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You and Your Girlfriend
I think of you daily. I think of your girlfriend and I think of what kind of person she is to deserve someone like you. She’s probably doesn’t know half of what you are, what you do behind her back constantly. Or maybe she does, so she probably doesn’t respect herself enough to care.
I saw a picture of her yesterday. She’s pretty. A simple beauty, I think that’s what’s it called. Then I saw a picture of you and her, smiling but it doesn’t reach your eyes, I can tell. You’re holding hands in the picture; they’re covered slightly by your sweatshirt. I can understand why you would do that. You don’t want anyone to know how close you guys are. You don’t want me to know.
You text me still. Tell me to call you. I only found out yesterday that you had a girlfriend. I heard it before a couple times, but as you texted and called me I thought you broke up with her. I didn’t know how wrong I was. I feel bad for your girlfriend. I feel bad for me, wishing to take you out of everyone’s life so you won’t mess them up anymore then you already do. But whatever. I can’t control you, so why try?
“Um, hello?” I say quietly, covering the phone with my hand. You say hey, ask why I haven’t called or texted you. “Because I’m busy and I don’t have time.” I reply, going outside. Then we start talking, longer and longer. Every time is longer and more intimate it seems.
As we talk, I think of your girlfriend. I ask myself why I’m encouraging you to cheat. On both of us, it’s not fair. Suddenly, I hear myself ask about your girlfriend. I suck in a breath, waiting for your reply and wanting to hang up at the same time. You’re silent for a second. You laugh and go what girlfriend?
“The one you’ve been going with since May,” I snap. “Oh that girlfriend.” “Yes that girlfriend.” I hear the pause before you say that you’re going to break up with her soon, wanting to be with me instead. I scoff in my head, a little annoyed.
You hesitated before telling me that you really like me. Your hesitation tells me everything. You don’t want to give up on the relationship you have now because you don’t know if I’ll take you back. Again.
But, no, I probably will. Because we both know that you have too much power over me. Your power causes me to distrust my best friend with her actions. Your power holds me tightly, causing destruction in every piece of my life in some way. I am your rebound.
“Well, how much do you like me Josh?” I ask wanting to be wrong in my doubts. “I like you a lot baby” you say without hesitation. You’ve learned not to hesitate, to make me doubt. You sound a little annoyed though. I think that’s pathetic. You’re pathetic. Whatever. You’re not worth it… Times up. I’ve already made up my mind.
“Enough to dump your girlfriend?” I prod. You hesitate again. I am disliking you now. In fact, I am p***ed. I am disliking the word games that you play with me. It’s not fair to play dirty.
“Yes?” You say in a question. My face scrunches up and I kick at the grass.
“Oh,” I allow myself to say. I think that I should go. I should probably hang up. But I don’t as your voice continues to break through my barriers. But as we talk, your picture with your girlfriend fills my head and it swirls around in there. I feel angry, not liking the way you continue to pursue me. It’s not nice or fair. How many times I have thought that you’re not fair? Too many I decide. Then I think of your brown eyes and the way your arms fit perfectly around me. So much conflict. I pick a daisy up and do the old fashioned he loves me, he loves me not technique.
“Baby?” You ask as you hear my silence. “You’re too quiet” you say. Well so what if I’m quiet? I yell at him in my head. All the things I wanted to say stay locked in my head though. Always. Ugh. I’m sick of myself. Finally I answer.
“What,” I snap. You’re quiet and then you say, “I have to go, I’ll text you later.”
“Why?” I ask, aware of the longing feelings that came up suddenly. “Because my girlfriends here” you mutter softly. Augh. There she is again. I don’t think she knows. If she did know, she would let him talk to me more. Then a noise fills the phone. It sounds like fabric getting rubbed against the phone. Oh. They’re hugging. That’s cool. Not very. Then I hear her voice ask him who’s on the phone. Her voice is nice. Her voice has a little soprano tinkling tone. The picture fills my head again. Then he answers her.
“Oh it’s nobody. Just a friend,” he goes. My eyebrows rise. “Hold on babe,” you say and I hear you walk away from her.
“Sorry, I gotta go” He whispers. “No,” I say. “No you don’t.” I continue, my voice rising. “You can break up with her right now, with me as your witness.” You pause. Hesitation. Again. I’m not surprised actually.
“I can’t”, you mumble and my heart rips apart.
“Then we’re done.” I snap. And I press the end button as hard as I can and drop the phone.
And then I walk away from him and everything that he put me through.