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I'll Miss You

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A sliver of sunlight falls over her closed eyes. Her eyelashes flutter. I attempt to close the blinds before she is completely awakened by the obtrusive sun. As I lay back down, her eyes open and she looks at me. ‘Damn,’ I think to myself. I wanted her to get some rest. She hasn’t been getting much rest since she found out. She is fully awake now, and simply watching me. Her eyes are so bright and shiny when she first wakes up. Her eyes change minutely. If I hadn’t spent so much time staring into them, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. Her eyes seem shiny-er and I realize it’s because they are full of tears.
“Good morning…” she says quietly. I can barely hear her. I circle my arms around her and she instantly buries her head in my chest. I can hear her breathing deepen. It always does this right before she begins to cry. I squeeze her as tight as I can without hurting her.
“Good morning beautiful,” I say, trying to make her smile. She says nothing, but remains snuggled against my chest, trying to keep her composure. I stroke her hair and pray to the god that I don’t believe in that she can get though this. I know it will be hard, I know she will spend many nights crying herself to sleep, but there is nothing I can do. She pulls away a little, interrupting my prayers.
“I don’t know when I’ll hear that again…” she says quietly. She pulls away even more and hugs her pillow, looking at me. I lay my head back on my pillow and look back.
“You can hear it anytime you want…I’m a phone call away…” I say trying my best to sound stronger then I am. I want her to think that there is nothing to worry about. That I’ll be home before she knows it. But she knows where I’m going and she knows what I’ll be doing when I get there.

Normally, as soon as we wake up, we have to get up and go to our jobs. She is forever trying to get me to stay ‘just five more minutes’ and cuddle with her. I pull her to me and just hold her. I push her hair out of her face and behind her ear. She smiles. A very small, and still a little sad smile, but I take it as a small victory. I trace little circles on her face, her shoulders, and her bare back. Her smile grows an infinitesimal amount this time.
“Do you remember when we first met?” I ask her. I see that it takes her by surprise. She smiles just a little more.
“Yes. You cut in front of me at Common Grounds!” She declares, sounding herself for the moment. I smile at her.
“Nu-uh! I was there first!” I throw back at her. She smiles for real just for a second.
“But then you paid for my espresso, so I guess cutting was fair,” she grins, just a little wickedly. She kisses my cheek. I am happy for the shred of normality before everything changes.
I mutter, “I didn’t cut…” under my breath, but loud enough for her to hear. She rolls her eyes and grins at me. I kiss her forehead.
“I remember the first time you kissed me..” She says, as her eyes go unfocused. I love when she really thinks about something. It’s like she’s seeing it right in front of her.
“What about it?” I ask. Out of all the things we’ve shared, the memories we’ve made, the things we’ve talked about, we’ve never talked about our first kiss.
“I remember that it was freezing outside. It was like midnight and we we’re walking around the park holding hands. My apartment was within viewing distance, but neither of us wanted to be away from each other. There was frost on the ground, and you had taken off your hat and scarf and put them on me for I wouldn’t get sick. If I remember correctly, you had a never ending nose drip and a terrible cough for weeks after that…” She laughs to herself. I feel like I’m listening in on a reading of someone’s diary. She has so much emotion in everything she says, everything she does, everything she is. “We were talking about what our favorite thing to do in the snow when we kids, because it was supposed to snow that night. The first snowfall of the year. We stopped in the field…”
“And I looked at you,” I interrupted, “In the moonlight, bogged down in your winter jacket, my hat and scarf, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. You had said you wanted to take it slow, but in that moment, I just had to kiss you.” She replies without missing a beat.
“And that’s when I fell in love with you. Well then, and when we got back to your car you had espresso in a thermos.” I had forgotten about that. I hit my forehead lightly.
“That was so cheesy!” I burst out. She laughs. I laugh too. God, I love her…
“But I LIKE cheesy! Hopeless romantics love the cheesy stuff! Like on our first date…”


After hours of reminiscing, we are at the airport. She’s crying silently. She has been since we left the house. I want to comfort her, but there’s nothing I can say. We are silent all through the airport. We couldn’t get any closer though. Our arms are wrapped securely around each other’s waists.


We’re at the terminal. All my baggage has been loaded. All that’s left, is goodbye. The hardest goodbye of my life. She looks at me. Her face is beat red from all her crying. Her cheeks are tear stained. Her hair is a little bit messy. She runs her hands through it when she’s scared. She almost collapses into my arms and she tries her hardest not to sob. My flight is getting closer and closer and time is flying faster and faster. I don’t want to let her go. I can’t. She realizes the time and begins to pull away. I squeeze, and she looks at me. She reaches up to wipe a tear I hadn’t realized I had shed.
“I haa-vee somethingg for yo-u..” I say shakily.
“I have something for you, too…” she says, barley audible. “Me first…” she says with the tiniest of smiles. She presents me with a package wrapped in bright purple paper. No doubt she picked the paper because she knew it would make me think of her. I look at her questioningly. She motions for me to open it. I slowly pull the paper and tape apart. I look at the contents and I cry. I can’t help it. I know we are in public, and that I’m being disgraceful, but I cry. She looks broken. She begins to say that I don’t like it, and I kiss her. I kiss her hard.
“I love it…and you. I love you so much…” I can barley choke the words out. It hurts that I have to leave her. I hand her my present. She gingerly opens it, and looks up at me questioningly.

I get down on one knee. My hands fumble with the box, but I get it open. I’m crying, and don’t notice the crowd forming around us. I know I ask the question, but I don’t even realize I’m doing it. She keeps mouthing yes, but it seems that she can not speak. I stand up and wrap my arms around her. I squeeze her tight. We both hear the announcement….my flight is about to leave. We look at each other.
“Yes…” she whispers. It’s quiet, but there is no hesitation in her voice. Her eyes have become stronger. Like something is holding her together now. I kiss her.
“I’ll call you when I land,” I kiss her again, “I love you. I love you. I love you.” She smiles, still crying a little.
“I love you. I love you. I love you,” she replies.
I walk backwards until she is completely out of view.

Once on the plane, I reopen my gift. I take a big whiff. Espresso beans…from Higher Grounds…

We haven’t taken off yet. I glance into the parking lot. She’s still there. Still crying, but smiling at the same time. She’s putting her brand new “ARMY WIFE,” bumper sticker on her car.

I may be going to war. I may be facing the hardest time of my life. But I’ll get though. I have to. She’s waiting for me.





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sassymamma245 said...
Apr. 26, 2011 at 12:07 pm
THIS WAS SO CUTE!!!!!!!! OH GOSH WHEN I WAS READING THIS I COULD JUST PICTURE THEIR MEMORIES IN MY HEAD AND I COULD PICTURE THE FIRST KISS DAY bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
 
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