He Loves Me.

July 22, 2010
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His long brown hair fell perfectly before his eyes . His mesmorising clear blue eyes shone. His smile , was the most beautiful smile she had ever seen.
He was perfect .
What could he possibly see in her , she thought constantly . To her this felt like an impossibly dream that she was living , and she was always dreaded the moment when she would wake up.

She couldn’t belive what was happening . She sat across the table from him. She sat acros the table from the newest superstar to rise to fame. The boy that every girl wanted, that every girl dreamed about . He was amazing . But to her he was amazing because of everything he did. Not because he was a major music artist , or because he was the teen icon ; but because of his laugh , because of the way he looked at her , because of the way he treated her like a goddess, like he would never let anything bad happen to her. For the first time , she felt loved .
She felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
He led her outside the restaurant into a patio surrounded by a garden lit up with wonderful lights . The sky was black with the stars shimmering beautifuly . As he turned to face her , her heart skipped a beat. She took a deep breath, and gazed into his eyes. To her , if there was a heaven , she was in it right now . The way he took one hand a grabbed gentley the side of her hip to pull her closer , made her want to never leave his side . Her heart was racing , as she looked deep into his eyes , she got butterflies as if it was their first date . She didn’t think it was possible to feel this way ... she didn’t think it was possible to feel this way about another person .
With the stars shinely brightly above their heads , he leaned his head in towards hers , so that the tip of their heads were nearly touching. Being so near to him made her blush. She felt these feelings, uncontrollable , indescribable . these urges to grab him and never let go . She wanted to feel his body on hers , his lips on hers, she wanted him to be with her ,all the time , as if noone in the world existed . All she could think of , was him .
She felt like she couldn’t survive without him . He made her world go round each day , to her , he made the sun come up each morning and set each dawn . For her , he was the only reason worth living .
The silence between the two of them created an atmosphere fuming with passion and love . He lifted one hand up to her cheek , stoked it softly , and whispered , “ I love you .”

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squidzinkpen said...
Aug. 20, 2010 at 11:25 am

Overall, the centent was wonderful, and my critiques will be mostly grammar. You set the tone very well and the length is good. Sounds weird to say, but if it were longer, I don't think there would be as much effect as there was, so good job!

In the first sentence, you don't have to separate the the hair from eyes if you already mention the eyes. Be careful when you do this though, you don't want to start out with a sentence completely bogged down by adjectives.

"His long, br... (more »)

DeadPeopleKinndaGrl said...
Aug. 9, 2010 at 7:46 am
I really enjoyed reading this, very descriptive and emotional. And in my opinion emotion makes the best pieces. I loved it, how u kept it kinnda a mystery how they met, their age, how she looked, and where they were! Great job!!! Thanx (:(:
chocolateharp said...
Aug. 6, 2010 at 10:02 am

Very nice, overall!

This might sound strange, but I think you could try varying your sentece lengths a bit. Parts feel a little choppy, with lots of very short lines. It actually gives it a "breathless" feel, which kind of works in this piece... but I think it could read easier.

Otherwise, the emotion was great. It sounded just like a love struck teen, very cute. :)

sometimes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 5, 2010 at 8:14 pm

This was very passionate. And I liked how you could feel the love.

I'm sure you know about the few spelling errors, but it's fine :) Good descriptions.

gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 5, 2010 at 9:38 am
This was a really good piece. Yes, there were grammar mistakes, and some words that I figured were either misspelled or thought to mean something else.  However, it was very sweet, very descriptive and vivid. You could feel the emotion.  Great job.
blue_ink said...
Aug. 4, 2010 at 6:33 pm

cute story. Lots of detail, however, I would watch how often you start a sentence with "he" or "she".

Would you mind checking out my piece? :)

mudpuppy replied...
Aug. 4, 2010 at 9:50 pm
Streamy. Very streamy.
A.Dreamer said...
Aug. 4, 2010 at 4:19 pm
This is beautifully written, I loved it SO much! I like the plot and the way you described everything! Amazing job! :)
wild-free said...
Aug. 4, 2010 at 2:12 pm
This was very sweet! Like you said, there are quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes, but once those are fixed this will be a very nicely written piece. I think most girls have felt this way at least once! :) Good job.
LOVEwriting said...
Aug. 3, 2010 at 10:50 am
GREAT PIECE ! loved it ! keep it up .
HelyRose said...
Aug. 2, 2010 at 6:13 am
Hey guys . Im sorry about the spelling and a few grammar errors . It wouldn't let me edit it before i put it up and i don't know how to now . So i'm sorry for that . Anyway i hope you like it .
writingchick This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 1, 2010 at 9:35 pm
Great story! Descpritive, well written, keeps your attention. I i really liked the ending!! great job :)
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 6, 2010 at 10:10 am
Whoa, there was just too much passion for me to handle there! It was so intense, and yet so soft and innocent that it's confusing almost!! I absolutely love the way you ended it though, not what I expected to happen at all! It was so short, and yet it was so detailed and filled with powerful passion. Very nice!
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