If You Really Knew Me

August 1, 2010
If you really knew me, I wouldn’t be lying in the center of this feild, contemplating my mere exsistance, wavering the importance of my small speck of a life, I Wouldn’t be here at all, if you really knew me. You would’ve known that your help wouldn’t do anything except give me more of a reason to act the way I did, because if anyone is a horrible person, it’s me. And If you really knew me, that would be the only thought in your head, when seeing me at my worst.

You had no reason, no liability over me, You had no excuse to come into my life, but you did, and I hated that more than myself, at the time. The way that you were so sure of me, that my condescending stand point was only a disguise. That I only wanted everyone to think that I was above them, capable of taking care of myself. And we were both wrong about that asumption, and right at the same time. That no, I actually am not capable of handling myself, that I’m too weak to control my horrid emotions and I allow them to take the sane away from me. That in the end, I found that I was never hiding a rational being under my selfish disguise, that when you finally fought through my thick mask, there was only a girl ten times more selfish, and a hundred times more careless, waiting to chase away and ruin anyone willing to fall for me. And that anyone, was you.

“One does a whole painting for one peach and people think just the opposite—that that particular peach is but a detail” I remember those few words spoken to me at my worst, You quoted the words as if you were Picasso himself, and you told me that, to everyone else I may be just a detail, a speck on this planet, but to you, I was the most astonishing peach he’d ever held. And what did I respond with? I told you that you were full of crap. And you were. because if I’m a peach, than I’m a moldy one at that.

In a crime scene, evidence says it all, and all of this, is evidence, that you never really knew me, not at all. because if you really did know me, than you would have never risked your life before mine. Because as you drove through that light, only thinking of getting me to the hostpital in enough time to somehow save me from the many pills I shoved down my throat that night, If you had only thought of the horrible person I really am before saving me, you’d be fine right now. I’d be where I want to be, dead, and you, alive. Like it should be. That car would have never run into you from the side, splattering your blood accross the windshield, shattering your bones into millions of pieces. I remember turning my head, opening my eyes, seeing your limp body, cold and abandoned. Like the way I’ve felt my whole life, until you somehow forced yourself into it. Like the way I feel now, Lying in the center of this quiet feild. Looking at the sky. Wanting more than anything to have you here. So I could explain to you that you never really knew me. Because If you actually knew me, you would have given up on me like everyone else.

When you forced yourself into my life, I had hated you more than myself, now the only thing I hate more than myself, is the fact that the only person I had ever loved, never knew me at all.

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This article has 9 comments. Post your own now!

mocha said...
Sept. 9, 2010 at 7:38 am
loved it. :)
blu_jay96 said...
Aug. 19, 2010 at 8:41 pm

You're amazing! Beautiful, beautiful work. Emotionally gripping.

Check out my stuff if u want. Please write more!!

Jenny10216 said...
Aug. 18, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Truely Insperational.FANTASTIC!!
Saint_that_Sins This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 7:17 pm
This is raw talent at its best!! Incredible!! Absolutly incredible!!
JessieBecker replied...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 8:07 pm
you really think so? thanks(:
Mandinova said...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 1:37 pm
TWO words :Breathtakingly beautiful.
JessieBecker replied...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 8:07 pm


I really appreciate it.

gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 8:29 am
This was truly breathtaking. Beautiful and tragic and emotional.  The perspective was perfect. Amazing job.
JessieBecker replied...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 8:07 pm
thanks soo much :D
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