When you left, I was in the bathroom. I had walked over to my sink, turned on the bright, movie star dressing room-esque lights, and looked myself dead in the mirror with the phone still attached to my left ear. Who the heck was I looking at? Talking to you in a meek, little voice; claiming that I was ok, that I was fine and telling you to go off to sleep when all I could think about was "Baby, don't leave me like this... please. Just don't go...". When instead hearing you beg me not to cry and me saying, "I'm fine... I'm not crying. Go to sleep." Such a damn, white a** lie. Really though, who was this sad girl who stared back at me because I sure as hell had no idea who it was. Looking back was a sad sight to behold. Eyes, red and puffy, still wet from the silent tears rolling down one after the other... faster and faster as I wiped them quickly with my tissue trying not to let you hear me sigh... cry out... or even sniffle. But still hoping you heard something that would make you stay on the phone for just a few seconds longer. That's me again... playing games. Not being true with myself and sending out mixed signals because "I'm a girl." I'm sorry is what I am.... I cant help but play my little games because I secretly want you to figure me all out. To know what I'm going to say before I say it and to know when I want you to tell me that you simply love me over and over again until im sick with affection. To know that I all I want is to hear your voice, see your face, inhale your intoxicating scent, touch your soft skin, look deep into you big, beautiful, brown eyes and after all that... for you to tell me again how much you love me and why. Still looking and trying to convince both you and I that you should go, I see my sunken face with matching eyes as I said before and runny nose as I keep sniffling so I don't have to humiliate myself with blowing my nose with you still on the phone... holding out for just a few moments... before you left me. Tissue in right hand ready to wipe anything that needs to be. I look...dead. Like I just came down with the worst sickness... love sickness and I couldn't get rid of it for the life of me. For God's sake, I didn't even want to. I love you... with all my heart and I was in pain having you leave me for what seems like a billion years considering each second takes a decade to pass by. Soon later after I get over my hideous appearance... it comes. Time to say goodbye as the song goes by Andrea Bochelli. "Hold it together...hold it together. Just let him go... you can do it. Just say goodnight" I listen to myself and say goodnight. Then you say those three amazingly awful words. Those three words that make people do the darndest things...those three words I cherish with all my heart... "I love you". Oh J****... you said them is what I'm thinking. I love it when you do that... just not now. "Go on Shelby...wait, no. Don't say it. Say goodbye again and let him hold on for 5 more seconds. Just 5!! No, say it... no games. He has to go. He might now play along this time. He's actually serious. It hurts... but you don't have to let him know how much you're hurting... it can be our little secret. Tell him...". So I listened again and told you I loved you. As true as it may be... it's always hard to say because I know... after that... you're gone again, but this time, you're not coming back for a while. "Ok, you did it. Next step... pressing the end button." I took the phone off my ear, looked at your beautiful name that always sounds so sweet when the graceful melody of 'Marcus' rings through my ears...off topic, but I looked at your name and how, for this part of the call, we had been talking for 13 mins and 17 seconds...18 seconds...PRESS END!...19...20, END! That's it... this 3rd, final, interrupted call has been for 13 mins and 20 seconds. Now... you're gone. I look back at the mirror; back at the sad figure of a girl that stands, looking back at what she cant believe is herself and I think about how damn hard that all was. That long a** process to just leave the man that means everything to me!... You don't understand how hard it was. You expect me to hang up this phone and leave the conversation I had been wishing and begging and WAITING for in order for you to just leave me again and NOT come back? You think I can do that? Well, I cant!! I'm not that strong... you left me. I needed you... and so I cracked; crashed and burned into the fiery pit which is my sad little, lovesick life. Now focused on my face in the mirror again, my expression changes and begins to frown. The way it does right before a good, hard cry. The one with whaling and hand motions and lots and lots of tissues that make your nose hurt after blowing them so much. Then, it starts. I cry and cry, but fortunately it's the silent one. It still hurts though... that pain I felt which caused the crying. That yearning for you that ONLY you can bring, but won't be filled for a while. Yeah... that sucky feeling you get when you miss something...someone too much. When you love them too much.... Alright, new tissue and no more crying. I put my head in my hands and close my eyes trying to think of something, anything else but you. Don't get me wrong, I love you and I wanted to think about you... and trust me, I do ALL the time, but I couldn't now. I needed to clear my head. Trying not to think, I hear nothing but silence... and the clock. The constant ticking of the second hand as it makes it steady round circling the numbers from 1 to 12 and back again. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock... SHUT UP! I'm going crazy. I can't take it! Damn it I miss you is all I think and I let you go for you to only send me a good morning and a good night message and you expect me to pour my heart out to you and write whatever I feel?!... Well you must know me pretty well because I'm doing it... even while crying. I multitask.... Still, you're not even going to give me the satisfaction of telling me how you're feeling? Or even give me the satisfaction of telling me how you feel after these messages... how they made you feel? The first things you thought when you read this HUGE dialogue of what was going on in my head during that short period of trying to hang up the phone? That's cruel... and you say you love me. All I want to say is "Prove it butt face. Prove you love me again", but really... I just love you... plain and simple.... You wanted me to write... I gave you something better. A look inside my heart. Oh wait, you all ready had that.
Hanging Up the Phone
July 15, 2010