Not a day goes by that I do not think of him. It is amazing how one person can alter the course of your life forever. He took my world and slung it all directions. I held on with all I had. I gave him all I could offer. It is truly incredible how he made me feel. When I was with him I felt a rush of danger but I always knew that I was safest when he was around. I never really got the opportunity to truly explain to him how much I love him. I didn’t use a past tense form of the word love for a reason. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I cannot erase him from my life and I will always love him. He can completely turn his back on me and forget every memory ever created but my love for him remains the same. I have felt every type of love imaginable for him. Times when he was in trouble I felt like a mother worrying about her child. When he would tell me who he thought I could and could not date I felt like a younger sister taking advice from an older brother. Times when he would drag his hands through my hair when no one else was around, I felt like his secret lover, with a passion so deep we dare not act on it. I have felt every emotion possible all because of him. He has not been in my life for a little over half a year now, yet everyday he makes an impact on my life like no one ever has. I thought I would never get over the loss of the most amazing boy I had ever known. When he abruptly left me with an empty proposal and a heart so eager to give him love I honestly thought I could never forgive him. I finally found that time was all that could help me. The endless advice from parents and friends never seemed to comfort that pain I was feeling. The tears never seemed to stop the hurt. It was time that consoled this broken heart of mine. If he was to come back into my life today I would be ready for what he brought with him. I have finally learned that I am okay without him. I still have two legs and two arms with a good head on the shoulders of this beaten body of mine, but most importantly I have a beating heart. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everybody has a special purpose in someone else’s journey. If he only treaded through the walks of my life for one reason, it was to teach me to love unconditionally. If he comes back today to tell me that he never wanted to talk or hear from me again, it would be hard. It would be hard to never talk to your son again, or your older brother, or your lover. However, if it was what those people wanted, because you loved them, it would be possible to simply leave them alone. On the opposite end of the spectrum however, if he came back and wanted me in his life forever I would accept him back with open arms. I have missed him so much. So many times I find myself in situations when I wish I could ask him for advice. I wish I could hear his infectious giggle once more. I wish I could see him get his feathers all ruffled up when someone walked behind his back again. We shared amazing memories together, some that I will never forget. He is a very special person and I wish him the best. I would like to thank him, for the lessons he has taught me and for the experiences that changed my life. My pain is over, my grief and strife along with it. I miss him, that’s all. I hope he is better now. Although in my eyes he was never sick. I love him. I miss him. I hope he finds what he is searching for.
I Loved and I also Lost
July 11, 2010