Malibu Pier

August 2, 2010
By HelyRose BRONZE, London, Other
HelyRose BRONZE, London, Other
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments

She stared intently at the clock . Tick ….Tick … Tick … the clock always seemed to go so slow . One minute would pass by and yet to her it would feel like hours.
The bell rang .
She jumped up from her seat , and sprinted to the door. She ran outside ,stopped then she looked up at the clear blue sky , and took a deep breath in. A big smile broke across her face.
It was summer . No more classes, no more high school . Just the summer air surrounding her , and the blue sky with clouds that looked so soft like cotton candy above her head.
She was free.
She ran , feeling the breeze on her face , through her hair , and on her skin. It made her feel real , it made her feel happy . This would be the best two months of my life , she thought. At school , she felt invisible , trapped even . But now , she felt like she could be anybody .

As she started to slow down , she reached the pier . She loved coming here , she adored watching the beautiful waves break on the shore. She loved listening to the calling of the seagulls , to her the noise was calming .She could sit here for hours. Sometimes she did just that , she would get lost in her daydreams . To her , they seemed better than reality , she wanted to stay there - and never to wake up. Unfortunately most days she was awoken from her wondering thoughts by mindless teenage boys shouting about who can eat the most hamburgers , or by girls giggling loudly over something that she was sure wasn’t that funny .

She was excited .She looked out onto the deep blue and turqouise sea , and wished for something to go right this summer . She longed for something to happen that would take her breath away , something that would make her heart race in excitement , something new .

A few minutes or so later , she felt a body come near to her . Without looking round , she tried to make out who the figure next to her was . It was useless though so She stayed silent . She was nervous… Who was it ? What did they want ? Were they going to mug her ? She tried to slowly move away to the other side , when the figure said
“ It’s nice to come here to clear your head sometimes . I come here a lot. And I know you do to .”
She looked up to see a boy watching her intently . She was about to reply but she gazed into his light hazlenut coloured eyes and got lost inside them. Their beauty was mesmorising , she had never seen such eyes . She tore herself away from his gaze , and just about managed to reply : “ Um , yeah I guess …wait er how do you know that ?”
He could see that she was worried just by looking deep into her eyes.
“ Sorry,” he said cautiously , “ I didn’t mean to sound stalkerish. I’ve just noticed you a few times here before . You looked so calm and so peaceful , so I never wanted to disturb you before . I’m Ben .”
“ I’m Lily , nice to meet you Ben,” she replied softly .
His voice was deep , yet soft and calm .
He held his hand out , she looked at it , it looked so soft ,and so warm . She couldn’t believe it , she was analyzing his hand ? But she couldn’t help herself .
She gently reached out for his hand , and when they touched , it felt like some sort of magic was created .It felt like a spark . She blushed and quickly pulled away .
“ So ,” Ben said , “ Are you from around near here ?”
“ Yes I live about ten minutes down the beach .” She had a million things she wanted to say , a million questions for him . After a short pause she was able to say,
“ What about you , I haven’t seen you around here before ?”
“ That is probably because I’m not from around here .” He smiled warmly . “ I moved here a few days ago , I’m visiting my gran for the summer.”
Lily couldn’t really believe what was happening . He seemed so perfect yet so real .
Her thoughts all suddenly became tangled up in a giant mess , her stomach was jumping around like it was on a trampoline for the very first time. What was happening to her ?
“ That’s nice , I’m sure you will really enjoy it here .”She said gingerly trying to smile without looking to eager .
He watched her intensely , and when she smiled , it seemed unreal to him . He complimented her : “ Your smile , it’s like something I have never seen before . it’s magical , you should smile more often .”
She could have lost herself in his eyes , his face , even his words sounded beautiful to her. She blushed .
“ Thankyou , um I like yours to .” She responded and then felt embaressed by her awkward reply .
He laughed . It was almost a giggle . Not like anything she had heard before . It sounded so natural , she longed to hear again.

He stared at her . She was not like any girl he had met before . Her natural beauty was electrifying to him .He could feel the tension , the emotion , the passion . He felt like sparks were literally flying between their bodies .
He loved her eyes ,they were beautiful , dazzling , remarkable . Something inside of him knew that he wanted to know this girl . He knew one thing , he HAD to see her again . He HAD to know her.

Her phone broke the silence between them . Though it wasn’t an awkward silence that had been broken , it was the best silence she had ever experienced. She laughed at herself at that thought .
She picked up her phone : “ Hello?”
“Hi lily , it’s mum , where are you ?”
“ Hi mum , I’m at the pier .”
“ Lily , it’s nearly dark , I need you home now before dinner .”
“Okay , I’ll see you soon . Bye”
She was upset that she had to leave him , she was upset that she would miss their silence even .
“ I’m sorry , it was nice meeting you but I have to go now.” She spoke these words wishing she didn’t have to .
“ Oh , okay , I’ll see you around then ?” Ben replied , something in his tone sounded hopeful .
“ Yes , see you around .” Lily smiled and walked away .
Her emotitions ran wild as she walked down the beach , into the sunset . She had never experienced anything like that before . She knew one thing was for sure . She HAD to see him again . She HAD to know him .



Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 2 comments.


on Aug. 24 2010 at 9:12 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

It's a very clichet sort of thing, but it didn't seem that way when I red it. It was emotional and, well, adorable!

 

I liked the beginning with the ticks and stuff, I thought that was very clever, though, I'm not sure you actually needed that first sentece. The ticks might be good on their own!

 

The next paragraph gets wordy. You don't need to describe every movement that your character does, let the reader use their brains when they read.

 

"She jumped up from her seat and sprinted out the door.  She looked up at the clear (commas between adjectives!), blue sky."

Clear blue sky or blue sky with clouds that look like cotton candy? Watch with mentioning the same thing in the same paragraph with different adjectives.That sentence is also a bit awkward to read.

 

"Just the summer air surrounding her.....put whatever here", but not the cloud thing and sky thing. Perhaps you could say that it was fulled with the sense of freedom or something.

 

I say this a lot, and I bet your quotes were in italics before you submitted this, but those don't go through, so put the thoughts in quotes.

She started to slow down as she reached the pier. She loved coming here and adored watching the beautiful waves break on the shore.............seagulls, to her (comma needed!), the noise was calming...........To her, they seemed better than reality. (Make a new sentence here)  She wanted to stay there-stay there, and never wake up.

 


"felt a body come near her."

"It was useless though, so she stayed silent"

"She became nervous" It builds suspence.

"when the person said:"

Figures don't talk and you need a colon or semi colon.

"I come here a lot, and I know you do too."

I know it's someone speaking, but grammar is still important when you're writing it all out "too" and "to" are different. People start their sentences with 'and' all the time in diolague, but if you say it out loud, a comma works better.

"...boy, watching her intently."

The next sentence goes back to what I said before, commas between adjectives! At first glance, it sounded like he was radiating some sort of light or something. Commas needed!

I don't really think the thing about the hand is super important.....it could be cut out...

"What about you?  I haven't seen you around here before"

"on a trampoline." Done, period, the end. Nothing else needed.

"After a short pause, she was able to say, 'What about you?'" Same line for that, not a new one.  Same person was talking, so you can just leave it.

There are a few things in here that I wouldn't put in myself, but I think that's just because I'm older than you and have a bit more experience under my belt. I won't bother pointing them out because you'll reread this with older eyes and find them yourself. It's how writers mature, and therefore pointless for me to beat every single thing I see. I mean, you're going to continue writing, hopefully, it'd be great if you did, you're good now, so your style will change and mature. You may not have even found a particular style yet, and that's okay because that's what being young is all about. If I over suggest, then I risk taking away your voice before it matures, and that would be bad....Keep writing! Hope I've helped! Good luck!

 


 

 

 


on Aug. 18 2010 at 8:35 pm

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!

Let's start with the good thing--the really good thing. Something that you can't usually tell with other people that write-- I can tell that you like doing this!!

While of course romance story on the pier boy meets girl thing isn't necessarily my cup of tea, it looks like yours isn't some cliche nonesense and rather it's your imagination taking you away saying "man i love romance stories but I want to make one better and my own." I can respect that!

Now writing mechanics need a lot of work. You have some really good lines here and there--the way you describe the girls feelings is good because other people can relate to it. 

But here's the stuff you might want to improve on; you're repetitive. in the first paragraph you say "she sprinted" then you say "she ran" and there's some similar patterns throughout your story. See if you can make things flow better by making some sentences more concise, and having less stage direction as they say.

The dialogue was also really good--realistic. I'm a huge fan of imaginative realistic stuff and you deffinately have a great sense of those things. The writing mechanics will take care of themselves--take AP English if you haven't already because that will help you A LOT like it helped me learn all this stuff and more lol



SciArc

MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!