed my hug that day and wanted one right after church. You yelled that out actually. I was shocked. So after church I went up to you and hugged you because I had no self-control.

“Welcome back baby.” You whispered into my ear and then we ditched our friends to go ignite the fire once again.
***
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I looked at you that day with angry hot fire in my eyes. I hated you. I called you a b******. I called you a liar. And I called you a good-for-nothing boyfriend. You just stood there. You took it all. When I was finally done with my rant, you looked up at me with soft wet brown eyes. You took two strides, pulled me into you and kissed me hard. I broke away gasping and demanded why you just did that. And you told me that you were really sorry. That you loved me.

You never told me you loved me. Not once. And that day, I knew you meant it. Because that day, I finally believed you through all my pain and fear and worry. And I believed you meant it because that day you told me you loved me and you didn’t hurt me ever again.